Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

I got a credit card online a few years ago and it was easy peasy. It would have been entirely possible to do the same in dh’s name. All I needed to say was that I was him.

I’d be very wary of moving this man into my home op. He showed you his finances but you really don’t know if this is the whole truth or not. I’d suggest he does the lodger thing for 6 months.

This is how I’m reading it as well. Watch some of the series online about fraudsters. Inventing Anna, the Tinder Swindler. There is another. I forget the name.

Oh Op, you are making so many excuses for him.

Let’s pretend the debt isn’t a big deal. He claims he knows the lies are big enough that you might leave him. But still got involved with your child, still got involved with you. Sat and made plans for your joint future whilst also knowing it wasn’t going to happen. He future faked you. He took the piss out of you. He say knowing you genuinely believed and looked forward to a future together that wasn’t going happen and kept it from you.

He let your son get attached to him knowing a secret, that impacts the whole relationship. Knowing he was keeping something huge from you. That’s not someone who has your (or your sons) best interests.

I have been in debt before, but mainly due being a single parent and trying to make ends meet. I absolutely would not have planned a future with someone and hidden it. I wouldn’t plan a future with someone knowing it’s not going to happen for a long long time without telling them.

The whole ‘I know you might leave me’ was said to guilt you into not leaving. The blaming it on the circumstances around the accident and how he could help but spend excessively as it was his way of coping is deigned to make you feel sorry for him. Non of those excuses him lying to you and waiting to you were so emotionally involved, it will cloud your decision.

He isn’t the good man you think.

Honestly OP, you need to really listen to the replies here. I know you don't want to consider ending the relationship but you must have doubt which is why you're posting.

He has lied.
He has misled you.
He's had conversations with you about a future he knows can't exist, that's cruel.

These are deal breakers. He is not a good partner, no decent man would do these things.

It's not just about the debt, it's how he's decieved you and only confessed now that he knows you're committed.

You have a history of being with abusive men; I'm sure at some point you thought your ex was wonderful, too. You're excusing his behaviour but it's inexcusable.

Listen to the experience here - this guy is showing so many red flags you've got bunting. Don't waste any more of your life, think of your child here, do you really want this lying man as a role model?

You ask in your OP what we would do - I'd run a mile.

Run

I live in Canada where you can (similar to bankruptcy but with way less penalties) can file for a consumer proposal where they reduce your debts up to 80% and the creditors usually take the deal because otherwise with bankruptcy they will get much less.

you make a monthly plan and you pay in maximum 5 years. After that, your credit score will be affected for at least another 2 years, limiting your borrowing power.

it’s a shitty situation to be in, but we are not talking about 30/40 years here.

So why hasn’t he done this?

He’s taken some steps not to make things worse (is he managing to cover the interest on the debt he has?) but he hasn’t, in two years, done what’s necessary to put this behind him and move on.

You have a child. Don’t save him. You don’t have to break up with him, but don’t bring him to live in your DD’s home. It will make it harder to be clear headed if things don’t work out. It complicates things. You don’t really know him. People can and do have very different personalities for considerable lengths of time in different situations. You don’t know the truth here.

Take a step back. Stop dreaming about the wedding and the nice house with him until he’s in a position to have that dream with. Just date him, as you currently are, but living with the reality of his financial situation. What is he like when he can’t pretend he can make your dreams come true? What else does he have to offer you? You don’t have to drop him and run for the hills just because he’s come clean, but the sensible reaction to finding out someone has lied to you in a big way is not to pull him closer and tie yourself more tightly.

The thing that jumps out at me is that he only just sounds like he's starting to get a plan together to resolve the debt, and so may still be a bit ostrich head in the sand about it, and that this debt was driven by a poor time with his mental health.

Has he ever got help with his mental health following his accident or just let time 'heal'? I wonder if he hasn't really got over the causes of his debt in the first place and so may be at risk of falling that way again. If you were ever to think about staying with him, you need to be really, really sure he's not going to fall back into that pattern again, including if something else traumatic happened.

