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Original poster

I think I've met the one - what should be my timeline?

155 replies

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

OP posts:
callthataspade · 24/03/2023 10:19

Someone said once observe a man through all the seasons before moving in. And I think that's sound advice.

Four months is nothing. I'm not dissing what you have. Maybe he's lovely. Maybe he's future faking and just saying everything you want to hear. None of us can say at this point. But that's the point. It's too early

I would discuss kids with him further. Maybe start the testing process now to see how much hep you're likely to need. Hopefully you'll soon see how committed he actually is to having another kid.

There's a big difference between being 'open to kids' and wanting one.

If he didn't want kids would that change things? I get the feeling kids is the driving force behind everything.

YellowHighHeels · 24/03/2023 10:42

anonyrose · 24/03/2023 09:43

Is there hope for my relationship?
Ive been with my bf for 3 years and we both wanted to marry each other. A few months ago, he asked to breakup, this was a shock for me and it was revealed that we had issues in our relationship (my insecurities etc) which build up through out the years and it was too much for him to bear. He kept it to himself. I promised him I would work on myself and be better if he gave me another chance and he agreed. For the past 2 months, I have been doing much better and my bf agrees that if we were always like this he wouldnt have wanted to break up. He also thinks the relationship is somewhat nicer than what it was before. However, he has very strong doubts about us working out and for now doesnt see a future together. He thinks we may work out in the future but he seems unsure now. He also feels as if he loves and cares about me but the feelings may not be romantic anymore. He is willing to invest and work together and communicate more. Ideally he said he wants us to have a future but hes unsure if we can. We will also be going into long distance in 2 months as well. Having said that is there any hope for us working? We trust each other and are communicating more but his doubts are scaring me

Better to start your own thread on this

Watchkeys · 24/03/2023 10:44

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 21:18

It's been 4 months. We had our first disagreement last week. Things are fine.

I'm usually very cautious and hold back, but I don't want to with him anymore.

My friends are all commenting about how they've never heard me talk about a man in the way I have been.

I feel like I should just go for it all in.

Only you can decide how much risk you're willing to take, OP. There's no 'right' answer here. Some have jumped in feet first sooner than you, and it's been amazing. Some have waited years and been duped.

You can see it all on the thread. It's a risk, always, to trust someone. You can mitigate it as much as you want to (by taking your time, ensuring you have an 'out', etc), but you can never get rid of it; it will always be a risk, to some degree.

Your degree of risk aversion is yours, and that's why we can't tell you what's best for you to do. Don't do anything that feels too risky to you or that leaves you open to what you would regard to be disrespect, without ensuring that you can walk away. That's as much advice as anybody can ever give you on any decision, really.

Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 10:55

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

He wants to move in together later this year.

What would this look like?

You into his? Him into yours? Or somewhere new together?

Have you met each other’s friends and family?

thisisasurvivor · 24/03/2023 10:57

callthataspade · 24/03/2023 10:19

Someone said once observe a man through all the seasons before moving in. And I think that's sound advice.

Four months is nothing. I'm not dissing what you have. Maybe he's lovely. Maybe he's future faking and just saying everything you want to hear. None of us can say at this point. But that's the point. It's too early

I would discuss kids with him further. Maybe start the testing process now to see how much hep you're likely to need. Hopefully you'll soon see how committed he actually is to having another kid.

There's a big difference between being 'open to kids' and wanting one.

If he didn't want kids would that change things? I get the feeling kids is the driving force behind everything.

Yes I agree

So so true

I have been in your position OP

I was bowled over by them

They were both abusive

Both wanting me to move in right away

pixie5121 · 24/03/2023 11:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisasurvivor · 24/03/2023 11:05

They can trick us so easily

(Maybe I'm wrong but just giving my experience)

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2023 11:19

I knew my husband was the one within a couple of weeks. We moved into our first flat together after three months, when I was 18. That was 45 years ago. We got married a couple of years later. I didn't want children in those days so it was a number of years before we had our daughter, so I can't comment on how soon I think the OP should start trying to conceive. But if I'd wanted a child at the time I met my husband then I don't think I would have let the length of time we'd been together have stopped me, because I knew he was the right person for me.

pixie5121 · 24/03/2023 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2023 11:49

I was just trying to counteract the many negative comments about knowing you've met the right person quickly with my own positive experience. I have other friends who began Irving together after around the same time as me and who are still together. We both saw moving in together as a very serious commitment and had got a mortgage to buy our first flat within a year of meeting. I know not everyone has the same experience but I know far more people who have met and moved in together/married quickly than who have separated.

callthataspade · 24/03/2023 11:55

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2023 11:49

I was just trying to counteract the many negative comments about knowing you've met the right person quickly with my own positive experience. I have other friends who began Irving together after around the same time as me and who are still together. We both saw moving in together as a very serious commitment and had got a mortgage to buy our first flat within a year of meeting. I know not everyone has the same experience but I know far more people who have met and moved in together/married quickly than who have separated.

