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Original poster

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 24/03/2023 13:59

Don’t do the pick me dance here.

If the mother of the child wants him, despite him leaving her while pregnant and vaccinating between the two of you, you should let her get on with it.

Although, I think we’d all advise her to tell him to fuck off too, give the child her surname and ensure he pays child maintenance.

He’s a fish that really should be thrown back

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/03/2023 14:05

If it hasn't worked in 7 years, it certainly won't work with a baby and the ongoing stresses that will inevitably cause
Call it quits today

mumofblu · 24/03/2023 14:11

After 7 years with you where you both struggled to remain together he met some one else and she got pregnant by him . He didn't use a condom ?
He will always be a father when this baby is born . It's less about the other women ( although you will always question their inevitable relationship) but you will not ever be in an exclusive relationship with your boyfriend again . Think very carefully what your ideal relationship is . I don't think it's with this man and his other family .

It sounds like your treatment has given you a new start .

Rewis · 24/03/2023 14:15

In October, I received treatment and I can live a normal life. thats amazing congrats! Now celebrate by living your normal life and leave this guy. I wouldn't want to be involved in this toxic relationship, co-patenting mess and the flip flopping.

perfectcolourfound · 24/03/2023 14:19

When someone loves you, you know it. I didn't realise this when I was a young adult. I learned it in my thirties. Once I learned it, it was so obvious I was amazed it had taken so long.

You never doubt it, because they make it clear, with their words and their actions, that they love you and only you.
They don't play games.
You trust them and they trust you.
You support them and they support you.
You treat each other with respect. You enjoy being together.
You're NEVER left wondering if they are serious about you / how serious they are / if they've gone off you / if they might want to be with someone else. You never have to fight another woman for their attention.

Loud and clear, no messing, no questions.

This man has wavered. He's gone back and forth between you and the other woman. He's fickle. Can't decide on what he wants.

Even if he was a decent person, there is now the added complication of a baby. But to be honest, it sounds like he's still in a relationship with the other gf - wanting to spend a day a week with her, to live with her for 2 weeks when the baby is born.

martinisforeveryone · 24/03/2023 16:02

Regardless of what good advice you ignore @Agonyaunt90 Do Not have a baby by this man.

elm26 · 24/03/2023 16:08

Poor child in the middle of this shitshow is all I can think.

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 16:28

Sadly let him go. It's a shame he got with this woman who couldn't manage her own contraception properly, pregnant within 8 weeks? Either he's lying and they've been together longer whilst he saw you too or she's a nutter who trapped a new bf into this. Who wants a baby with someone they just met? Very odd from her as well, in a situation like this I'd expect most people would choose to abort. Funny how she decided to keep it when he got back with you. She will be a nightmare anyway, you don't want her and she doesn't want you in her life. They'll make you another parent with no power. And if he now wants you to get pregnant how sure are you he didn't persuade her to keep the baby? It's too messy.

Lizzt2007 · 24/03/2023 16:50

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:57

They’re usually no cured though are they? It’s usually life lengthening. But curing of the disease? Mm

Show quote history

Well yes, they can be. It is still likely to have an impact on someone's life, but changes from a terminal diagnosis to a you can have a relatively normal life with a few limitations diagnosis.

PortmeirionTiles · 24/03/2023 17:22

“It's a shame he got with this woman who couldn't manage her own contraception properly, pregnant within 8 weeks”

😂😂 Oh come on, I’m pretty sure he played a part. What is this, 1950?

mumofblu · 24/03/2023 17:24

“It's a shame he got with this woman who couldn't manage her own contraception properly, pregnant within 8 weeks”

Errr contraception is not one person's responsibility.

Cyanchicken · 24/03/2023 17:28

Baby and ex apart - Curious as to what medical issue has kept you apart that either one or the other would not overlook for love? If it's something not to be shared publically I understand but It's not a brilliant sign that it would put either of you off the relationship?

Cyanchicken · 24/03/2023 17:29

Apologies - have seen your update. Still....run for the hills!

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:37

Yes of course he should but the point is she said she was on the pill. Yes he should be wearing a condom and she should be making him too, she's the one now pregnant with a very short relationship. So I think it was deliberate!

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:39

Also it's a crime to trick someone into pregnancy by saying you're on the pill when you're not so yes his responsibility but also hers.

So far 1 man has been convicted of the very similar crime of poking holes in a condom.

