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Original poster

I think I've met the one - what should be my timeline?

155 replies

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 24/03/2023 19:07

He is hardly thinking of the child he has to be discussing having children with a woman he had only known for months, think about that. Does he know if you and his child would even get on, does he actually care?

Watchkeys · 24/03/2023 20:40

excitedfuture · 24/03/2023 17:52

Watchkeys he’s very sure about me. He’s told me since a few weeks of dating. He’s been driving things forward. He said in terms of making decisions July.

im not confused at all.

If he thinks July is the right time, that means that he thinks now is too soon, i.e. he's not sure yet. What else could he mean?

And if he's not sure, why are you so sure of him?

SkaterBrained · 24/03/2023 21:13

When you have a baby, you meet people in all kinds of circumstances. In my NCT group, both couples who were trying to make a go of it after a one night stand/FWB pregnancy are still together 12yrs on. They are happier than the couples I know who were together since Uni but didn't TTC until it was a bit late.

I would go all in at 38, TBH. I think the risk that it doesn't last long term is worth it, rather than wait 3-4 years to TTC and the stress and pressure of infertility/IVF.

You both know who you are and what you want. If you've met his family and friends, you can get a good impression of how life is going to be.

Good luck, hope you get your happy ending.

Autienotnautie · 24/03/2023 21:56

At 38 I would date for approx 6 months, live together for a bout 6 months then start trying to conceive . You could also get your fertility checked.

qpmz · 24/03/2023 22:12

I think you should take a chance with him and come off contraception imminently. You don't have to be actively ttc as in tracking ovulation but you could see what happens. Leave marriage for a later date, it would be a waste of your fertile months to plan a wedding etc.

qpmz · 24/03/2023 22:13

SkaterBrained · 24/03/2023 21:13

When you have a baby, you meet people in all kinds of circumstances. In my NCT group, both couples who were trying to make a go of it after a one night stand/FWB pregnancy are still together 12yrs on. They are happier than the couples I know who were together since Uni but didn't TTC until it was a bit late.

I would go all in at 38, TBH. I think the risk that it doesn't last long term is worth it, rather than wait 3-4 years to TTC and the stress and pressure of infertility/IVF.

You both know who you are and what you want. If you've met his family and friends, you can get a good impression of how life is going to be.

Good luck, hope you get your happy ending.

Well said.

Gremlins101 · 24/03/2023 22:44

I am really happy for you and if the time is right then it's right. I was pregnant just over a year after starting to go out with my now fiance. We just had our 5 year anniversary and we've 2 gorgeous children and we are happy, if tired, poor and grumpy! You don't always have to wait till things are perfect, just do what you want in life!

I wish you all the best on your adventure!

Ooonafoo · 27/03/2023 09:46

@excitedfuture How has your week been - how are things going for you?

No one on this thread knows what’s happening with your situation they are just sharing their own personal experiences which may or may not be relevant.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 27/03/2023 10:14

You haven't mentioned meeting his child? I presume you haven't at this early stage? If so you don't really know a huge(or at least it should be a huge) part of him. How he parents, his relationship with his child, how you are going to incorporate this person you haven't met and don't know into your family. If you don't know him as a dad you don't know him enough to be planning a family with him. I also find it really weird that you haven't really mentioned his child or him as a dad or incorporating his child into your family as things you will need to know about before you know if this will work out.

Coulditreallybe · 23/04/2023 21:50

How’s it going @excitedfuture

Popcorn121 · 23/04/2023 22:19

Just a word of warning from someone OLD in their mid 40s. A lot of men my age have ‘open to having kids’ on their profiles. When I talk to them, as someone who has kids and am not open to having more at my age, they just say they don’t actually want more kids. A lot of men put the kids thing out there because they know it will keep their dating pool wider and give them better chances with younger women. Hopefully this isn’t the case here….

SunflowerTed · 23/04/2023 22:25

xfan · 23/03/2023 21:31

He probably said he's open to more kids in order to keep you (and the regular sex he's getting). He's also probably hoping that at 38/39 you'll struggle to get and stay pregnant so the most likely outcome would be no more children in the future. And and you're desperate for a family, you'll take anything at this point!

