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Original poster

Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

609 replies

LaPL · 21/03/2023 21:38

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelle · 21/03/2023 22:30

"It was a beautiful love story"

It was a story. He made it all up and sold you a fantasy, over and over again. He's been lying to you all this time, repeatedly, happily, cheerfully. He waited until he was confident he'd got you well and truly hooked before deciding to tell the truth. He's judged that you're now in too deep to tell him to fuck off and fix his own mess, so he's decided that now is the time to tell the truth. What he's done to you is cruel, calculated, scheming, manipulative and deliberate. Don't reward him for this cruelty by sacrificing your and your child's future to get him out of a mess he made.

I'm sorry.

PaigeMatthews · 21/03/2023 22:35

unclebuck · 21/03/2023 22:20

He is a fantasist with little grip on reality or a pathological liar. Avoid at all costs.

This. Come on, op. He lied and lied and lied.

I know this is the right thing to do
it is absolutely the wrong thing to do. And you need to really think about why you think staying with a liar is the right thing tondo.

piedbeauty · 21/03/2023 22:37

Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses ... I know this is the right thing to do

Nope. It's not the right thing to do. I'd run for the hills.

He's a liar.
You can't trust him.
Don't give up your financial security for him.
You're not responsible for him.

DumpedByText · 21/03/2023 22:40

He is what is called a 'future faker', he's reeled you in with fake promises that he can't fulfill. I'd quit now as he'll just drag you down with him x

HoneyPotBee · 21/03/2023 22:42

Debt is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t want to build a life with someone like that and he’s had ample opportunities to tell you the truth.

romdowa · 21/03/2023 22:44

So he loved bombed you , fed you a tonne of lies and then came to you with a sob story? Looks like he's reeling you in. He obviously seen you coming a mile off. Why do women inflict such men on their children?

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/03/2023 22:45

I think before I made a decision here, I'd need more information.

How did he run the debts up? Was it gambling, addiction, payday loans etc?

Is there a reason he didn't deal with it more quickly?

Will he show you his credit card and bank statements so you can see if he's been fully transparent with you? And so you can see there is no recent spending? Actually, I'd want to see his credit record too so you can be certain there's nothing else hidden.

Who has been paying for everything since you've been dating? Does he know about your savings? Has he taken advantage of you financially so far?

I think the answers to all of the above would determine how we moved forward - and if we moved forward.

I understand why people are saying run for the hills, but there's a huge stigma around debt. 18 months isn't that long really to start disclosing the ins and outs of your own personal finances. I didn't have joint finances with any partner at 18 months, and I can't say I ever had any conversations about their finances at this point either.

I would be extremely cautious about sharing my own assets with him, and for effectively restricting my child's lifestyle just to pay off his debts. However, I wouldn't necessarily finish the relationship over this - it would depend on the answers to the above.

trythisforsize · 21/03/2023 22:46

If he can feed you a massive lie for a year and a half, sit making plans with you knowing it was all a crock - what else is he capable of.?

It's way too risky to stay with him, focus on yourself and your child. He's clearly a con artist to be able to lie so convincingly and for so long.

tara66 · 21/03/2023 22:47

Presume this guy has been earning for about 10 years and has a ''decent'' job you say and his own flat with no responsibilities so why is he over £100,000 in debt?
Will he declare himself bankrupt? Whatever he does - please break away from him. If I was only told about his debt after a year and a half - I would be extremely angry. It is a huge elephant in the room and there is no room for anything else. Say 'Goodbye' - what an escape you have had!
You have to question why he wittered on with you about weddings, holidays and buying houses when he was so in debt?
He may have been stringing you along as a ''get out of jail'' card - as that is where he might end up..
Has he explain his financial situation? But whatever he says - please end this relationship asap.

LizzieSiddal · 21/03/2023 22:47

The thing I could not forgive so the lying. He’s lied by omission to you for a long time, day in day out, and you believed him.

He’s a good liar and that is not someone you should have in your life.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/03/2023 22:58

If he's lied to you about this, then what else is he capable of lying about?

I'd be done with him.

Thoughtful2355 · 21/03/2023 23:02

Sorry but he will become a cocklodger.

Geppili · 21/03/2023 23:05

End it. As PP said he's going to cocklodge with you. Don't do this to your child.

Geppili · 21/03/2023 23:06

And what @romdowa says. He is taking you for a mug.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 21/03/2023 23:10

He's a liar, a fraud and a financial train wreck. Explain to me like I'm five why you think moving him in with you, or even continuing this relationship, is a remotely sensible idea.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/03/2023 23:11

It's the fact that he has taken this long to tell you.

Smineusername · 21/03/2023 23:12

Yeah fuck that

LexMitior · 21/03/2023 23:17

Do not

A) feel sorry for him
B) blend your finances
C) have him move in
D) lend or give him any money

TheRealist · 21/03/2023 23:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/03/2023 23:26

I know this is the right thing to do

Seriously???

