Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

Am I right in saying this is the first time you've posted on Mumsnet, op? You've now had 73 excellent replies. Perhaps you'd like to come back to the thread and continue the conversation you've started.

So most of that 18 months has been lies and future faking? I wouldn’t want someone like like involved in my child’s life. That is the right thing to do.

As for me, if I felt I could do it without it being really difficult after the lies and love bombing - I’d downgrade him to the odd date/night out/FWB.

*its a well known fact that someone who has been in a relationship like your marriage, will go on to another person who abuses them but seems fabulous compared to the previous one.

the 'fake' bloke you fell in love with doesn't exist.*

This.

No wonder he's been so "lovely" and so committed.

He's looking for someone to take him and his debt on.

RED FLAG!! You thought he was great but trust me it was all lies! Do not move him in!

Run for the hills. Or he shows you the statements to prove its true and not just a lie, @LaPL

I agree

Why is he in debt? I suspect it's as above and its more headache than it's worth.

Leave

Some extra context:

He struggled with depression in the past

He had a very bad car accident 10 years ago (just an accident, not his fault) and he was sued by the other driver, that made him very scared for his future and he wasn’t able to cope.

He started spending, recklessly, vacations, expensive diving trips, living well beyond his means for a while, until the debts got out of control and he decided to just not deal with it.

Some people put their problems under the carpet and I get it. I’m not like this.

In the past 18 months, he never insisted to live with me, he never asked for anything, we were splitting cost of vacations and dinners out, but mostly he was paying. Even now, he’s saying he should live in his apartment, get a room mate for the next at least 6 months, and after the debts payment plan is well underway, I should reconsider if I still want to live with him or not.

He showed me today all his bank statements, for the last 2 years he’s been able to maintain 1 credit card and paying it off every month.

He’s been saving (I saw it today) about $45,000 to repay taxes. He has $20,000 aside (in a safe) for emergencies.

He showed me today his credit score and all the entire report (not printed, from the website, so I know it was true). Credit score is bad.

So this debt problem is something older, not recent, that he’s just not wanting to deal with.

He is aware of this huge mistake and he is going to talk to an advisor to make a deal with the creditors. It’s called consumer proposal (I live in Canada) they help you by reducing your debts with a repaying plan for up to 5 years. But your credit score will be bad for a while. He wants to get better by his own.

I told him very clearly that I am not, in no circumstances, will share my saving with him or combine finances.

His name won’t be in any lease agreements or joint credit cards or anything.

My savings are locked in investments in my name only. Here in Canada, even after you get married (not that I would marry RN this man I don’t trust), your debts will never be jointly, unless you BOTH incurred to it. I know I am protected that way.

I am attached to him, I wasn’t staying with him in the hope he had tons of money. I want to make sure I don’t walk away from someone who was in denial and made a huge mistake, but he’s willing to get better. He wants to tell his parents for the first time.

I’m very hurt and still pondering, it’s just feel wrong leaving someone you love, who is struggling with mental health and money problems and who is actively seeking help.

He never asked a penny from me. He’s living within his means for the past 2 years.

But the debts are still unresolved

Stop trying to rescue him.

Sorry are you seriously contemplating letting a man move in and basically paying for him to live with you while he pays off debt supposedly. So stupid. Offer practical help where he currently lives and then it's up to him. Do not put yourself in a very very stupid position.

No, not at all. He has an income, he makes more than I do. If anything, by moving in he will be helping me cut my bills and rent in half. So I can save more of my own money.
i never offered to pay for his debts, his debts and my name will never be associated in any way. i offered (still thinking) to combine our monthly incomes (not savings! Never) and help each other out in the months to months expenses. That will give him the possibility to pay (let’s say $500/months) towards his debts, and me the possibility to put my entire spousal support into my OWN savings account, I see it as a win win, nobody else see it this way?
i’m renting my apartment, it’s not like he will have part of my house if he moves in, equity etc, none of that

But he has lied to you - big time.

He may be saying all the right words - but and it's a big but, with a decent job, no real responsibilities, why is he still using a credit card ? That's just too much temptation - it sounds like he's still not living within his means. He's offering you 6 months of good behaviour and he'll tell his parents and then a chance to review whether you want to live with him. Six months wont scratch the surface of a 6 figure debt, even with a room mate.

I appreciate we're all telling you to step away and that's scary and may seem unfair to you. But the thing is you know we're right - why would you come and post here unless somewhere deep in your mind, there's a little voice going No, don't do it ?

And if he can lie about this - he can lie about anything

He’s been nothing but wonderful to my son.
he’s horrible with money and money management. That doesn’t mean he is a bad person.
when I got married in 2014, I was a student, I had zero savings and no pension plan.
now, thanks to my abusive ex, I had two houses, good savings, pension and a downpayment for a home.
i wasn’t a bad person, I was just figuring out my life and I wasn’t able to save.
not justifying his behaviour here, just saying that lots of ppl are bad with money

I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again?

This is the crux of it OP. Listen to the voice saying this, it's very sensible.

He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there.

But he presumably said loads and loads things that weren't true before now. About serious topics like marriage and buying a home. About your future and therefore your child's future,

You'll never really trust him again as he made the conscious choice to lie, for years, repeatedly about serious things. That isn't a sustainable dynamic in a relationship.

not justifying his behaviour here, just saying that lots of ppl are bad with money

I completely agree lots of people are, but not to the tune of six figures of debt.

He’s been saving (I saw it today) about $45,000 to repay taxes. He has $20,000 aside (in a safe) for emergencies

Then why did he tell you "I have no money, I have zero savings"?

