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Original poster

I think I've met the one - what should be my timeline?

155 replies

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 23/03/2023 19:20

How long have you actually known him?

YellowMay · 23/03/2023 19:26

Has it been 6 weeks, 6 months? More info needed!

VimFuego101 · 23/03/2023 19:26

I would have a read of the stepparent board and decide whether that life appeals to you before you start making time plans 😊 in all seriousness your plan does need to factor in not rushing the relationship with his child.

24KaratCucumber · 23/03/2023 19:33

If I met someone in january, it'd be dating until mid Feb, then they'd stay over 1 night if my kid wasn't here.

That would continue with staying over at each others when possible and when kids aren't around.

If I was 100% happy, November they'd meet my daughter very very briefly.

December we'd go out together for a day but only if daughter wanted too.

January the following year we'd all go away for a night.

February maybe all have a weekend together away somewhere.

March he'd be allowed to stay over when my.kid was there IF my kid was comfortable letting a new person into her home.

This would continue for as long as I saw fit.

Wed maybe have a discussion about all living together no earlier than 2 years after meeting and amonly.if my daughter liked the guy and was happy he was around. any hint that she wasn't comfortable, I'm not forcing her to live with someone she doesn't want too.

But it's a moot point... But no one would be living with me who is 'open to more kids' if I wanted more kids... It's keenly wanting more or piss off. Too many times men say they're open to more, get their feet under the table and then it's always 'maybe next year' or I'm not sure' etc.

Watchkeys · 23/03/2023 19:33

It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled

Um, love-bombing doesn't feel like a bomb going off. It feel like everything you've ever wanted.

How long have you been together?

Watchkeys · 23/03/2023 19:35

And 'How long should xyz take?' in a relationship is decided by the two partners, not by the input of strangers on a forum. If you don't know what you want, when you want it, and you can't decide that between the two of you, then don't do it.

Dinersaur · 23/03/2023 19:35

Do what feels right for you not what Mumsnet tells you. You'll get people here saying you shouldn't move in until his teenager is a self sufficient adult.

Summer2424 · 23/03/2023 19:43

Hi @excitedfuture i met my husband at 40 yrs old, in 6 months we dated, got married and i fell pregnant.
I was sick of the time wasters and just wanted someone on the same page as me.

Really good you've met someone you're happy with x

LauraIAm · 23/03/2023 20:10

I think at 38 I would want to be in a relationship for a year before TTC

thisisasurvivor · 23/03/2023 20:14

Just be careful op

I had one of those

He was taking like this very early to trap me
Cheated on ex wife
Tried to kill her

When they rush it's a bad sign

Just putting this out there and hope hope hope I'm wrong 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

Howtostart · 23/03/2023 20:20

My God there are some miserable people here .. can I just say that not EVERYTHING goes to the MN plan ...

Met DH less than 3 months after separation..

Met his kids at 6 weeks.. with mine (as friends) .. No interaction between us at that point in front of DC but knew it would be a non starter if they didn't get on..

Moved in a year later

Married 3 months after divorce. ..

Hassle with DS and SF in teenage years.. (6 years later but nothing major. But decided separate homes were best ..

19 years later as happy as Larry .. live in two separate homes but see each other 4-5 x a week.. it's not easy to blend in teenage years.. but we worked through it.. he remains the love of my life ...

Good luck to you OP x

Bansheed · 23/03/2023 20:22

I would say similar to other PP suggestion, 1 year under the belt and then TTC.

Me (47) Met DP (50). Knew he was the one by Week 3.

Week 6 - he got a vasectomy (I cannot risk another pregnancy)
Month 3- cursory intro to my kids at a big party
Month 4- went to stay with his family ( abroad)
Month 6 - ice cream with kids, regularly visits started
Month 15- moved in
Month 22 - engaged
Month 28 - Married

Ex DH we were married within 23 months and were married 18 years.

category12 · 23/03/2023 20:23

Um, love-bombing doesn't feel like a bomb going off. It feel like everything you've ever wanted.

This. Only time will tell really if it's one or the other.

Have you had your first disagreement yet?

