My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

[Agonyaunt90]

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

Oh for gods sake leave him alone and don't be so daft!

Run. Find someone fully committed to you to have a baby with, if you want a baby. This guy isn’t for you. I know it’s hard when you feel you’ve invested so much, I was with my ex for ten years and the sunken cost fallacy kept me there for way too long; don’t waste another seven years.

We always say it sounds like something from a film!!!

Yeah, a horror movie

You've wasted 7 years of your life on this loser . Don't lose another minute
Bin him off today

Even without the rest of your story - on and off for seven years 🚩You deserve more.

It’s not worked so far and him having a baby with someone else is a disaster. Walk away now

For god's sake, don't give one second's consideration to having a baby with him.

As my kids would say: bestie, he ain't it.

I read your update and still, nothing has changed for me.

You've been given a second chance at life. You already know how short and fragile it is. Don't waste it on this relationship, you don't need the stress. Don't leave him for the baby's sake, but for your own.

Ignore the doomed romance back story. What you have left is a man who, just weeks after the end of a long-term relationship, had unprotected sex with the first random woman who came his way. Not exactly reliable life partner material. For either woman.

How will you feel when he is always back and forward to hers because the baby 'needs' something or wont settle or wants to hear his voice?

He will be tied to her for the next 18 years

I was the pregnant one in this type of situation and it was incredibly difficult all round. I had someone who was very committed to co-parenting and shared responsibility until he got back together with his Ex GF. She was extremely resentful that he had a child on the way with someone else and he had very mixed feelings about how to handle it all. He missed the birth as she didn't want him there, he also only had sporadic visits the first few weeks (he took his parental leave though!)...her family put some horrid comments on my baby announcement and eventually he removed himself from any mentions on social media so as not to stoke the fire.

They stayed together for a while after our DC was born but eventually the resentment just got too much, she was upset that he provided financially, any time he visited he would deal with an emotional fall out afterwards and she just couldn't resolve that their lives and future together wasn't how they pictured it to be.

Although no-one actually did anything wrong the emotions behind it all are just too much. I would say the best bet would be to all move on separately and hopefully they can co-parent successfully without the need for a romantic relationship. My DC's father is now in a new relationship and it's been far easier to navigate as she knew from the outset he was a father and there wasn't a big entangled history. For the most part we are all very friendly and amicable and thankfully DC doesn't know any difference.

He says that she changed her pill and it was an accident.

You seem to think your illness was the only way standing between the two of you and happily ever after.

Clearly there are many more issues.

So yeah, agree with the bin fire conclusion. No need to have hard feeling about it, but do move on.

This ⬆.

In spades!

Don't tie yourself to someone who couldn't even be bothered to wear a condom with someone he hadn't known for five minutes.

She is equally foolish and reckless, but they are both adults and have to cope with the consequences of their idiocy. You don't - run the other way as fast as you can.

DON'T have a child with this man - there is already one innocent baby who will likely end up suffering emotionally because he is a tw*t - don't let there be any more.

Have some time as a single woman so that you can get some perspective, and then find someone decent.

Just think of deliriously happy you could be with someone else and the only thing you have to do is cut him off once and for all.

I know it’s hard I really do, I was once you. I kept staying because it had been so long but I was just miserable and stuck in this situation because I was scared of the future and big changes.

He wants to have his cake and eat it so take cake off the menu, you’re worth so much more than this. Cut him off and put yourself first, this time next year you’ll be so glad you did. Trust me.

Hope you got tested.

life is too short from all of this.
tell him your done, block and move on.

You can do better than this OP. Either in a new relationship with someone without this baggage, or on your own with the peace of mind of not having to worry about all this baggage.
Your BF is not ideal, is he? He very irresponsibly allowed a pregnancy to occur in unsuitable circumstances and is handling the aftermath badly and with immaturity. A better man would understand he could play a role in the child's life while retaining a civil and appropriately distanced relationship with the mother. Yet off he trots, veering from moving in with her for a fortnight, to argument and animosity, hiding messages from you, and wanting you to bring another child into the mess. No boundaries and no sense. This will not get any better, and he'll be a worry and liability to you for as long as you're with him.

Sorry, OP. But he just sounds so flakey and feckless. Why wasn’t he using condoms with someone he was essentially just shagging for a couple of months? Urgh.

The fact he is now telling you he wants to ‘try for a baby’ with you while he is expecting a baby with another woman just makes me think he is a bit thick at best, a complete wasteman at wirst. Is he a high earner? How is he proposing to pay for these different babies and households? .

Don’t fall for it.

But he's not been there for you no matter what, has he...

For the love of fuck, you've been given a whole new chance at life and you waste it on THIS GUY!?

P.s. congrats on the life-giving treatment

Minimum.

What's the odds that even if they split, they end up having the occasional "moment" and there is another surprise baby.

Bin him.

If he's planning to be there for the baby then you will spend your life being second best. Possibly third.

Walk away with your head held high to the positive, healthy future you deserve.

Seven years on and off is a big enough red flag even without the complication of someone else having his baby. If you had just met him, this wouldn't be a situation to get involved in at this time. There's no knowing where things might go with this other girl or how he will feel once the child is born. Let him go and sort himself out, and move on in your life.

So, you split up in September, he met this new girl 'a few weeks later' (October?) and they split up in November and he had already managed to get her pregnant?

Walk away from this irresponsible, fucked-up idiot

End it now and save the headache. He will bounce back and forth between you and you’ll end up feeling awful all the time .