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Original poster

Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

609 replies

LaPL · 21/03/2023 21:38

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

OP posts:
D0t · 22/03/2023 06:34

how did he get the debt? If it’s gambling then that is likely the end of things. Gambling is much like alcoholism and other addictions. You would not want this around your children as it will impact them.

I wouldn’t marry him. Ever! it’s too risky for your and the kids to entwine your finances through marriage.

if he was the love of my life and he was otherwise a good egg and able to permanently change how he handles money, I would support him through sharing accommodation/paying bills but I would not physically give him cash.

he needs to get some external help too and learn how to handle money properly. This would be a condition of providing my support. Even if it’s reading up about how to handle money well and talking to a counsellor

UseOfWeapons · 22/03/2023 06:34

LaPL · Today 02:57
He’s been nothing but wonderful to my son.

He hasn’t been wonderful to your son. He has lied his arse off to the pair of you. He didn’t do that by accident. He did that on purpose. If that had been a female friend, would you really be keeping her as a friend? I doubt it. Trust is paramount to a relationship. You can’t trust him, and neither can your boy.

I would make no plans to move in with this man, he can sort his own mess out. As a pp has said, he can coerce you into giving him expensive gifts or holidays on the pretext that it’s for both of you, and you and your son will take the downward spiral into debt with him, even if your finances are totally separate.

Value yourself and your son more than this. Being on your own with your son and stable, is better than being in a mythical relationship with a liar.

Dita73 · 22/03/2023 06:38

He was in a car accident that he said wasn’t his fault but he was sued. How does that work? It must have been his fault if he was sued. He’s full of crap

JoanThursday1972 · 22/03/2023 06:41

MindfulMess · 21/03/2023 21:51

Pressed return too soon.

A friend was married to someone who ran up all sorts of debts without telling her. He even took out £100,000 of credit card debt in her name (he was a high earner, this was prior to the financial crisis). It all came out when they split. I know the relationship was worth it for her because of their lovely children, but trust me when I say that is the one and only reason why she’d do it all again. Otherwise: she regrets getting involved with him, completely and utterly. She’ll never be out of debt.

@MindfulMess Why do these so called 'high earners' negate it all with debt? How does such earning capacity often go hand in hand with stupidity?

@LaPL One of my friends was lied to like this. It turned out that her partner was gambling. Drinking surreptitiously too.

oakleaffy · 22/03/2023 06:42

RUN 🏃‍♀️!

Men who lie about something as important as money , and far worse, who can’t manage money will indeed only drag you down into a mire of their debt.

Nailsandthesea · 22/03/2023 06:42

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 21:47

Sadly it has all been a fantasy life. That is why it seemed so perfect... He isn't who he led you to believe... Master manipulator...
And a fucking liar..
Get rid op.

This and 🏃

Zanatdy · 22/03/2023 06:47

When you ask for advice on here you’ll always get a ton of people saying I’d do this, I’d do that. They are dealing with a hypothetical situation. It’s very easy to say I’d walk away etc. Then it makes you look like the odd one for not doing that as you actually love that person and walking away isn’t as easy as people make out. People make mistakes in life. God knows I’ve made plenty. No-one here knows his situation and haven’t walked a mile in his shoes. Debt can spiral out of control very easily, and it’s easy to bury your head in the sand. I personally would go with his suggestion of him getting a room mate for 6 months. Let him use that money to pay the debt off. It then gives you some breathing space to decide what to do, make sure nothing else comes out etc. i wouldn’t just automatically leave someone I loved because they told me they were in a lot of debt. A friend of mine has kept debt hidden from her husband for about 15yrs. He has no idea. She’s a lovely person and this one thing about her doesn’t make her a bad person. Good luck

chevvyroo · 22/03/2023 06:55

Sorry if I have missed this OP but from what did the debt arise? That makes all the difference.

SaturdayGiraffe · 22/03/2023 07:00

So he got 120k debt from holidays and being sued…? And somehow has 20k cash in a safe and 45k savings??
Why not pay the debt!

whateverwillbewillbewontit · 22/03/2023 07:07

Firstly, how has he accrued 6 figures in debt? Is there any legitimate reason for it...a business collapse or some other reason? Or has he just chalked up debt by living beyond his means?