I dunno, @LaPL, most respondents are fixating on the money - understandably, but I'm not because I have a lot of debt, and know how a cascade of life events can leave you with a shedload of unpaids which just go on accruing interest. I also understand that you (and he) are better protected in Canada.

But it's the lie. It's the huge, sustained, deliberate lying. He lied for 18 months, persistently. He wasn't even covering his arse out of shame or something: he chose again and again to mislead you about your future together. He constructed an entire fantasy for you to enjoy with him, knowing it was a fabrication that you believed. This is not an act of love; it's calculated deception. There's no other way to see it.

I'm sorry you've been conned.
Some women who've fallen for romance scammers have taken the view that, for as long as it lasted, they had a wonderful time. Like you, they hadn't yet lost everything. I'd like to think you're able to cut this short, too, and enjoy the dreamlike memories.

What is he like when he can’t pretend he can make your dreams come true?

Good question. You have no idea who he really is, do you?

I wouldn’t move in together… what if you find out there’s been more lies about other things and by that time it’s too late and him moving out would be a big deal (would he go?) and hard on your DS?

Let him file for the consumer proposal under his current circumstances and start paying things off. You may want to bank/save more money when he moves in but think what it could cost you if it turns into a nightmare. What about if you find out he’s actually been married before but his wife left him because of debt or something? How would you feel if you discovered another lie.

You may want to help him by letting him move in but that’s a future thing, for now- if you’re staying with him- keep him at arms length financially and try and rebuild some trust, let him pay off some debt, then maybe see where you are in 12 months
Btw it would be interesting to see if he stays with you if you tell him he can’t move in.

As everyone else says, do not allow him to move in with you and your DC.

He needs to be taking action NOW to reduce his debts (& quite honestly why has he left it until he has a comfortably off girlfriend before he talks about tackling these issues - can't you see how naive you are being?).

He needs to get out of his nice apartment, find a much cheaper room to rent and get on board with the debt counselling agencies. And stop spending on dinners out and other luxuries.

You can still date (not expensive dates obviously!) but keep your finances 100% separate.

It is easy to say all the right things.

It isn't easy to do them.

I would not have him move in with you - I can see it makes financial sense, sure, but it's also the easy way out for him and no matter what you do to ring fence your finances... it is a slippery slope.

Have him get a room mate to reduce his outgoings, see what other efforts he makes to reduce outgoings, reduce debt etc.

Revisit the moving in with you plan after six months or a year of that - if he is truly all you believe him to be, that won't be a big deal for him.

If he is not, it will be too much and this will fizzle out or more red flags will pop up and you'll end it.

He's lied to you the whole time. If he'd have told you straight away, would you have stayed? I doubt it. He's waited until he's got you and your son in a position where you really want to stay and then dropped the bombshell. He doesn't sound like a great guy to me. I would walk away, not just due to the financial issues but also due to the length of the lie.

If you do stay with him, never get married and don’t live with him. Protect yourself and your child.
Know that he is a liar and there may be other skeletons in the closet….

It sounds to me like he was really ashamed of his situation and probably the reason he kept it from you (not excusing the lies). Looks like he's already made steps to control his spending if he's been living within his means for the last 2 years. I would provide all the help I could now that he's been transparent with bank statements etc, I also think it's a good idea to tell his family, as he has suggested (more accountability). I wouldn't let him move in until such time as his financial situation is much improved and I'd want regular confirmation that he is sticking to the rules in terms of getting his debt paid off. One chance. ANY veering away from that and I'd be gone. You could still have a nice life together once he has sorted himself out. Good luck, OP x

He has lied his arse off to you every day for the last 18 months.

No reason at all to think he won't do it again.

You’re clearly determined to have him move in with you. So do it. Why ask for opinions when you’re blatantly ignoring the very valid points made?

Well he has lied throughout your entire relationship. You are clearly someone who wants to ‘save’ there partners. You have left an abusive relationship and walking straight into another. This will not end well. You were vulnerable when he met you and you are his way out, he reeled you in to his fantasy and now you love him and poor man needs help as he was depressed etc etc etc. he will move in and you will be finding out more lies. Do not do this to your child. If you truly want to continue seeing this man it needs to be on the basis of starting again. He needs to be absolutely honest too. Not sure how you are going to do much given he has no money and not a lot else to offer.

