I think I've met the one - what should be my timeline?

[excitedfuture]

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

He said we should know where things stand in July

What's July got to do with anything? What if you say to him you want to know where things stand in June? Why is he the one setting the date for you to know where you stand, @excitedfuture ?

Is something specific changing in July?

His ex wife cheated on him, he wanted to make the marriage work, she didn't.

Many marriages end in divorce. Shit happens. Most people move on and marry.

In my younger years, I would never have considered a man with a child or divorced, but so far he has been worth making the compromise for. Things are never black and white.

He has been very decent, and way more decent than most men I have met. And I am a tough one to crack.

There are no red flags so far.

He mentioned July as that's our 6 month mark. At our age, when you know, you know. Jesus, I have the experience to back it up.

I agree with the poster who said husbands come first, as you are partnered for life. Absolutely. If a baby arrives, a blessing.

How old is he, OP?

He mentioned July as that's our 6 month mark. At our age, when you know, you know

So, why is he saying July then? Doesn't he know yet? And if he doesn't, doesn't that put you at odds, since you're so sure?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods I said a few years older. 41.

Watchkeys he’s very sure about me. He’s told me since a few weeks of dating. He’s been driving things forward. He said in terms of making decisions July.

im not confused at all.

I think wait for a year before ttc. You do sound like you know but many people have known before and been wrong.

Oh she conveniently cheated now, thought the fertility issues were the nail in the coffin? What about the child he does have? I don’t think this guy is as fantastic as you want to believe he is but you clearly want to believe he is. Also if you are together six months in July how are you going out for four months now? Who even says we’ll stay together until July and at the six month mark we’ll decide whether I’m dumping you or not? The more you say the odder it all is tbqh

We’re just urging caution, OP. We don’t want to see another woman who feels she has little time, rushing to have a child with a subpar man. That’s all.

July seems arbitrary and red flags for ‘postponement! and he has a child and two failed major relationships behind him.

@excitedfuture timeline for having a baby should be asap

tineline for getting to know him with some certainty a couple of years.

and there’s your dilemma. In your position I’d look to move in together sooner than later as you’ll get to know the real him better.

ideally you want to experience some stress together to see how you both react and work through it.

but tbh I’d been with my DH 4 years before we had our first DC and we still found the adjustment difficult and he behaved poorly in some ways (though we worked through it and he made up for it with dc2 which is why I’m still in)

so it’s not always possible to know for sure.

in your shoes I’d move in this summer start ttc towards the end of this year. But plan / consider how you’d make it work as a single parent if it doesn’t go the distance.

gamble early and you may get it all. And if the relationship doesn’t pan out you’ll still have your child.

gamble late and it could be relationship only.

how much do you want to be a mother?

You're not really asking. You're going to do what you want to do as quickly as you want to do it.

Love bombing 101. You’ve moved VERY far in two months. Especially for a man with a child and a divorce behind him. It’s so flattering to think that someone is so bowled over by us that they are just swept away but it’s also a well known creep tactic. It seems really odd to then say we’ll make a decision at the six month mark. Is his lease up in august?

4 months is nothing, you don’t know him yet

Eh I thought fertility issues were why they split up? Now she cheated on him?

I was going to ask how much involvement he has with his teenager.

But I dunno. It just seems a bit odd. The July thing. Why six months? If you know... you already know. So he's saying he doesn't know?

Pfft like I said. I'd get yourself checked out asap. 35 is a senile mother or whatever lovely term they have for it. Your time is fast running out.

If it’s six months in July though it’s what about two and a half months now not four. 10/11 weeks absolute max

Congratulations OP!

I left an awfully abusive marriage with a man diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Wasn’t a nice time. But when I met someone very soon after, I just KNEW this was a ‘normal’ relationship.

We met in January, he moved in in April, I was pregnant in June. We got engaged the following spring when our DD was born. Married in the autumn. DS was born 9 months later. I was 37, he was 46 when we met.

still together 16 years later! I absolutely knew this was right, not toxic, no red flags, felt safe.

Oh well spotted.

@excitedfuture what's the truth then?

Oh dear. So it’s two months in reality and there’s differing reasons why his marriage ended?

🚩

There’s not much point in this thread really, is there? But if/when it goes completely tits up in a few months, I’m sure we’ll here for you.

Ops made their mind up, I don't see the point of the thread to be honest.

I'm sure it'll all be roses and chocolates from here on out.. hopefully..

As there already seems to be some mental gymnastics to justify it all, I hope she isn't working hard convincing herself in real life.

I think you don't properly know a partner until you live together, or you've been together for a very, very long time in lieu of that. I don't think there's anything wrong moving in together in the next few months - I know people your age and younger who have done that. After living together for a few months, then I'd consider the marriage and baby thing - he might be a completely different person to you after living in close quarters together! Seeing each other a few nights/days a week is not the same.

The only thing that really concerned me from your messages is that one of the reasons his last relationship broke down was because of the strain of fertility issues. I've been through fertility stuff with my partner of 12 years and it is HARD. You as a couple could face issues too and what if he found it too much again? I'd be worried about his commitment. If you do freeze eggs in advance, don't make embryos with his sperm at this point! If the relationship breaks down, he could legally stop you from using them, whereas as your eggs are free to use as you please.

Neither of us had children so we didn't have that consideration- but we were married and I was then pregnant within 13 months - we knew and years later it's still amazing. At you age I would t want to drag it out over years.

'Open to having more children'

I think a 41 year old, male or female, who already has a teenager, definitely knows one way or another if they want to do it all again.

I'd be very wary of this one.

How old is the teenager and have you met them?

I'd say he's getting quite ahead of himself making plans for moving in with someone else, if has a young-mid teen he properly parents.

Moving in with in less than a year, that should say