Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 24/03/2023 12:07

Stravaig · 24/03/2023 12:00

(Which previously terminal illness became curable in the past few months?)

I know I wasn't supposed to laugh🤦🏼‍♀️

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:08

Walk away. If it hasn’t worked in 7 years. You never will…..

MeridianB · 24/03/2023 12:08

Sorry, it's clearly not meant to be. Walk away and save yourself a ton of heartache and many more wasted years.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:09

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:20

I think I need to give more of a back story.

The relationship was working but I had a medical problem that meant I wasn’t going to live very long and so I could never fully give myself to him as I always felt guilty for taking away his life and we split up a couple of times in those 7 years. He always said he’d be there for me no matter what, I was the issue. In October, I received treatment and I can live a normal life.

We always say it sounds like something from a film!!!

What?!? Doesn’t sound real. Was dying but had medicine. Now I’m better!

regardless. It’s still not working!

heathspeedwell · 24/03/2023 12:10

Put this fish back in the sea.

If things were bad for the last 7 years they are only going to get much, much worse when he's playing happy families with his other girlfriend and their new baby.

It will be hard for you at first but not as hard as basically sharing him with the mother of his child.

Go completely no contact with him and try to focus on doing things that make you feel good and being with people who you enjoy spending time with. You will get through this and one day you'll meet someone who you are genuinely happy with.

maddiemookins16mum · 24/03/2023 12:12

He’s not your boyfriend, he’s hers.

FrostyFifi · 24/03/2023 12:12

Seriously, other men are available.
This is beyond a shitshow.

frozendaisy · 24/03/2023 12:13

You have an opportunity to put this all behind you and start afresh OP

This is far too messy.

Don't you want, if you have it, your first baby journey to be with someone dedicated only to you? Not split between two families?

This is your chance of escape.

Think seriously about taking it.

rainbowstardrops · 24/03/2023 12:14

He's dangling both of you. Stop. Being. A. Mug.

JennyJenny8675309 · 24/03/2023 12:14

I have a feeling all the advice telling you to end it will fall on deaf ears.

diddl · 24/03/2023 12:14

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:44

He says that she changed her pill and it was an accident.

🙄

Why would you want to be with him Op let alone think about having kid(s) with him?

MaireadMcSweeney · 24/03/2023 12:14

End the relationship for a minimum of 9 months and let him sort his shit out with this baby. Get in touch with each other after that if you both want to. Right now, it's way too much.

kingofchaos · 24/03/2023 12:14

Poor kid..

LuluLehman · 24/03/2023 12:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

nc13467 · 24/03/2023 12:16

7 years and you couldn't be together cos of a medical reason?
I'm presuming from the fact he moved on and got a new gf quickly that you were the one with the medical issue?

Hard to say without the detail (which you have every right to keep private) but I'd be wary of a man who 7 years of knowing me wouldn't stick by me and support me while I was ill.

I certainly wouldn't let him come crawling back after the medical issue was resolved. Doesn't say much for his feelings towards you tbh

BreviloquentBastard · 24/03/2023 12:16

You're being taken for a mug OP, this guy isn't worth it. Have some self respect.

Star81 · 24/03/2023 12:16

I think you probably have to walk away from this relationship.

He is going to have a child and that will , rightly so, become his number 1 priority in his life. If you are struggling with him going to a scan then you are not going to cope with how much attention he will presumably spend on his child. It sounds as though you are already struggling with this before he / she is even born so maybe best to step back now

The child will always be in his life, and therefore in yours too. If you can’t cope with this step away now for your own sake. It may hurt now but better that than a lifetime of feeling hurt and jealous.

LuluLehman · 24/03/2023 12:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

nc13467 · 24/03/2023 12:17

nc13467 · 24/03/2023 12:16

7 years and you couldn't be together cos of a medical reason?
I'm presuming from the fact he moved on and got a new gf quickly that you were the one with the medical issue?

Hard to say without the detail (which you have every right to keep private) but I'd be wary of a man who 7 years of knowing me wouldn't stick by me and support me while I was ill.

I certainly wouldn't let him come crawling back after the medical issue was resolved. Doesn't say much for his feelings towards you tbh

Sorry op id missed one of your updates

CantGetDecentNickname · 24/03/2023 12:18

Please remove yourself from his mess. You are already arguing and the baby isn't here yet. When it does arrive you will feel angry and hurt every time he goes to visit and suspicious that he is secretly seeing her again. It will eat away at you - constant hurt and you will argue more and more. Can you really take the next 20 or so years of that? Do you really want all that stress for a guy that can't be bothered with a condom? You will always come a poor second from now on in everything. Do you deserve that? Forget the years you have spent with him, just file them away in your mind as a nice memory.

Also, you really can't trust him. To not use protection with someone he'd known 5 minutes is very stupid. The "story" that she'd changed pill is a pile of BS as well. If taken properly, it is very good at preventing pregnancy. If you know you've missed one, or had diarrhoea or vomited, you know to use extra protection (usually written on the pack itself) so is difficult to believe someone who says "the pill let them down". They just wanted to be pregnant, but don't want to be seen to be using/trapping a man.

There are two new lives here; yours and the baby's. Please make the most of yours. There is a "happy ever after" for you out there, just not with him.

2022again · 24/03/2023 12:18

Stravaig · 24/03/2023 12:00

(Which previously terminal illness became curable in the past few months?)

Have you never heard of transplant surgery???!!!

Bunny44 · 24/03/2023 12:19

Hi OP, I just thought I'd write as I'm on the other side, however I still feel for you as I think it's a really difficult position to be in all round. With the going and coming between the relationships and the baby in the middle.

My boyfriend just left me for his ex after we found out I was pregnant (a baby he wanted a lot and we discussed). His now girlfriend is very very jealous and is doing everything she can to stop us having contact and for him to cut out the child and to be honest it's working. This included monitoring all of his messages to me and not allowing him to call me which was really difficult as i didn't like the idea of this woman who doesn't like me intruding on my very personal communications to do with things like the scan. His family have now ostracised both him and the girlfriend because they have been appaled by their behaviour towards me and they want to have a relationship with my child.

It's one of the worst things that's happened to me as I never planned to be.a single mum and I'm devasted for my child to maybe not even know their father.

However, in order for things to work there for you there has to be trust, empathy and understanding all round, and your partner has to be the one to make that happen. Having a child is a life changing event, and for life. Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by supporting his ex as it's incredibly tough to be pregnancy alone and an amicable relationship will be better all round if he wants a relationship with his child. However I totally understand your suspicions around his messages to her. He clearly wants a relationship with his child, which is a good thing, so if you go forward you have to be accepting of that and the fact the mother will be in the picture too. If you can't manage that it may be difficult to continue the relationship.

MotherOfHouseplants · 24/03/2023 12:19

I'm sorry OP but he is not your boyfriend. I'm really pleased that your treatment has worked - now it's time to move on and find someone who really values you and wants to build a long and happy life together.

berksandbeyond · 24/03/2023 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

musingsinmidlife · 24/03/2023 12:20

Give me a D, give me an R, give me an AMA.

This post could be a case study in poor decision making.