I once got myself into over 30k of debt by living way beyond my income. I stuck my head in the sand and figured that as long as I could meet the monthly payments it was ok. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't meet the monthly payments and it all came crashing down. I avoided bankruptcy but man, it was very, very hard learning to live within my means.

Today I never, ever spend what I don't have. If I want a nice thing, I save up for it. I have a budget and know what's coming in and going out and I save monthly. The point is, it's possible to change BUT...

  1. I'd never have kept this from my partner. I would have declared it at the outset. It's troubling that he's half promised you the fairytale knowing he has no means to pay for it
  1. Do you really know the full truth? Would he be willing to be fully transparent and open with you (including letting you know how and when he's spending? Is he a gambler? An addict? How did it get that bad? Can you see actual proof of what he spends and where the money has gone?
  1. I would very much avoid living together. He needs to downsize his large apartment and get something within his means. Even living at the same address as you (if he has bad credit) can negatively impact yours. Basically, before you can take another step forward you need to see by his actions (not his words) that he has genuinely changed and he's trying to dig his way out of the hole. It's not your job to fix him. Support him emotionally yeah, but not to fix the mess he's made.

The only way that I really learned my lesson was because I had to go through the hard slog of paying it back! If someone had just given me the money or made it easy, I'd never have learned how to do it. We learn our biggest lessons sometimes by having to do things the painful way.

Tomkirkman · 22/03/2023 07:19

Zanatdy · 22/03/2023 06:47

When you ask for advice on here you’ll always get a ton of people saying I’d do this, I’d do that. They are dealing with a hypothetical situation. It’s very easy to say I’d walk away etc. Then it makes you look like the odd one for not doing that as you actually love that person and walking away isn’t as easy as people make out. People make mistakes in life. God knows I’ve made plenty. No-one here knows his situation and haven’t walked a mile in his shoes. Debt can spiral out of control very easily, and it’s easy to bury your head in the sand. I personally would go with his suggestion of him getting a room mate for 6 months. Let him use that money to pay the debt off. It then gives you some breathing space to decide what to do, make sure nothing else comes out etc. i wouldn’t just automatically leave someone I loved because they told me they were in a lot of debt. A friend of mine has kept debt hidden from her husband for about 15yrs. He has no idea. She’s a lovely person and this one thing about her doesn’t make her a bad person. Good luck

Your friend maybe a lovely friend.

She is a poor partner to her husband.

Etoile41 · 22/03/2023 07:23

If he moves in and starts contributing this is likely to affect your spousal support payments. It would in UK, not sure about Canada.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 07:24

Zanatdy · 22/03/2023 06:47

When you ask for advice on here you’ll always get a ton of people saying I’d do this, I’d do that. They are dealing with a hypothetical situation. It’s very easy to say I’d walk away etc. Then it makes you look like the odd one for not doing that as you actually love that person and walking away isn’t as easy as people make out. People make mistakes in life. God knows I’ve made plenty. No-one here knows his situation and haven’t walked a mile in his shoes. Debt can spiral out of control very easily, and it’s easy to bury your head in the sand. I personally would go with his suggestion of him getting a room mate for 6 months. Let him use that money to pay the debt off. It then gives you some breathing space to decide what to do, make sure nothing else comes out etc. i wouldn’t just automatically leave someone I loved because they told me they were in a lot of debt. A friend of mine has kept debt hidden from her husband for about 15yrs. He has no idea. She’s a lovely person and this one thing about her doesn’t make her a bad person. Good luck

Someone doesn't need to be a Bad Person for you to break up with them. They can just be a fucking awful partner. Ending a relationship doesn't mean you think they're evil.

JoanThursday1972 · 22/03/2023 07:25

If I was in that situation financially I'd never seek a relationship and inflict that on a partner.

spelunky · 22/03/2023 07:25

LaPL · 22/03/2023 02:57

He’s been nothing but wonderful to my son.
he’s horrible with money and money management. That doesn’t mean he is a bad person.
when I got married in 2014, I was a student, I had zero savings and no pension plan.
now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a downpayment for a home.
i wasn’t a bad person, I was just figuring out my life and I wasn’t able to save.
not justifying his behaviour here, just saying that lots of ppl are bad with money

Show quote history

It's not the being bad with money that concerns me the most (although that is obviously a concern).

The major thing is the fact that he's let you develop this strong attachment to him over a period of years, and hasn't told you until now.

He has been hiding a massive part of his life from you. It's your call, but I could not be with someone who can lie like that.

