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Original poster

I think I've met the one - what should be my timeline?

155 replies

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 23/03/2023 21:48

I think one can move things along a bit at this age - I know a few people who only met the person for them coming towards their 30s and, rather than waiting several years to see if it worked out, have moved in in about a year and got married withing 2-3 years. You're both adults, presumably with careers - it's not like being with your university boyfriend where you have to see how you cope with jobs/further study/adult life and that could mean waiting until your 30s before you're sure. But I think mature people can afford to make a decision about whether to marry/have kids within 1-2 years without it seeming rushed.

The other thing is how enthusiastic he seems - just this evening I saw a video with a very good commentary about women shouldn't have to ask for things to progress in a relationship. If the feeling's mutual the guy will move it along himself, otherwise he could be stringing you along.

BringItOn2023 · 23/03/2023 21:56

Start TTC at 6 month mark. Move in after 12 months but hold onto your own place if you own for a few years.

xfan · 23/03/2023 22:00

Echobelly · 23/03/2023 21:48

I think one can move things along a bit at this age - I know a few people who only met the person for them coming towards their 30s and, rather than waiting several years to see if it worked out, have moved in in about a year and got married withing 2-3 years. You're both adults, presumably with careers - it's not like being with your university boyfriend where you have to see how you cope with jobs/further study/adult life and that could mean waiting until your 30s before you're sure. But I think mature people can afford to make a decision about whether to marry/have kids within 1-2 years without it seeming rushed.

The other thing is how enthusiastic he seems - just this evening I saw a video with a very good commentary about women shouldn't have to ask for things to progress in a relationship. If the feeling's mutual the guy will move it along himself, otherwise he could be stringing you along.

@Echobelly People only move it along because they're in a hurry to have children otherwise why would you be moving it along? Women usually worry that they'd miss out on having children so they're quite keen to move it along for these reasons too. Why assume just because they're in their 30s that they have "careers", many people have just "jobs" and don't necessarily make any wiser choices than they would have done in their 20s.

IWineAndDontDine · 23/03/2023 22:19

I SHOULD tell you to be cautious. But ultimately, I've been with DH 5 years, pregnant after 9 months. The most reckless decision I have ever made and we have the most beautiful, healthy and communicative relationship I've come across. So lucky. I've also known people who have been with their partners years and they have ended up being totally non-involved parents when they finally have had children.

Because of your age, you have a lot to gain if you dive in head first, and a lot to lose if you wait. I'd go with what feels natural, and if that is super quick, what's the worst that could happen.

DarkShade · 23/03/2023 22:34

Listen, what would happen if you got pregnant and he walked out or you had an argument? If you really want a child and it would all be fine, then what is there to lose? If it would be a disaster, then take it slow and you'd better be sure, move intogether whenever but wait until you've lived together a few months to TTC.

The constraint her is the ol' biological clock. If you are not fussed about children then you can slowly date. If you want them then this could well be your chance, no sense in delaying, whatever happens.

TomatoesAndPeaches · 23/03/2023 22:41

How old is his child
How often does he see the child
Have you met them

balconylife · 23/03/2023 22:59

Every long term happily married couple I know (including me) knew very early on that they wanted to be together forever (within weeks, if not days) so I would dive right in if that's what your heart is telling you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/03/2023 23:04

What is he like with his ex? What's he like with child-support? Does he have a good relationship with both his ex and his child? Does he have good friendships that have lasted a long time? Does he get on well with his family? Are his family nice and drama-free?

Sunnygirl07 · 23/03/2023 23:07

BringItOn2023 · 23/03/2023 21:56

Start TTC at 6 month mark. Move in after 12 months but hold onto your own place if you own for a few years.

I personally wanted to be married before TTC so we did that.

To get within 1 year is fine.

Sunnygirl07 · 23/03/2023 23:08

*To get married within 1 year is fine.

Eyerollcentral · 23/03/2023 23:14

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 21:18

It's been 4 months. We had our first disagreement last week. Things are fine.

I'm usually very cautious and hold back, but I don't want to with him anymore.

My friends are all commenting about how they've never heard me talk about a man in the way I have been.

I feel like I should just go for it all in.

You’d be taking a huge risk. Four months in you don’t really know him. I would concur it’s your ovaries talking. I wouldn’t be moving in under a year and I’d want to be engaged by time he moved in with plans for a wedding, not just a ring. I wouldn’t be trying to conceive under a year and as I say I would want to be at least engaged. He is old enough to know if he sees this as a long term commitment after a year, as are you. If he isn’t interested in making a commitment then I’d be sacking him off tbh

qqq82 · 24/03/2023 05:42

I think at the end of the day none of us have a crystal ball
Any relationship could end at any time and for any reason it doesn't matter how well you know them or how long you've been together

namechangeforthisbleep · 24/03/2023 06:37

Howtostart · 23/03/2023 20:20

My God there are some miserable people here .. can I just say that not EVERYTHING goes to the MN plan ...

Met DH less than 3 months after separation..

Met his kids at 6 weeks.. with mine (as friends) .. No interaction between us at that point in front of DC but knew it would be a non starter if they didn't get on..

Moved in a year later

Married 3 months after divorce. ..

Hassle with DS and SF in teenage years.. (6 years later but nothing major. But decided separate homes were best ..

19 years later as happy as Larry .. live in two separate homes but see each other 4-5 x a week.. it's not easy to blend in teenage years.. but we worked through it.. he remains the love of my life ...