Six figures is a lot of debt. There's a reason. Is he a coke head or a gambler? Those addictions don't just go away.
I could almost forgive him for not telling you he had debts but that's a lot of money. He HAS hidden this from you but he's also come clean when he's got in too deep. At least you weren't on the way down the aisle realising the caterers weren't there and there's no honeymoon.
The deception I think I could forgive but I'd need to understand the underlying causes and they be caveats. I'd want to go through all his finances and appoint myself 'money monitor' and give him pocket money but more importantly id need to check somectime lines. Did he fess up because he couldn't lie to you now the relationship had moved on, or did he predict this ail along and move the relationship along in preparation for a bit of cocklodging when he finally lost his home. Check those eviction, court dates carefully.
if youre satisfied he owned up for thecright reasons, l would let him stay over but I would not have him registered at my address....and it goes without saying, the weddings off.
As it stands, he's not taking anything off you financially, assuming your not subsidising him. He is however taking your time and your love....and your daughter's.

He got into debts by conducting a lifestyle beyond his means, costly vacations mostly, and expensive hotels. This started years ago. It adds up quickly.
he showed me today all his bank statements, credit report etc. he’s been paying off entirely every months his only open credit card for the last two years, he’s been paying off his car and he’s been living within his means for the last 2 years.
he knows about my savings and never took advantage of me financially ever. We have been paying things equally most of the time, maybe he was paying the extra dinner out, because he makes monthly more than I do.
I have no intention to share my savings with him. My child is protected by me and by his father (shared custody) and I receive a good amount of spousal and child support every month that I am not willing to share with anyone.
the only think I would combine is our monthly incomes to help me save more (in my own saving account) help him build up savings (in his own saving account) and give him the possibility to pay off his debts.
I live in Canada, even if we live together, our financials can stay separate

A MILLION% THIS OP!

Use your head and not your heart to protect your dc & yourself. You have been through enough emotional hardship in the past. Also coming out from that type of abusive relationship it can be easier to settle and let amber and red flags go, because in comparison to your ex they seem like prince charming. He is not, it’s all been a fantasy and you need to prioritise your child’s financial and emotional security and happiness above your own.

You will meet someone else who is lovely and who doesn’t come with this dangerous baggage. I’m fact baggage is the wrong term, it sounds like it’s in the past, where as this is very much the present for a very long time, and this man can NEVER be trusted with finances and like the will repeat his behaviours that led him into this mess. He has shown how easily how he can lie to your face about such huge and important things, and sell you dreams that will never manifest, he can NEVER be trusted again. He can and will lie over the big things again.

Sorry cross posted with you there.

You ask can no one see it from your point of view - well yes we can but, and here's the stinger - that's whey we're telling you to step away. We see your point of view - you want to save him. We're saying he has to save himself as far as the debt is concerned, and by the way - don't forget he has lied to you, he has encouraged you to dream a comfortable future together - all the while knowing the dreams were built on wisps of smoke. He has deliberately misled you and pulled your child into his lies as well - that's not a person with a heart of gold.

Lets say you move in together, it's all fine for a while but there's always going to be that little seed of doubt in your mind, (and if there isn't there should be) you can't build a solid long term relationship on that degree of doubt.

I've re-read your OP and it's not just a 6 figure debt, but 'at least 6 figures'. At your estimate of $500 per month and say $500,000 debt that's 83 years min to pay back. He will be holding you back financially forever.

Please step back

So, love bombing and future-faking.
and you’re still defending him, citing his past as if he is a victim.

I hope you think long and hard about this, OP,

please don’t be one of those who comes back in a few years and says “he’s lived with me for years and won’t marry me.”

because once a man has seen it’s easy to lie and lead you on about the lovely wedding (falling in love with a venue!) etc, he’ll keep doing it and move the goal post, kick the can down the road.

of course he hasn’t asked you for anything yet. YET.
he’s making sure of you, first.

you are swimming with an alligator - make no mistake - he is just biding his time.

I know his kind SO well. They come across as wonderful, because it’s how they survive.

I truly hope you get free

P.S People who are this horrendous with money are usually always horrendous with it. It may start up small again during the time he’s on his best behaviour trying to win you over and please you, then when you’re all in with him, it will only be a matter of time and he will then spiral out of control again.

I’m speaking from experience here, please save yourself and your darling child the heartache and trauma. He is and always will be like a black hole with money.

So he's obviously bad with money. I don't think that will ever change. Unless there a more red flags you are ignoring then I would say it's ok to move in with him, but you should buy a house in YOUR name only, don't mix finances, and never ever marry him.

Also he may as well declare himself bankrupt at this point.

I do see your point, absolutely. However, I am a an adult, in my late 30s. In the past 1.5 years, I saw him with me, with his family, his friends, I saw the way he acts, the way he thinks, etc. you can’t fake your entire personality like that. He sold me the life I was dreaming, that yes.
His debt is in the $120k. But, as I mentioned, I live in Canada where you can (similar to bankruptcy but with way less penalties) can file for a consumer proposal where they reduce your debts up to 80% and the creditors usually take the deal because otherwise with bankruptcy they will get much less.
you make a monthly plan and you pay in maximum 5 years. After that, your credit score will be affected for at least another 2 years, limiting your borrowing power.
it’s a shitty situation to be in, but we are not talking about 30/40 years here. I want him to get better, I can offer support and I can offer to continue our relationship, from a place of truth this time, but I would NEVER pay $1 towards his debts. I want this to be clear.