PortmeirionTiles · 24/03/2023 17:42

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:39

Also it's a crime to trick someone into pregnancy by saying you're on the pill when you're not so yes his responsibility but also hers.

So far 1 man has been convicted of the very similar crime of poking holes in a condom.

You’re really going too far with this.

The Pill isn’t 100% effective even when used correctly, and normal human nature means that it’s often not going to be used correctly. Is OP’s partner really such a catch that someone would want to have his baby right after meeting him? Somehow I doubt it.

Carelessness is not a crime nor a sin. If that’s even what it was.

Moser85 · 24/03/2023 17:53

The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

What a disgusting way to treat someone who is pregnant with his baby.
He didn't go back for the sake of the baby. That behaviour, getting back together with her, cheating by messaging you, leaving, getting back together and repeating would have been very dangerous for her health and the baby. If he had got back with her for the sake of the baby he would have been on his best behaviour, not constantly stressing her out so she didn't know whether he was coming or going. A lot of mental gymnastics going on here OP!!

He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it.

So his baby isn't even born yet, he has no idea of what parenting is like , you're constantly arguing about the ex and he's already trying to make another baby. This is all Jeremy Kyle stuff.

SquidwardBound · 24/03/2023 18:00

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:37

Yes of course he should but the point is she said she was on the pill. Yes he should be wearing a condom and she should be making him too, she's the one now pregnant with a very short relationship. So I think it was deliberate!

It makes precisely no difference what the other woman’s intentions were from the OP’s perspective.

her on-off boyfriend of 7 years decided to leave her with a terminal illness and almost immediately got someone else pregnant. He’s spent the last several months enjoying being the centre of a pick me dance.

He’s the problem here.

Moser85 · 24/03/2023 18:05

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:37

Yes of course he should but the point is she said she was on the pill. Yes he should be wearing a condom and she should be making him too, she's the one now pregnant with a very short relationship. So I think it was deliberate!

Hmm....take a look at this mans behaviour.

Going back and forward between women....pretending it's for the sake of his baby, even though what he's doing could have had a serious impact on the pregnant womans stress levels/health.

All this drama going on, the pregnancy is only at 20 weeks and he's telling the OP they should try for their own baby 😂

If the pregnancy was 'deliberate' then I would bet there was a pair of them in it, and she didn't trap him!

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 19:02

Yes agree, I said before it's likely they have both been his gf for a long time 😀

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/03/2023 07:25

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 16:28

Sadly let him go. It's a shame he got with this woman who couldn't manage her own contraception properly, pregnant within 8 weeks? Either he's lying and they've been together longer whilst he saw you too or she's a nutter who trapped a new bf into this. Who wants a baby with someone they just met? Very odd from her as well, in a situation like this I'd expect most people would choose to abort. Funny how she decided to keep it when he got back with you. She will be a nightmare anyway, you don't want her and she doesn't want you in her life. They'll make you another parent with no power. And if he now wants you to get pregnant how sure are you he didn't persuade her to keep the baby? It's too messy.

Every word of this post. ⬆

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

You, and any child, deserve better.

I pity the foetus in his other GF's womb. I really do.

mrmr1 · 25/03/2023 12:51

DUMP him things will not get better.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 12:54

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:37

Yes of course he should but the point is she said she was on the pill. Yes he should be wearing a condom and she should be making him too, she's the one now pregnant with a very short relationship. So I think it was deliberate!

No Boomboom - he SAID she said she was on the pill.

Given how upright, upfront & honest his character is, it's obvs true, right? 😂

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 13:01

Boomboom22 · 24/03/2023 17:39

Also it's a crime to trick someone into pregnancy by saying you're on the pill when you're not so yes his responsibility but also hers.

So far 1 man has been convicted of the very similar crime of poking holes in a condom.

Not in the UK it's not.

Opentooffers · 25/03/2023 13:35

When he can have you, he is still having and chosing her a lot of the time, so I very much doubt if he didn't have you he'd be with noone. Does it make a difference who he's with instead of you anyway? You sound very mixed up. What is it, half a dozen adozen times he's left you for her then come back? - I lost track. Break away from this and be on your own for a while until you develop some self respect. If you don't respect yourself, noone else will. You need to block and stop talking to this loser, who actually doesn't have the capacity to love. He really doesn't love you, accept it, it's obvious, but that's because he is deficient and not about you, you are worth more than him.