What a sad person you are

slowsundays · 23/04/2023 22:31

Your desire for a relationship and baby is moving this along faster than it 'should' do but only you can decide what you want. If you want a baby and so does he, go for it. Any woman who gets pregnant and decides to keep the child should be happy to do so knowing one day they may end up a lone parent for a variety of reasons.

A friend of mine met her husband in the February, married in the November and a baby in the March of the following year. Quick? Sure. Do we like him? Not really. But she seems happy and she has her children and marriage that's she pined for for years and worried she'd never get to have.

In ideal circumstances you'd know your partner for years and years, have a solid marriage behind you and then dive into parenting together but nothing is ever truly ideal. Do what you will with what you have. It'll either end or it won't.

evuscha · 23/04/2023 22:36

My sister and her DP had their baby at 42. They met when she was 39, dated for a bit and started staying at each other’s place, and lived together for a year or so before getting pregnant. (she may have been trying for longer, I don’t actually know)
You could always freeze your eggs now if you want to have less pressure and buy more time and get to know each other better. Probably a good idea to live together a year.
For what it’s worth one of the mums from DD’s school is 51 (the kids are 4) it took them years of trying and multiple miscarriages though. So getting pregnant in your 40’s is certainly doable but harder.

evuscha · 23/04/2023 22:39

I should add my sister and her DP argue a lot nowadays and things got worse since they had the baby (niece is now 4), tiredness, stress, different parenting styles…
However these sorts of things you typically find out after kids anyway, living together for longer probably won’t help. Things were great between them when it was just them having fun traveling eating out etc.

TFC22 · 23/04/2023 22:47
Daffodil
mexicanandafewdrinks · 23/04/2023 23:10

ring within the year. for a baby you need to crack on! id have a 5 year plan of engaged married baby and house x

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 18:50

Well, just 1 month before he was due to move in (he kept pushing it), he suddenly didn't have any feelings for me anymore (we'd been together 7 months) and moved onto another woman.

Looks like it's just not going to happen for me...

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 03/10/2023 18:57

Gosh, that's terrible! So sorry. You must be devastated...

thisisasurvivor · 03/10/2023 18:58

So sorry

What a loser

You had a lucky escape

How scummy

FinallyHere · 03/10/2023 19:03

So sorry @excitedfuture

You have had a narrow escape

thisisasurvivor · 03/10/2023 19:07

I was in your shoes

Told all my friends

Was head over heels
So so happy

Then he started to ask for money each time he saw me

Then. Telling me to slim down (was a size 14 5ft 11)
He was hoping for a size 6-8
No jokes

Then he started wanting me to wear
White fcking dresses and white hookers heels each day

One night I ran from his house and never looked back

Some of these arse wipes are so so bad

Op so sorry xxxxxxxx

Original poster
excitedfuture · 03/10/2023 19:10

Thanks all. I just wish I could understand it...why?

He drove all of it, the commitment, moving in, talks of future etc.

I can't understand why anyone would behave this way.

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 03/10/2023 19:10

Future fakers

They are awful

They are abusers

Trust me it is def not you
Please try to move on and do not dwell on scum

Awful act 😞

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 03/10/2023 19:12

excitedfuture · 23/03/2023 19:19

So I have posted on here for many years, complaining about online dating, meeting one awful man after the next. People would say it would happen when you least expect it. I would roll my eyes. But I think it's finally happened. At the ripe age of 38. He's a few years older and his marriage ended a few years ago. We are both keen and serious, talking about the future plans, if things continue to progress as well as they have been. He wants to move in together later this year. It makes sense. I want a baby too. He already has a child (teenager) from a previous relationship so he's been there and done that, but he is open to more kids. I'm just not sure what my timeline should be for this. I'm 39 end of the year. I can't be leaving it too much longer, but I also want to enjoy my time with him, as it's been so utterly perfect. I haven't known love or security like this. He is exactly what I have been searching for all these years. He feels the same about me. It's not love bombing - things are really nice, calm and settled. We talk about our feelings in a comfortable way. What should my timeline be? I want to get married and have kids.

You should probably be discussing this with him??
there is no such thing as timeline.