Good luck to you OP x

Same. The one where her ex tried to kill his wife is particularly weird. Oh yes you better be careful there's loads of murders out there OLD 😂🙈. I'm happy you're happy OP. Don't listen to the miserable bitter ones

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 24/03/2023 06:57

It’s only been four months.

An older man who claims to be ‘open to more kids’ doesn’t sound very convincing. How would you feel if you got further down the line and he said no?

EarringsandLipstick · 24/03/2023 07:04

Don't listen to the miserable bitter ones

🙄

People urging caution at 4 months into a relationship where OP is dead set on marriage & kids are not miserable or bitter.

Aprilx · 24/03/2023 07:07

I don’t know about the timeline, but I wouldn’t be moving in with anyone unless we had discussed marriage.

Clymene · 24/03/2023 07:08

N would be very wary of 'open to children' particularly from someone with a teenager and who is a few years older. How many is a few?

SugarMelonWater · 24/03/2023 08:58

I don't like this open for children bit. I think your fertility and age are making you panic and see him as the one. Have a child with him if he has no criminal record, sane normal person, his child gets on very well with him and the ex as well, if he has a normal sane family (well, reasonably so) and if he is solvent. If he drinks too much, floating between jobs or his ex is a' psycho', run.

Have a child with him if you are prepared and ok to be a single mum.

mondaytosunday · 24/03/2023 09:06

I met my husband at 39. He had been separated about a year. He proposed within six weeks, I met his kids around then. We got married a year later and I got pregnant just after our honeymoon s d had another one at 43.
He was stable, had been married for over 15 years, had been at the same top law firm for over 20 ( he ran it), had several close friends, and was close to his family and got on very well with my parents. All this demonstrated to me he was solid and not just interested in a fling, despite how quickly things developed. Yes it would have been great to have just had us time before kids but like you I couldn't really wait. If I hadn't hit pregnant though I'm not sure I would have gone to extreme lengths to - we were lucky.

YellowHighHeels · 24/03/2023 09:37

I was considering starting a thread like this.

Not figured out the rest yet but we're moving in in a couple of months (it'll be about 10 months in).

I'm not that bothered about marriage so have no timeline regarding that but he is so we have discussed roughly what kind of wedding etc we would want so I'm happy to wait and see if/ when he asks.

Children is the big one- I'm 36 and would like to stop using contraception after one year. He said at the start that ideally he would like to wait 2. I'm wondering how and whether to breach this regarding a compromise.

No existing kids here but in your case I'd want to know how often he sees DC, how their relationship is, and if not great then whether he takes any accountability for this and is taking steps to improve it, or whether it's all the mum's fault.

If that is all fine then at our age I would have some faith in past experience and and go for it as long as you'd be able to cope alone with a child if the relationship doesn't work out longer term. We don't have forever to have kids, that's the point.

onetimenamec · 24/03/2023 09:41

It depends. Which do you want more, the baby or the relationship? I know you want both but if you were absolutely guaranteed one one of the two? Acclerate if it is the baby and the relationship may be fine in the long run (together or co-parenting). Otherwise, do the two year thing but your fertility will decline in that time so the baby isn't guaranteed.

anonyrose · 24/03/2023 09:43

Is there hope for my relationship?
Ive been with my bf for 3 years and we both wanted to marry each other. A few months ago, he asked to breakup, this was a shock for me and it was revealed that we had issues in our relationship (my insecurities etc) which build up through out the years and it was too much for him to bear. He kept it to himself. I promised him I would work on myself and be better if he gave me another chance and he agreed. For the past 2 months, I have been doing much better and my bf agrees that if we were always like this he wouldnt have wanted to break up. He also thinks the relationship is somewhat nicer than what it was before. However, he has very strong doubts about us working out and for now doesnt see a future together. He thinks we may work out in the future but he seems unsure now. He also feels as if he loves and cares about me but the feelings may not be romantic anymore. He is willing to invest and work together and communicate more. Ideally he said he wants us to have a future but hes unsure if we can. We will also be going into long distance in 2 months as well. Having said that is there any hope for us working? We trust each other and are communicating more but his doubts are scaring me

qqq82 · 24/03/2023 09:46

@anonyrose
Nope
He's keeping you on the back burner in case he can't find anyone else or it doesn't work out with someone he already has his eye on

YellowMay · 24/03/2023 10:01

anonyrose · 24/03/2023 09:43

Is there hope for my relationship?
Ive been with my bf for 3 years and we both wanted to marry each other. A few months ago, he asked to breakup, this was a shock for me and it was revealed that we had issues in our relationship (my insecurities etc) which build up through out the years and it was too much for him to bear. He kept it to himself. I promised him I would work on myself and be better if he gave me another chance and he agreed. For the past 2 months, I have been doing much better and my bf agrees that if we were always like this he wouldnt have wanted to break up. He also thinks the relationship is somewhat nicer than what it was before. However, he has very strong doubts about us working out and for now doesnt see a future together. He thinks we may work out in the future but he seems unsure now. He also feels as if he loves and cares about me but the feelings may not be romantic anymore. He is willing to invest and work together and communicate more. Ideally he said he wants us to have a future but hes unsure if we can. We will also be going into long distance in 2 months as well. Having said that is there any hope for us working? We trust each other and are communicating more but his doubts are scaring me

This seems very unlikely to work out. Sounds like he is messing you about. If he’s ‘not sure’ about you, don’t waste anymore time on him.

MovingThroughTime · 24/03/2023 10:10

After 4 months, you’re not going to know him that well. I know that you want children but you need to be cautious. Most relationships will be really good so early on. You just need to see how things go for a year or so at least imo.

I really do hope it works out for you though.