I think the important thing for the op though is she just doesn't know.

I've tried to remain balanced with my view on this. Yes he could turn out to be her prince charming and happy ever after. Or he could be an abusive narcissist love bombing her future faking her with promises of kids who'll only reveal his true colours later. Or something in between.

We just don't know. And the op doesn't know.

To base all her children dreams on an unknown is unwise.

I would try to find out more about his actually feelings about having kids. I reiterate 'open to kids' is very very different to wanting kids

It will more than likely be tougher at the ops age. So if he's serious start the ball rolling on investigating fertility. I suspect she'll soon see how keen he really is.

Four months in everything is - or at least should be - exciting and giddy. I just think the op is at risk of getting swept along with that.

Original poster
excitedfuture · 24/03/2023 13:43

Lots of messages, thank you.
Having read mumsnet for years, I am of the opinion that at our age, with wisdom, people do move more quickly. Hence why I am asking about timelines. And of course, what works for many, or some, may not work for others.
I don't think I am being driven by my ovaries at all.
That's why I am childless at my age - I could have settled, and had a baby with a number of boyfriends, but they were ultimately not right. I always felt it within the first few months. That's what is different about this guy.
For those who have asked, he tried to have a baby with his ex wife, but she had fertility problems and it's one of the reasons why their relationship broke down. His child is from a relationship he was in during his 20s. He was with his ex wife for a decade in his 30s.

So he is open to having another baby.

I think many posters have helped me here - if he is keen to move in together towards the end of the year, I will let him know marriage and a baby should follow shortly afterwards. He said we should know where things stand in July, but he knows how he feels about me, and if things continue, he knows we will be together long term. And to be honest, he is right - when you know, you know. It shoudln't take you years to decide.

We are both serious and keen, he has driven this relationship from the start, he is bringing up these conversations, and it is so refreshing to be with a man who is clear about what he wants. He is worth a million compared to all the men I have dated before.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 24/03/2023 13:50

excitedfuture · 24/03/2023 13:43

Lots of messages, thank you.
Having read mumsnet for years, I am of the opinion that at our age, with wisdom, people do move more quickly. Hence why I am asking about timelines. And of course, what works for many, or some, may not work for others.
I don't think I am being driven by my ovaries at all.
That's why I am childless at my age - I could have settled, and had a baby with a number of boyfriends, but they were ultimately not right. I always felt it within the first few months. That's what is different about this guy.
For those who have asked, he tried to have a baby with his ex wife, but she had fertility problems and it's one of the reasons why their relationship broke down. His child is from a relationship he was in during his 20s. He was with his ex wife for a decade in his 30s.

So he is open to having another baby.

I think many posters have helped me here - if he is keen to move in together towards the end of the year, I will let him know marriage and a baby should follow shortly afterwards. He said we should know where things stand in July, but he knows how he feels about me, and if things continue, he knows we will be together long term. And to be honest, he is right - when you know, you know. It shoudln't take you years to decide.

We are both serious and keen, he has driven this relationship from the start, he is bringing up these conversations, and it is so refreshing to be with a man who is clear about what he wants. He is worth a million compared to all the men I have dated before.

What’s happening in July that he has set it as decisions date? Sounds like a sort of billy bullshitter thing to say tbh. Not sure why you asked when you know you are right about everything lol

Dacadactyl · 24/03/2023 13:51

I would be concerned about a man who had a child with an ex partner and couldn't make it work. And then went on to have a failed marriage. Those things would put me right off him.

Eyerollcentral · 24/03/2023 13:56

Dacadactyl · 24/03/2023 13:51

I would be concerned about a man who had a child with an ex partner and couldn't make it work. And then went on to have a failed marriage. Those things would put me right off him.