Beck2023 · 22/03/2023 07:27

As others have said, if you stay in the relationship that is up to you but do not give him money, or let him move in with you as your finances may be linked (if he is dodgy then it will be easier for him to abuse your finances).
also someone who get in that much debt has a problem so is he actually able to manage his debt?
if he was able to start paying debt off, as soon as he was in the clear for a bit would it all just get spent.
im really sorry he has lied to you about this for such a long time.

you can split up for any reason without feeling guilty.
you certainly do not have to feel guilt about splitting up for this reason and you have no responsibility to support him through this.

helping him to pay off his finances is not ‘the right thing to do’ - you don’t have to do it all.

take care x

cormorant5 · 22/03/2023 07:27

You do understand that he will not change, His personality is incapable of change. He might change for a few months but one day he will revert and run up bills and you will have the Debt Collectors kicking in your door because that is where he lives.
Leave, occasionally treat him to a meal out but do not risk pregnancy with him.

CaptainMarvelle · 22/03/2023 07:27

From your updates, this does sound less of a disaster than it did at first. I think if you’re cautious about finances as you’ve described, and he understands how much of a hill he needs to climb to regain your trust, maybe it’s worth salvaging. I don’t think I could forgive the lying though. He waited so long to tell you, it says at best, there’s something very weak about him.

Nc252525673 · 22/03/2023 07:31

now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a downpayment for a home.

Yeah can't imagine what a bloke with 120k of debt sees in you.

Richhandcream · 22/03/2023 07:33

You're arguing for staying together so that's clearly what you want to do.

ChateauMargaux · 22/03/2023 07:36

If he owes taxes of $45,000 that must be quite an income he has been squandering. His $20,000 for emergencies should be used to pay his debts. $500 per month seems very little to 'save' every month if his income is based on $45,000 taxes.

$120,000 of debt should not be walked away from if your partner has income.

He may be guilty of sticking his head in the sand.. . but he is not facing this now by running away from it.

mynameisbrian · 22/03/2023 07:38

now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a down payment for a home

there is nothing really to add to this...this liar of a man saw you coming.... reeling you in, treating you like a queen and being lovely to your son, why wouldn't a man with 6 figure debts not try his hardest with a rich divorcee. He really did reel you in giving you the poor me I feel bad for being a liar story and of course his depression.

You are a mug

NoraButty · 22/03/2023 07:43

It sounds like you’re trying to rescue him. Is that what he wants? For a woman, a single parent, he’s known less than two years, to help him out of this?

if he genuinely wants to do this on his own, and if he is genuine about changing then he will want to, you should let him. Don’t try and take over, you coming in here rescuing him can be viewed as manipulative, like you’re taking advantage of his situation so he becomes beholden to you.

My advice is, if you point blank refuse to split with him you should at least drop all ideas you’re having of fixing his problems, let him fix them himself or he will never learn. Don’t suggest he moves in with you as it will free up money for him to kickstart the overspending again. See how he does on his own, that will show you who he really is.

AIBUNoNo · 22/03/2023 07:46

Has he actually lied?

To me, it seems as if he's withheld the truth which is not quite the same.

His hopes and dreams for a future are still there, as is his good job etc.

For me, the concern would be that he is not able to manage his finances and you have no guarantee this will change in years to come. Anyone who spends so much beyond their means on something like holidays to the extent you say, when they are a high earning professional, has some serious issues, along the lines of addiction.

He's created a fantasy life for himself, 'pretending' he can afford all those things. Maybe he is a fantasist in all aspects of his life - for example his relationship with you? You have no idea if living with him would be the same as dating as you are both still in the honeymoon stage of great sex and stars in your eyes.

Who's to say he won't go back to his old habits of overspending on something new?

The worry is that he's not faced up to managing this debt and has savings he could use to clear some. People who live with debt like this often have addictive type personalities where the thrill from getting what they want overrides the pain of the debt - until they are forced to face up to it.

Do you want to live always worrying that he might slip back into his old ways when you share finances?

I wouldn't.

JussathoB · 22/03/2023 07:50

No way should you live together with this man. If you continue the relationship, you should keep finances completely separate and live separately to protect your independence for you and your DC. Don’t you realise there is a possibility that he could put you and your child into debt too? He could live separately nearby if you really don’t want to end the relationship.