Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

The hills are that way >>>

I wouldn’t give him another moment of my time.

God No!
He will drag you down with him

Nope nope nope, I would not want to be financially tied to someone capable of running up that sort of debt.

I’m sorry OP, but that’s a HUGE betrayal of trust. You have a child. This man does not deserve a place in your lives.

Do not let him move in with you. Do not mix up what's your and what's his.

I know this is the right thing to do

The right thing to do for whom?

Your child? I don't think so!!

He can sort his debts out then maybe move in with you after being debt free for a couple of year, but not now. You have a child to think of.

Difficult. Sounds like he’s pretty dire with money.

They say you shouldn’t love somebody for their money but it sounds like you’d have 5 years of financial hardship essentially paying off somebody else’s debt, then another 5 years saving for a deposit. However, if you can’t buy on your own you might be no worse off as it maybe 10 years before you meet somebody?

Do you have savings? How much better is your situation whilst you’ve been playing out these scenarios, did he think you had the cash flow to fund it all?

Sadly it has all been a fantasy life. That is why it seemed so perfect... He isn't who he led you to believe... Master manipulator...
And a fucking liar..
Get rid op.

Unfortunately it means that you would be insane to marry him. I’m sorry OP.

Don’t attach yourself and your kids to that debt-machine of a man. Stop trying to repress your natural anger and disappointment.

He’s not the man you want and certainly not a good person to mix into your kids lives. Come on now. Be an adult about this.

Being self-sacrificial and welcoming into your home (and your children’s home) is the worst and most irrational idea.

SIX FIGURES?! A little bit of debt I could forgive, you haven’t been together that long in the grand scheme of things and he’s told you before you become financially entangled. But someone capable of running up that level of debt has a problem. What was it from?

And now you see why there's so much shame and stigma attached to debt that people are scared to tell the truth...

This. I'm sorry, I try to be kind on these threads but wise the fuck up OP. You are living in Lala land and putting you and your child's future at risk.

The lying alone would put me off. He should have been honest from the outset.

Then to find out he's THAT bad with money....

I wouldn't go there. I know it's heartbreaking for you and dc, but honestly, you don't need to be tied to a guy with this amount of debt.

Don't be tempted to rescue him it won't end well.

Either make a clean break or keep your lives separate until he sorts himself out.

So sorry.

When you say 6 figures of critics card debt, do you really mean 100,000s???? That's fucked up! How did it get that bad? I'm sorry I couldn't ever trust him again.

Where does all his money go? Does he own the apartment? I certainly wouldn't be getting any further involved.

Pressed return too soon.

A friend was married to someone who ran up all sorts of debts without telling her. He even took out £100,000 of credit card debt in her name (he was a high earner, this was prior to the financial crisis). It all came out when they split. I know the relationship was worth it for her because of their lovely children, but trust me when I say that is the one and only reason why she’d do it all again. Otherwise: she regrets getting involved with him, completely and utterly. She’ll never be out of debt.

Critics?? Meant credit card obviously 🙄

To tie yourself to this man would be financial and emotional suicide op. He will drag you down.. And your responsibility is to your dc... You can't save him. You really can't.

Thanks God that he told you all of this before you got financially enmeshed.

OP, the reason why he might be in so much financial trouble in the first place might be the same reason why he lied to you, future faking for so long - because he likes buying his head in the sand instead of tackling problems head on (and it doesn't matter what that means down the line). It's recklessness.

Think very carefully if you want to be enmeshed with someone like that. Also, do consider the fact that there might actually be more, and that he's simply testing the waters to see if you'll run with what he's told you so far. In your shoes, I would wonder if he has a problem with the following -

a) Gambling
b) Drugs
c) Prostitutes
d) Flashy spending and impulse control

Each one of those is a liability.

burying his head in the sand*

Being financially responsible is something you learn quite quickly as a young adult. Well most of us.

I had a BF who had accumulated so much debt and like you I wanted to help him. We sought advise from citizens advise and he got Step Change to assist him. However, he also lied about his finances to me. He was living pay cheque to pay cheque and it was awful. It fell on me to hold us up most of the time. When we went on holidays, at the shops, upkeep of the home. Everything. Turns out he was really bad with lying in general. But, not everyone is like my ex.

But I wasted time on him which I will not get back.

DO YOU feel you have the ick now? or do you think you two can overcome this?

If you are young, or in your 20s you should be ok, but if late 30s or early 40s that is a choice to be crap with finances. And if he has no other responsibilities it does spell out lack of interest in keeping his life in order. You will always worry.

It’s about whether or not you should get hitched to someone with debt like that. Of course you shouldn’t. That’s not a moral judgment, it’s a sensible financial decision.

How did he take a credit card out in her name without her knowing?