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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
ItsTimeToWine · 24/03/2023 11:50

Tell him to get in the bin. Who has the time or energy for all this?

mybeautifuloak · 24/03/2023 11:50

I am taking a different view. It sounds like you were the one causing the break ups and that was due to your guilt at being unwell. The. During a split he had another relationship that unintentionally on his part resulted in pregnancy. Are you doomed? Who knows but there is SO much drama atm and there is a baby on the way. He wants to be involved as a father which is great. I think you need to step back. Just step back. Separate for a good 6 months. Focus on yourself. Allow him to focus on his coming child. See where you both are in 6-12 months. If one of you has embarked on a new relationship then that tells you all you need to know.

UB40andaglassofwine · 24/03/2023 11:50

Don't be a mug

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/03/2023 11:52

Oh no
hard no

irs been 7 long years and it ends with him getting another woman pregnant

you deserve better and I know it’s shit and it’s heartbreaking
but better 6 months of heartbreak than a decade ++ of pain

potniatheron · 24/03/2023 11:52

Really, I'm with all other PPs. If you stay with this guy it's just gonna be neverending drama. And his kid with OW will come first. Are you really prepared for that? Missing date nights because he's helping with night time feeds...missing setting up home because he's taking his child to school for first time...missing dinners because he's going to child's school play.

The babymother is not the OW actually. YOU are. You're gonna have the life of an OW. Don't do it you deserve better.

LuckyDonna · 24/03/2023 11:54

End it OP. You know all you need to know. You have a new shot at life, it's been on/off and now the ex and baby will end up being such a headache for you. End and go live your life.

99victoria · 24/03/2023 11:54

mybeautifuloak · 24/03/2023 11:50

I am taking a different view. It sounds like you were the one causing the break ups and that was due to your guilt at being unwell. The. During a split he had another relationship that unintentionally on his part resulted in pregnancy. Are you doomed? Who knows but there is SO much drama atm and there is a baby on the way. He wants to be involved as a father which is great. I think you need to step back. Just step back. Separate for a good 6 months. Focus on yourself. Allow him to focus on his coming child. See where you both are in 6-12 months. If one of you has embarked on a new relationship then that tells you all you need to know.

You make it sound like he had no control over the pregnancy? They'd only been together a couple of weeks - surely he would have been using condoms?

jemimapuddlepluck · 24/03/2023 11:54

If you are daft enough to stay with him then you need to put on your big girl pants and crack on. Soon his child will be here, he/she will be the most important thing in his life and hopefully he will muck in with his ex. He definitely needs to stay with her for the first 2 weeks. If they are both happy and excited to become parents then it will create a bond between them.
I would leave them to it.

HowcanIhelp123 · 24/03/2023 11:55

@Agonyaunt90 you need to walk away. You've spent your life thinking you won't live too long, now that you will grab it with both hands, not wasting it with someone playing house with another woman.

Spending a day a week with her, living with her for weeks. I can see why staying after baby is born is good for baby, but its absolutely disrespectful to you. He would not tolerate you staying with your ex for a few weeks, spending days talking to his crotch.

Honestly, he could just be a good guy thats trying to do right by the woman he knocked up and his baby. But he can't do that and do right by you. Sucks but thats the way it is. He may wish he could go back in time and stay single while you were apart, but he put his dick in someone else and now you both have to deal with the consequences.

Have an honest conversation that he can't do right by your relationship while doing these things with his ex so you're walking away. He's going to have to spend considerable time with his ex, every visit will be with her while baby is small. He's left you many times to get with her, he's destroyed that trust. Maybe in a few years, when he has a relationship with his child independent of her you two could be together, maybe he'll have made their relationship work, maybe he will be alone but you have found someone you prefer to your ex and he happy and settled with your own family.

Sorry OP, but if you're honest you've both created an unsustainable relationship. You pushed him away so you broke up, he knocked up someone else while he was free to do so.

Breakfastboatview · 24/03/2023 11:55

You have the perfect "excuse" never to speak to him again

To walk away forever

He needs to step up & be a father

PortmeirionTiles · 24/03/2023 11:56

You make it sound like he had no control over the pregnancy? They'd only been together a couple of weeks - surely he would have been using condoms?