This man had lied to you for 18 months, and even gone as far as to reel you in talking about completely fabricated wedding plans, venues etc

I was finally feeling so fortunate

Yep and that’s exactly what he was counting on…Your perception of relationships has been twisted by the abusive ex.h. Unfortunately, because it doesn’t follow the same pattern you’re completely ignoring the red flag bunting being presented.

I’m going to be as kind as possible here but you need to pull your head from dolly dewdrop romantic fantasy land before you and your child are in serious hot water financially.

This isn’t a little white lie one month in, it’s huge and has the potential to ruin your child’s life.

TheMatriarchy · 21/03/2023 23:28

The calibre of men full stop frankly, its not just single mothers who are utterly disgusted by the immaturity, laziness and entitlement that abounds in the male population.

This is just the beginning OP, love bombing is over, from now on it'll be one nasty surprise after the other while he continues to sink his hooks into you. Be prepared for some weapons grade manipulation coming your way.

McSlowburn · 21/03/2023 23:45

SIX FIGURES CREDIT CARD DEBT!!

I have never heard of anyone being in that much debt!! A relative of mine has £17,000 credit card debt (which lucky for him will shortly be paid off from an inheritance). But his MINIMUM monthly repayments are about £500. I can't imagine how this guy was ever even allowed to get into this much debt.

I'm so sorry OP, but the reason he's so loving is that you're a walking cash cow for him and he will literally drag you and your DD down with him.

It's going to be hard but you have to end things I think - just keep reminding yourself that there is a very specific reason why he has been so nice - it's called desperation and if he hadn't met you he'd be promising the world to the very next mug that came along.

GarlicGrace · 21/03/2023 23:57

I would agree with @SpidersAreShitheads here, about investigating thoroughly and proceeding with caution, if he hadn't done all that future-faking with you. I'm also debt-ridden. As compassionate as I am, I cannot imagine a scenario in which I'd be having all those enthusiastic conversations about houses, weddings and rings without mentioning this glaring obstacle.

You don't forget you're insolvent. It underlies everything, like boiling lava beneath the floor you're dancing on. I've got hundreds of saved shopping baskets on websites; in a weak moment I'll check one out and then I'm looking at months of miserable course correction. I can imagine, in a weak moment, enjoying the excited feeling of making future plans (indeed, this is what my saved baskets and bookmarked holidays are about), but I can't imagine letting it run on at all, never mind with another person and a child involved.

They make tragi-comic films about Walter Mitty types - and about scheming con-men. Your man's one of these or the other, there isn't an alternative explanation for leading you up the garden path so comprehensively. I'd say kudos to him for finally coming clean but this is a humongous, long-running, deliberate lie. I suspect there's some reason he had to tell you: maybe someone threatened to do it if he wouldn't, or maybe he's facing a prison term or similar.

You're going to have to let this one go. You must be devastated. I'm sorry.

MMMarmite · 22/03/2023 00:10

I'd leave. He's lied so fluently and easily, planning your wedding venue for fucks sake. How could you trust him after this?

Do you know how he got into such debt? Do you have evidence that his story about that is now true, or is this just a slightly truer lie?

You need to look after your child's security. Don't move him in with you. Either split up, or if you can't bear to do that, put all plans on pause while you get the measure of the real man you are dating, rather than the illusion he's been showing you until now.

Bobthebuilder12389 · 22/03/2023 00:21

This was my DH, he lied about a lot of things before we were married. I found out about the first lies shortly after getting pregnant, if I hadn’t been pregnant I may have walked away. It wasn’t until just before the wedding more lies came out, again I forgave mainly due to not wanting to air our dirty laundry in public. Finally about 8 years ago it was too too big, like your BF 6 figure debt hidden behind my back, my own credit rating was effected because of his lies and behaviour. I had just had another baby and a lot of other shit going on.

We are still together, it took an intervention with his family and them telling him they would support me if I walked away with the kids. We got him counselling, put a payment plan in place. My in-laws covered all activity and club costs for our DCs so they weren’t effected. He had a breakdown and even though I was supporting him I took no shit, he was told in no uncertain terms he’d lost my trust, all finances were to go through me, he was not allowed any privacy and I would be questioning everything he said and did until a time I felt it was right to stop.

The debts gone, we are in a good place financially. Through councillors and Drs we discovered he has ADHD and some MH problems. He’s doing really well, takes his meds, is very open and honest with me, I see all his financial ingoing’s and outgoings, though I don’t check as much as I use to. Most importantly we are very happy.

Im not sure I would have stuck beside him had we not had children together though, I’m glad I did now, but it was very hard and I was definitely prepared to walk away if he’d not stuck to the rules.

i can’t give you any advice, I think in your position, not married, no kids together and it’s only been a shot time I’d probably walk away, but only you can decide that. I just wanted you to know that yes some people can make a go of it.

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