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Original poster

I think I've met the one - what should be my timeline?

155 replies

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 03/10/2023 19:13

No don't speak to the pos

Also lots of my friends met their partners in their early 40s
Yea they had to get a move on but it happens

Fleetheart · 03/10/2023 19:14

have you met his friends and family? that’s quite important. Timeline is not important but if it’s going to work it will do so don’t rush into it.

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:14

Thanks thisisasurvivor I am trying to get back on the dating apps but it's so hard to motivate myself after this and all the other disappointments.

I just don't think it's going to work out for me...I don't see what would change.

OP posts:
Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:15

Thanks Fleetheart it hasn't worked out, see my previous posts. And yes I met his family and friends. And then he disappeared.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/10/2023 19:16

excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:10

Thanks all. I just wish I could understand it...why?

He drove all of it, the commitment, moving in, talks of future etc.

I can't understand why anyone would behave this way.

Maybe he just loves the idea of being in love and the excitement of the early days, and gets a massive ego boost from the woman falling for him?

AzureBlue99 · 03/10/2023 19:19

I wouldn't dwell on the why. It's imponderable. Just a basic player. Doesn't want to commit. You have had a lucky escape.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 03/10/2023 19:22

excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:10

Thanks all. I just wish I could understand it...why?

He drove all of it, the commitment, moving in, talks of future etc.

I can't understand why anyone would behave this way.

I'd imagine it's because he knew that was what you wanted to hear. Would you have hung around for 7months if he said I'm just looking for a short term thing, plenty of sex, and a few fun dates? Lots of men like to have a placeholder while they keep looking for someone who they feel suits them more.

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:27

CrotchetyCrocheting no he didn’t have to say all that and keep pushing it 🤷‍♀️ that’s exactly the point. why tell elaborate lies?

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 03/10/2023 19:28

Sending lots of virtual hugs! Please don’t be hard on yourself - this happens very often on OLD. As many people have commented, narcissists can feel you in and use for their own purposes or lie about commitment/relationship/goals only to disappear without trace. Sounds like a player to me and I am afraid you have no way to tell - it just takes time.

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:28

I should add he did pop back up a few weeks later saying he regretted the break up and missed me. Obviously I told him where to go.

friends suggested perhaps he’s a commitment phobe.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 03/10/2023 19:31

I'm so sorry, that's so disappointing for you.

Have you considered having a child alone?

category12 · 03/10/2023 19:32

Don't see why a commitphobe would be pushing for commitment in the first place.

Far more likely there's nothing wrong with him beyond a candy-shop mentality and enjoying the power trip.

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:34

category12 I read a book on it which describes his behaviour down to a t.
Commitment phobes crave a relationship like we all do, and push for it, more than most do, then duck out when it becomes real. Fascinating read.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Who-Cant-Love-Commitment/dp/0871319993?nodl=1&dplnkId=e80b55c8-b696-459e-9a3f-e68578114203

OP posts:
PerfectMatch · 03/10/2023 19:42

Ah so sorry to hear that OP.

Bex5490 · 03/10/2023 19:49

Sorry OP - don’t feel like it won’t happen for you now because of this asshole…

’It’ might just look a bit different to how you imagined your life playing out when you were in your twenties…

Sounds like you’re a nice person with an open heart and good friends. Don’t let him spoil how you see your self or your positive outlook on life x

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 20:06

Thank you Bex5490 x

OP posts:
Dontknowwhattodowithmyselfnow · 03/10/2023 21:19

Just to add my tuppence in... I met someone online dating when I was looking for fun post divorce. We moved in together three months in (covid), we got engaged 7months together (total shock but he bought me my perfect ring despite not asking me or anyone close to me, what I would like). We are now married and with a one year old and have bought our forever home. I couldn't have dreamt it up

thisisasurvivor · 03/10/2023 21:21

excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:14

Thanks thisisasurvivor I am trying to get back on the dating apps but it's so hard to motivate myself after this and all the other disappointments.

I just don't think it's going to work out for me...I don't see what would change.

Course it will

Make a list of things that are non negotiable

What you will not tolerate

Stay positive
Be yourself xxxxxx

solice84 · 03/10/2023 22:16

Oh op I'm sorry
And it's not just an OLD thing
I was with someone from work for 15 months
I got the holy trinity from him, love bombed, future faked and then ghosted, yes ghosted when we worked in the same bloody office ! Absolutely ripped me apart and 10 years on I don't think I'll ever really trust a man again .

Burntouted · 04/10/2023 17:42

Delete.

Fleetheart · 04/10/2023 18:16

Oh I am sorry, I somehow missed these posts. Men sometimes really are incomprehensible- but it is not you, it’s him. I completely understand what you mean about online dating- it’s hard work. I have a good book for you - it was very helpful for me- by the lady who has a website called the Baggage reclaim I think- I will look it up for you.

Fleetheart · 04/10/2023 18:19

yes, this is the site https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/, she has written a very useful book which was very valuable to me, I wonder if it will be useful for you as well. called something like mr non commitment and the fallback girl. I will look further and see if i can track it down

Baggage Reclaim Home

Blog & The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast by Natalie Lue. Release emotional baggage. Healthy relationships, self-esteem, mental health.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

TotalOverhaul · 04/10/2023 18:36

If he is The One, then you can talk about this stuff with him. Ask him outright, if he would be prepared to have a child with you at some stage. Then, if he says yes, I would get yourself reproductive health checked out and consider (with him in agreement) trying for a baby when you turn 40. Really enjoy your time as a couple first and during the period of trying for a baby. Personally, I would just drop contraception rather than get all stressy about ovulation, as it is still relatively early in the relationship. Let it happen naturally. Loads of women have their first child in their forties now.

I know an adorable man in his fifties whose wife walked out and a few years later he met a woman your age and they had a new baby. All very happy. No reason it shouldn't work. DH and I were engaged within 6 months. When you know, you know.

LightSpeeds · 05/10/2023 22:00

TotalOverhaul · 04/10/2023 18:36

If he is The One, then you can talk about this stuff with him. Ask him outright, if he would be prepared to have a child with you at some stage. Then, if he says yes, I would get yourself reproductive health checked out and consider (with him in agreement) trying for a baby when you turn 40. Really enjoy your time as a couple first and during the period of trying for a baby. Personally, I would just drop contraception rather than get all stressy about ovulation, as it is still relatively early in the relationship. Let it happen naturally. Loads of women have their first child in their forties now.

I know an adorable man in his fifties whose wife walked out and a few years later he met a woman your age and they had a new baby. All very happy. No reason it shouldn't work. DH and I were engaged within 6 months. When you know, you know.

They split up.