Would checking your fertility be an option (or have you?) It might be worth doing so you know more about your timeframe, chances and what your options might be.

Xarrie · 23/03/2023 20:33

How long have you known him?

QuizzlyBears · 23/03/2023 20:44

I got re married in my early thirties - we met, moved in after 2 months, engaged after a year and married 6 months after that. Genuinely never ever been happier, more secure, or in a healthier relationship. Everyone is different, OP. Have you been together long?

Original poster
excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 21:18

It's been 4 months. We had our first disagreement last week. Things are fine.

I'm usually very cautious and hold back, but I don't want to with him anymore.

My friends are all commenting about how they've never heard me talk about a man in the way I have been.

I feel like I should just go for it all in.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 23/03/2023 21:19

@excitedfuture
I’d say - get your eggs frozen - or better even embryos with his sperm. This will give you a bit of extra time and take pressure off.
Fertility drops dramatically from 38 to even 40,( 41, 42 even more).

So - while I get that you want to enjoy your time with him. IF you also want to have a child - don’t let extra year or two or fun carefree life with him take away your chance of having a baby.
Unfortunately - those are the facts of our fertility.

jays · 23/03/2023 21:23

24KaratCucumber · 23/03/2023 19:33

If I met someone in january, it'd be dating until mid Feb, then they'd stay over 1 night if my kid wasn't here.

That would continue with staying over at each others when possible and when kids aren't around.

If I was 100% happy, November they'd meet my daughter very very briefly.

December we'd go out together for a day but only if daughter wanted too.

January the following year we'd all go away for a night.

February maybe all have a weekend together away somewhere.

March he'd be allowed to stay over when my.kid was there IF my kid was comfortable letting a new person into her home.

This would continue for as long as I saw fit.

Wed maybe have a discussion about all living together no earlier than 2 years after meeting and amonly.if my daughter liked the guy and was happy he was around. any hint that she wasn't comfortable, I'm not forcing her to live with someone she doesn't want too.

But it's a moot point... But no one would be living with me who is 'open to more kids' if I wanted more kids... It's keenly wanting more or piss off. Too many times men say they're open to more, get their feet under the table and then it's always 'maybe next year' or I'm not sure' etc.

I’m not in the position where I need this advice …. But when people ask for timelines … THIS … is what they’re looking for! 👍👍👍

Goatbilly · 23/03/2023 21:26

I think your ovaries are on fire and you're projecting your "happily ever after" narrative on this person.

I'm doubtful he'd want another child at this point in his life, what makes you sure he does?

GordonBennett345 · 23/03/2023 21:27

What do YOU think your timeline should be?

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 21:29

Is his child not from his marriage then?

Why did his marriage split up? Was it over the having kids issue?

xfan · 23/03/2023 21:31

He probably said he's open to more kids in order to keep you (and the regular sex he's getting). He's also probably hoping that at 38/39 you'll struggle to get and stay pregnant so the most likely outcome would be no more children in the future. And and you're desperate for a family, you'll take anything at this point!

HappyHedgehog247 · 23/03/2023 21:34

Have you had your fertility checked? If you know you want a child I’d get that done, freeze eggs or embryos. I wouldn’t leave it another year before starting to try.

zonky · 23/03/2023 21:40

Getting your eggs frozen (if there are any viable ones from your IVF clinic collection) costs thousands of pounds, likewise for frozen embryos (again if you're lucky to get any decent embryos) to freeze. We're talk up to 10k at least excluding IVF medication and that's if things go well. Can people stop giving "solutions" which are on the first round is ludicrously expensive which Op didn't mention she'd even want? I'm sure she's aware of the concept but clearly isn't interested in it otherwise it'd have been mentioned.

Eatentoomanyroses · 23/03/2023 21:41

I met dh when I was 32 and he was a bit older and divorced. Like you I wanted marriage so when after two months he started talking about moving in I said I wasn’t interested in living together unmarried. I also would only see him at weekends. He proposed two months after the discussion about moving in. We married when we’d been together 14 months. That was 6 years ago. My advice would be don’t move in with him and don’t be too available or see him all the time if you want him to propose. It’s not so much a timeline you need. You just date him at this age for one year and no longer.

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