I think you need to go and see a counsellor to understand why you are not chucking this man to the kerb

I actually agree with this, especially after your follow-up comments OP.

I think the question I would ask is whether you can get over how angry you feel about the “lies”?

Did he actually lie to you though? Or did he just withhold information from you about his finances? Because I still think that 18 months is quite quick to expect to know all of the ins and outs of your partner’s finances. He could have genuinely meant all the things he said to you re marriage etc. He might still want all those things but knows he has to deal with the debt first.

You’ve seen proof that the debts are historical, not recent. He’s not taken financial advantage of you. He pays his way. No history of gambling addictions etc. He has a good job. Decent guy, great with your child. I wouldn’t throw all of this away because he managed his finances poorly for a while.

As you say, it’s vital to keep your finances separate. Let him demonstrate for the next six months that he’s working hard to clear what he owes. Maybe then review letting him move in, on the proviso that finances continue to be separate. But just slow things down for now - and no more half truths. If anything else is misrepresented, it’s over.

Thats what I would do @LaPL - but only if you can get over how angry you feel. There’s no point if you can’t. And it’s fine if you can’t - we all have our own personal lines.

It seems like you have nutted out a protected way of staying with this man that you love.
It seems like you are aware of his debts.
As long as he stayed showing you evidence of his budgeting Iand as long as you are attracted to him, you could give it a go. Have an agreement that he leaves if it is not suiting you.
Reassess every year.
If you have a further child, can you work out a way that you can financially survive for seven years? Can he contribute at all?

Seems to me he hasn't changed as much as your rose-tinted spectacles like you to believe. If the version of events you choose to believe is true, he got into this mess ultimately because he was hiding from reality, burying his head in the sand and pretending everything was fine. He is still doing this. All the fantasies about the wonderful life the two of you were/are planning, if he had changed he would have known they were a myth but he chose to pretend both to you and himself that they were viable.

I also have serious concerns as to why someone with so much debt to the point they are consider an extraordinary arrangement with creditors is keeping a five-figure sum in cash. Sounds very much like he has fraud on his mind because that's exactly what he will be committing if he doesn't declare that cash as part of the arrangement.

He is dishonest to the core and his prior depression etc is just a lame excuse you are accepting to try and explain away his lack of morals.

I think you are being incredibly naïve if you think you can control this. OK, you might manage to stick to your guns and never give him a penny towards his debts or actual cash for him to spend, though I wouldn't hold my breath. What is very likely to happen is you will find yourself being steadily cajoled and coerced into indulging his tendency to live the high life, even if it's beyond his personal means. You'll end up conceding to his suggestions that the pair of you should go on such-and-such a holiday, or you really need that expensive car and you'll pander to the expensive birthday presents that he hints at and help him afford the expensive hobbies that just make him so happy. He can bleed you dry without you actually giving him a single dollar.

Has he actually lied? He has a dream of owning a house with OP, he's just not in a position to afford it now.

He hasn't disclosed the information, most likely because of how ashamed he is.

I would want to understand how it has arisen. If there's a deeper problem like gambling, another addiction etc. it becomes harder.
If he showed signs of wanting to clean the mess up I wouldn't end the relationship.
Instead I recommend you both look up Dave Ramsey on you tube and get on with fixing things. The dream is just delayed.

Sorry but he's not just bad with money. He's also a liar , a very good one to keep it up for 18 months. Anyone who can lie to that degree is a bad person. You have a very screwed up idea of a good person.

See, he let you believe he was rescuing you to hook you, but the plan really was for you to rescue him.

If you have spare cash in any month, put it in a Junior ISA for your child NOT towards the debts of a man you owe nothing to.

So he can go bankrupt or do the 80% Canadian thing you mentioned to get out of his dire financial situation? Fine for him - but has he thought how not paying his debts will affect the people he owes money too? You are blinded by love bombing.