Yes me too. Plus OP what if god forbid you have fertility problems, you are ok with him dumping you like he did his wife? Not much of a commitment to ‘in sickness and in health’. Seems like everything in his life has been someone else’s fault 🧐

Clymene · 24/03/2023 14:10

How old is he? I notice you haven't answered

garlicandsapphires · 24/03/2023 14:15

Clymene · 24/03/2023 14:10

How old is he? I notice you haven't answered

she has - he's a few years older.

It sounds great OP. We have to take risks with love, so go for it.

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2023 14:39

I hope it works out for you, OP, and you have a very long and happy life together.

Clymene · 24/03/2023 14:46

A few years can mean anything from 41 to 50 though @garlicandsapphires

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/03/2023 14:56

I was in a similar boat with slightlllly longer timelines but not much. I did not want children in an unstable or mediocre relationship so want to be "sure" pre marriage. We talked about a lot premarriage. Where we would live. How we envisage life with kids sahm vs dual careers,, how much fertility treatment we would do if it was needed (ivf was a no for me) caring for elderly parents, retirment plans.... everything.

Personally...I'd say
Move in together around 6 months
Discuss marriage/future/children from a year (do fertility testing around 1 year mark too)
Engaged at 18m
Marry at 2 years (try for baby from a month or two pre wedding)

Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 15:11

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/03/2023 14:56

I was in a similar boat with slightlllly longer timelines but not much. I did not want children in an unstable or mediocre relationship so want to be "sure" pre marriage. We talked about a lot premarriage. Where we would live. How we envisage life with kids sahm vs dual careers,, how much fertility treatment we would do if it was needed (ivf was a no for me) caring for elderly parents, retirment plans.... everything.

Personally...I'd say
Move in together around 6 months
Discuss marriage/future/children from a year (do fertility testing around 1 year mark too)
Engaged at 18m
Marry at 2 years (try for baby from a month or two pre wedding)

Excellent advice.

But are you feeling a little ‘pushed’ by HIS timelines?

he has driven this relationship from the start,

he is bringing up these conversations,

and it is so refreshing to be with a man who is clear about what he wants.

How old is he?
How old is his teenager?

What relationships has he has since his marriage broke down and what were the reasons for their breakdown?

You only have his word for it that his marriage failed because of infertility - it could be a hundred other reasons - or it might be that.

I wonder if you are being dangled a carrot to behave until July. I hope that this is a glorious new chapter for you - but you must appreciate that your finite fertility window of opportunity is shadowing this in part.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 24/03/2023 15:15

"I will let him know marriage and a baby should follow shortly afterwards" ...

But babies don't just come to order.

What if you can't conceive? What if he is infertile? What if you are? What if you start TTC and it takes a very long time and this puts a huge strain on the relationship?

It seems to me the first thing is to decide if you want to to commit to one another, if you do, move in together and get married.

If flowing out of that, you're then blessed with a baby, wonderful. But don't assume it. You are nearly 40, and he is older.

I think you need to ask yourself, what do I MOST want. A husband, or a baby?

My own view is always that the husband comes first. That is the person you will be with for life. If you have a baby, you are there to nurture them and steer them to independence.

theyf · 24/03/2023 15:19

@Dacadactyl

They might not have wanted to make it work! Lots of people have flings and casual relationships in their twenties, occasionally resulting in a baby.

I feel like whenever people come on here talking a divorced man, the assumption is he must terrible, as people only get divorced due to cheating or abuse, usually on the man's part. This just isn't the case, esp now there isn't so much of a taboo against divorce - most couples I know of who have got divorced just got fed up with each other. Don't think it reflects badly on them.

Dacadactyl · 24/03/2023 15:50

@theyf we will have to agree to disagree on that one.

STARCATCHER22 · 24/03/2023 15:52

theyf · 24/03/2023 15:19

@Dacadactyl

They might not have wanted to make it work! Lots of people have flings and casual relationships in their twenties, occasionally resulting in a baby.

I feel like whenever people come on here talking a divorced man, the assumption is he must terrible, as people only get divorced due to cheating or abuse, usually on the man's part. This just isn't the case, esp now there isn't so much of a taboo against divorce - most couples I know of who have got divorced just got fed up with each other. Don't think it reflects badly on them.

I completely agree about what you’ve said about divorced men. People on here seem to always assume that all divorce is a man’s fault because he has cheated/abandoned his family or been abusive. That simply isn’t the case.

My partner has been married and is divorced. They just didn’t want to be together anymore. They co-parent very well and amicably. I personally think that seeing a man co-parent well with an ex is a positive and says good things about them both.