No, @99victoria, don't you know it's always the woman's fault? 😂

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 24/03/2023 11:56

After your update as well, you've just been given life changing medication and you want to waste it.... leave him, and look to the future of all the things YOU can do, places you can go, people you can meet!

You could find someone new, start a fresh and end up with your own little happy family rather than settling for someone else's baby dad who wont put you first!

B0g · 24/03/2023 11:57

Nah, why sign up for a life of misery and humiliating yourself? Obviously don’t let him impregnate you. Choose an enjoyable, fun, easy life.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 24/03/2023 11:59

Oh fucking hell OP, you know you shouldn't stay with him. How many more times are you going to break up and get back together?

Even if he did leave to be a "family" with them, he'd probably come running back and then find someone else while on another one of your breaks.

It's not worth it.

Stravaig · 24/03/2023 12:00

(Which previously terminal illness became curable in the past few months?)

LimeCheesecake · 24/03/2023 12:02

you were on ans off for 7 years. In the other “off” periods, did he date other woman, or is this the first time there’s been another woman? Or did you decided to end it regularly then get back together once he’d started dating other woman?

Think carefully, do you actually want to be with him, or do you just not want him to be with other woman? Because you are never going to be the most important person to him now.

this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Id end it, block all contact, then spend some time getting used to being alone and healthy.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 24/03/2023 12:02

Why the fuck does he want a baby with you when he can't even decide to shag only one person? He sounds like a fucking boomerang.

swirly456 · 24/03/2023 12:03

Leave him, you will NOT be happy in this situation no matter how hard you try and work at things. It may be hard in the short term if you love him but you will be able to get over him.
You split up for a reason and now a new life has been created and he needs to be there for his child. Honestly, he doesn't sound like a keeper anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/03/2023 12:04

Fucking hell, he isn't the only man in the world with a cock. You can find someone much more worthy literally anywhere. It won't be hard.

swirly456 · 24/03/2023 12:04

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:20

I think I need to give more of a back story.

The relationship was working but I had a medical problem that meant I wasn’t going to live very long and so I could never fully give myself to him as I always felt guilty for taking away his life and we split up a couple of times in those 7 years. He always said he’d be there for me no matter what, I was the issue. In October, I received treatment and I can live a normal life.

We always say it sounds like something from a film!!!

So he left you because he thought that you may not live ?
That's even WORSE! My goodness, get rid !!

Knittedfairies · 24/03/2023 12:05

If he wasn't committed enough to stay with you after 7 years, and has had a relationship resulting in a pregnancy just a few weeks after you cut ties, he's not worth all this drama. You've been given a second chance at life; don't waste it. If this was a film, it would have the audience throwing cushions at the screen in frustration...

AlmostAJillSandwich · 24/03/2023 12:05

If he truly loved you and had nothing to hide, he'd be completely understanding of your need for reassurance of seeing the messages between them. The fact he won't show you, means they probably aren't innocent. He's gone back and forth between you both several times in the last few months, clearly he's not decided which of you he actually wants to be with. Unless he'd known her platonically before they got together, he can't really even properly know this woman to know if it could work between them long term, while you're the familiar woman he knows. I wouldn't be surprised if their messages are inappropriate, discussing feelings, potential to be a family, etc. Ultimately he might leave you at any time if he thinks the grass is greener there, if i were you, i'd honestly end things for good, and i bet if you do he'll be straight back in a relationship with her giving it a proper go.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 24/03/2023 12:06

Ditch him. It doesn't matter whether he's trustworthy or not, you already don't trust him.

Better to split and let you both move on with your lives separately.

Imtoooldforthisbs · 24/03/2023 12:06

OP you are now well and have the opportunity to live a happy life. This situation, no matter who is to “blame”, will never be happy. His child will (and should) take priority and he will always be tied to the baby’s mum. If it were me, I would take this opportunity to move on, hard as that may be. I’m sorry you are in this situation, it’s sounds very hard all round.

piedbeauty · 24/03/2023 12:07

Dump him and walk away. Too much drama, too much arguing.

If you have been together 7 years and broke up, it's clearly not working.

Start afresh.

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