Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

Run. And don't look back. Sorry.

His financial mess is not your responsibility. Do not let him move in - he’ll drain you dry.

part of me wonders what else he has lied about, and whether he has targeted you.ie, a relatively newly separated single woman.

I don’t know the exact details, but they were married and lived together. I assumed he filled out a pre-approved application, you know the ones that used to come in the
mail? If you know someone’s personal details it would be quite easy, or at least would have been in the past.

He’s a liar
he’s terrible with money
he’s got 6 figures of debt.

Those are all red flags. Massive ones. Neither you nor your son deserve this life. You’ll never recover from that. Even if he manages to pay £1000 a month. That’s still 9-15 years paying it off. Not. A. Chance.

if he’d had to buy an ex out of house/business if possible have some sympathy but this seems like a train wreck

Run don’t walk

Exactly this. And I'm wondering why he told you at this point as well.

Why on earth would you want to spend the next few years, paying of a debt, but you haven't even benefited from?

Difficult one, OP. If he moves in with you, your credit files will be associated and you will be affected by his poor money management.

Stay as you are, let him do what he needs to do, he needs to be real about money and sort himself out on his own otherwise he could do it again.

My SD is going through the same with her partner. 10ys in and he took out an iva without talking to her and ran up £40k of debt. They have a house with mortgage. She took on the debt cos he couldn't, thry are not splitting up and he wants her to take 100% responsibility for his £40k of debt. He's lied to everyone about it all. She always earnt more than he did too so it was all imbalanced.

I personally would walk. But I'm not in tge relationship, you are. Def do not tie yourself financially to him. His mess his problem. Its a lesson he obviously needs to learn.

Run for the hills. What else has he been lying about?? It's the lies. Very dangerous. You don't want him near your child anymore

You have a CHILD.

You have to keep repeating this to yourself every time you're tempted to help him in any way shape or form.

Your responsibility is to your child. You need to protect your child from this disaster of a man.

Run run run far far away.

OP Put your child first. Your child. Not him. He is a liar and will ruin you and spoil your child's life. End it now and let him, get on with what he has done.

Don't let him move in with you. Don't do anything that will confuse his finances with yours. You don't want to end up responsible for his debts. If he is a decent person he will understand that you don't want to jeopardise your child's security. If he isn't a decent person, then stop seeing him.

If he lives at your address, you are putting your credit score at risk. Don't do it.

@LaPL its a well known fact that someone who has been in a relationship like your marriage, will go on to another person who abuses them but seems fabulous compared to the previous one.

the 'fake' bloke you fell in love with doesn't exist. He's in the same (lovely) body, same (gorgeous) face, but he's not who he said he was.

it's no SO much the debt, it's the lies. You'd never trust another thing he says.

DD might really like him and she'll probably be upset, BUT that will
oass, staying with him will mean a much worse life for her for a much longer time.

you can show her that having boundaries is a good thing & in the future she can make good decisions for herself and leave relationships that aren't healthy for her, it's not her responsibility to 'fix' partners.

Every £1 that goes into supporting him so that he can pay back debt, is a £1 you coukd otherwise soend on making sure DD's life is stable

you don't have to 'rescue' him from his own bad judgement.

you'd never trust him.

be straight with him. Tell him you're sad about the situation, hurt he lied to you, and that you can't stay with him because you'd no longer trust him.

Be Strong, your daughter needs you to be!!

Thank him for being honest but explain that you're life is already complicated enough after the divorce etc and that you wish him well for the future etc etc.

DO NOT MOVE THIS MAN INTO YOUR HOME WITH YOUR CHILD.

He has lied to you all this time. He is a liar and a fantasist. You will never be able to trust him.

He will probably ruin you financially.

You need to end this relationship.

He has lied for the entire length of your relationship. That is who he is - a liar.

He's reeled you in OP. He's got you so addicted to the oxytocin from all this future stuff you'll ignore the sirens and red flags that prompted you to write this thread.

NO he doesn't move in with you and put yours and your kids financial or any other security at risk. Give yourself a huge slap.

That much debt doesn’t ‘just happen’. I agree with @EarthSight , the reasons he is in debt are probably pretty unpalatable

I work as a volunteer for a charity giving debt advice. Some people are in debt due to life circumstances (unexpected business failure, sickness, sudden family event, taking on debts of partners, cost of living crisis etc) and some people are in debt due to their lack of personal responsibility over finance, and impulse buying. I can tell you that the second group do not get better in their behaviour very often, in my experience of dealing with them. I give impartial advice, regardless of what brought them to our service. However, I do reflect on their partners, relatives etc and the burden that their lack of financial solvency has on the family. I could not tolerate a partner, especially live-in, who had racked up lots of debt. It would worry me. Some clients are distressed and just want to get away from the debt by paying it back in installments. Some are looking for short-cuts to escape the debt, and see bankruptcy as a way out without considering the full consequences of it. I know someone who went bankrupt, and it later affected their life and business opportunities. It left her dependent on an alcoholic partner who was incredibly financially and emotionally abusive to her. She felt stuck with him as her credit score was so bad. My advice to you is that if you stay with this man, do not let him move in. You could risk debt collectors banging on the door, and you would be enabling him to acquire more credit if his monthly expenses are reduced. Do not marry him either as his debts will become marital debts. He is not an amazing loving partner if it took him a long time to tell you something important to your future. Reflect carefully on what is best for you and your child.

Do
Not
Move
Him
In.

Do the right thing for your child! Stay solvent, dump him. I haven't seen you say how he got in that mess but it won't be an extra coffee or new shoes for that much.

He is a fantasist with little grip on reality or a pathological liar. Avoid at all costs.

NO no no no no - and just in case there's a shadow of a doubt - NO. Don't move him in with you. His problem will then become your problem and yours alone. You are not his saviour. Moving him in with you is so wrong it's off the scale.

Be supportive yes - help him with working out what he owes to whom, draw up a list of organisations together he can contact for advice. Buy him a take away pizza and a glass of wine on a Friday night. Put that moving in together out of your head right now.

It's not about shame and stigma. It's protecting your financial future and more importantly that of your child.

Honestly I think it's absolutely mind blowing you are even considering staying with him.
Please for your own sake and your child's see sense and see he's been reeling you in as a potential meal ticket no wonder he's been Prince Charming!

You should be putting your child's welfare and well being first not someone you've known for 18 months and who has lied to you for all of that time.

You're not even divorced yet. Give your child some stability.

This level of debt, coupled with this level of denial, speaks of patterns of behaviour that are extremely unlikely to change.

Don't be the fixer here...not when you have a child and your own security to consider.