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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 24/03/2023 12:21

You have been given another chance at life. Don't waste it with this man. He has responsibilities to his child and the mother of his child. You deserve better.

HoneyPotBee · 24/03/2023 12:22

Dump him!

kitsuneghost · 24/03/2023 12:22

Get rid. You argue a lot and you are jealous and anxious.
This will NOT get better

I would never get involved with a man who had a child with another woman

ValerieDoonican · 24/03/2023 12:22

You thought what you could odfer him was limited (by your illness) so you felt it was right to split up.

Now what he can offer you is limited (by the baby and baby's mum, but perhaps more importantly, by his shadiness about them to you) so once again, it is right to split up.

weststreet · 24/03/2023 12:22

I'm sorry to be blunt but why in all the fucks to give on this earth would you even entertain the thought of being with him?

Pick your self esteem up off of the floor for gods sake.

roarfeckingroarr · 24/03/2023 12:23

Leave him.

Elysiam · 24/03/2023 12:24

Orkambi?

You've had a second chance at life; take it with both hands and find someone new. He’ll be back with her within days if you break up with him, which tells you all you need to know. Maybe one day you can be friends.

Duckingella · 24/03/2023 12:24

Jeez

Dump him and move on

There is literally no excuse for this bollocks,it doesn't matter if you thought you were dying,you were on a break or some random shag piece changed her pill it's a complete shitshow.

Grab your self respect and your dignity and lose him.

Channellingsophistication · 24/03/2023 12:24

I also think you should walk away from this relationship.

You said you had been on and off for 7 years so clearly lots of issues, not just your illness.

When you broke up he clearly wasn’t very upset as he was off with someone else straight away and getting her pregnant?!!

I think it will make for a miserable time for you if you stay with him as he will (rightly) want to be there for the baby and that is always going to be a source of conflict as you will never really know whether there is anything romantic between them….

save yourself the misery and move on. Especially now that you are well.

Ofcourseshecan · 24/03/2023 12:24

What a prince this man is. Instead of cherishing his sick girlfriend, he won’t commit to her. They split up and within 5 minutes he’s got another woman pregnant. Now he’s dumped pregnant gf2 and wants to keep gf1 on as well.

Congratulations on you successful treatment, OP. But I’d celebrate by dumping this loser.

Stravaig · 24/03/2023 12:24

ValerieDoonican · 24/03/2023 12:22

You thought what you could odfer him was limited (by your illness) so you felt it was right to split up.

Now what he can offer you is limited (by the baby and baby's mum, but perhaps more importantly, by his shadiness about them to you) so once again, it is right to split up.

This is a really good way of thinking about it.

BelindaBears · 24/03/2023 12:25

If it hasn’t worked out in the last 7 years it’s not going to work out now. You’re worth more than this. He said he’d be there for you no matter what but you’d broken up and he got someone else pregnant. His words don’t match his actions. Don’t do this.

Plimsongrey · 24/03/2023 12:25

Run for the hills

Gazelda · 24/03/2023 12:26

The change in your health status is your opportunity to start your life anew.

Don't look back. Look forward.

And for goodness sake don't 'settle' for someone who lets you believe you're the love of his life but gets together with someone else the minute you split then dumps her when you're situation looks more promising. He's not that committed to either of you, is he?

Also, he's prepared to have sex with someone new without using a condom. I hope you are now using condoms with him. As well as other birth control.

Proudofitbabe · 24/03/2023 12:27

Why would you even consider sticking with this?? He split with you after 7 years and got someone else pregnant within 2 minutes. Run and be glad it wasn't you!

MushMonster · 24/03/2023 12:28

If you need further motivation to close the door in his face, google pick me up dance. Stop dancing...

lifeissweet · 24/03/2023 12:29

Well isn't he just the dog with two dicks, running around between two women?

He may want to be there for his baby, as he should be, but that doesn't need to involve dictating to you that he's going to basically move in with the woman he was having sex with 5 minutes ago.

You have no ties to this person and a whole life ahead of you. Take it and run away from this mess.

Channellingsophistication · 24/03/2023 12:29

Also, the day he dumped her (again), he came back to you! The same day! How do you know tomorrow he’s not going go back to her…

Whichnumbers · 24/03/2023 12:30

He doesn't have a jot of respect for you, himself or the other girlfriend. He is never on his own just goes from one girlfriend to the next and bounces back when it gets to difficult in either relationship.

If you want to stay living this hell, then carry on but if you want peace and the chance to meet someone pleasant then do yourself a favour and get rid of him

Crumpleton · 24/03/2023 12:30

He always said he’d be there for me no matter what

Yet he gets another woman pregnant within weeks of leaving you/meeting her.

You know in your heart that he's going to be going between the two of you.

In October, I received treatment and I can live a normal life.

You've been blessed, please go live the life that you deserve, no person would choose to put up with this man's behaviour in their normal life

adriftinadenofvipers · 24/03/2023 12:31

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

Dump him and run.

Moveoverdarlin · 24/03/2023 12:32

I know I couldn’t deal with with this. Imagine when the gets the call to say she’s gone in to labour. I would be heartbroken and feel so left out. I would dump him and move on. For the rest of your life you’ll be second best to a child from a 6 week, crap relationship. I couldn’t cope with that.

Lizzt2007 · 24/03/2023 12:32

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:09

What?!? Doesn’t sound real. Was dying but had medicine. Now I’m better!

regardless. It’s still not working!

Show quote history

Heart transplant? Lung transplant? Kidney transplant? Lots of potentially terminal conditions can be 'cured' by treatment, but in all of the above it's only possible if a suitable organ becomes available, and there's no way to know in advance if one will.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 12:33

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:44

He says that she changed her pill and it was an accident.

Do don't seriously think this is a defence do you?
He shouldn't have been fucking 2 women simultaneously in the first place.

The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it
My arse.
One of you is the OW - you're just not sure yet if it's her or you.

Lizzt2007 · 24/03/2023 12:34

Stravaig · 24/03/2023 12:00

(Which previously terminal illness became curable in the past few months?)

Kidney failure, lung failure, heart failure just to name a few. Curable with transplant but not predictable as have to wait for a suitable organ to be donated and many times one isn't and the person needing a transplant dies.