Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

I can assure you (and I hate saying this), I've been a victim here.

Yes, you are. He's betrayed you terribly. You don't seem angry enough. I hope it will hit you soon, with all the force this extended con trick deserves.

Life is better when we're lucky enough to find the right companion(s), of course that's true. I think perhaps you entered this relationship too soon after leaving the previous one; your defences were not strong and, unfortunately, someone manipulated them.

You'll be okay. I have a sneaking suspicion you will break the barriers to single home ownership, actually. Please give yourself time to rebalance, engage with your friends, develop your own interests. Rebuild your boundaries and hone your judgement, with therapy perhaps. Be gloriously, independently, satisfyingly yourself!

Then, when you meet possibly suitable companions, you'll be meeting them from a position of strength.

I didn’t mean to imply you aren’t the victim in this LaPL. You absolutely are. You didn’t deserve what he’s done. Even if my interpretation of your post about future vision had been right, it would still be him that was in the wrong.

“OP, I wanted you to see what people who are responsibly tackling their debt look and sound like. Your man is not doing any of it. He is still in denial, still feels entitled to live the high life while others pick up the tab.

First an itemised list of everything he owes, with interest rates and due dates.

Complete acknowledgement that he owes this money, that he took it, that he spent it, and that is his responsibility to repay it, IN FULL.

HE FAILS THIS FIRST STEP. He is welching on his debts. He wants to be bailed out.

A clear plan to repay, covering all minimums, then prioritising clearing highest interest rates first.

People in debt ARE recommended to keep a TOKEN emergency fund, usually £500, so let's say $1000 CAD. The rest of his 'emergency cash' goes straight to clearing the highest interest debts. That was easy. Now he has more of his monthly income free to pay the remaining debts. The Snowball effect kicks in.

Now what is this 'cash for taxes'? Is it in cash because he is hiding it? Pay the taxes or clear some more debt.

Now, income. Can he increase his hours? Take a second job instead of gadding around conning women in the evenings and weekends? More income means faster debt repayment.

Can he raise any other money? Is he sitting on get-rich-easy investments like bullion or crypto that he could liquidate and direct to debt repayment? Does he drive a flashy car or motorbike that he could sell, and either cycle or replace with an old banger for a few years? Does he have lots of electronics and boys toys? He should sell them all, save one laptop and one phone. That's a lot of money freed up to pay off his debts.

I'd say his plan to share with a lodger is the right idea - except I reckon he's intending to spend lots of time at yours, gaining all the benefits of a family home with none of the expenses or responsibilities. Not good.

Now, expenditure. Has he cut his outgoings to the bone, apart from rent, utilities and basic food? He should have. Every time he's spent anything on a frippery or a luxury he's been spending money that he didn't have, that he already owed to someone else, that he has effectively stolen from others.

People who are responsibly tackling long-term debt repayment ARE recommended to allocate some money for fun and entertainment, but it is a small token amount, say a streaming service on offer, or a takeaway meal and bottle of wine once a month, or a week in an old caravan with the kids. IT IS NOT a never-ending carnival of eating out and transatlantic holidays.

Your man is not doing any of this. He is still in denial, still feels entitled to live the high life while others pick up the tab.”

This with bells on. It’s an excellent post.

But, I don't know if it's me having a distorted vision of reality, when two people fall in love and everything is going well, they move in together, maybe they get married, and most of the time, they might be able to combine they forces to buy a property together and live there, building their life (and equity).

Personally, I think they don't always have to move in together, particularly if they meet later in life. It's not a particularly popular view on MN though, where you are apparently only allowed to use the word 'partner' if you're living together. Otherwise he's 'just' a boyfriend or you're 'just' dating. But if you are a bit older when you meet, and one or both of you has children, I think circumstances change. You might just not want to blend your lives in that way. And that's fine, if it's what you both want. You can still have a partner and companion who you share your life with, just you don't have to put up with the snoring all the time or worry about what they're up to with their money.

I don't think this applies to your current situation OP, but may apply to any men you meet in future. Also, I would say there are red flags in your situation, and were before the debt reveal. If things look too good to be true, generally they are. As soon as I saw the title 'amazing, loving partner' I thought 'oh, another love bombing abusive twat'. This is not to say you lower your standards and look for someone not-perfect from the start, but someone who promises you everything and looks too good to be true, generally is too good to be true. I'm betting there were signs there, but sadly you're not attuned to them and I think you need to work on that before you date again.

The debt issue I can understand but dp and I live pay check to paycheck. Cost of living and low wages rather than irresponsibility. Anyway...sorry...i digress.

I understand the pandemic was difficult for many people. But I don’t really understand your attitude to being single. Not to say being a single parent is not a challenge, but if you share custody you do have some back up.

This attitude makes you super vulnerable to men like your DP and to also to hanging on to bad relationships at all costs. It does explain your attitude.

I think you should be honest with yourself that the reason you’re prepared to cling onto such deceit and profligacy is not “love” but simply that you’re terrified of being alone.

It would be worth exploring this and finding ways to make yourself more self sufficient and able to enjoy your own company.

I understand the pandemic was difficult for many people. But I don’t really understand your attitude to being single. Not to say being a single parent is not a challenge, but if you share custody you do have some back up

I agree with this. You are taking what happened and how you felt during the pandemic and extrapolating it. Being single in the pandemic was extra shit. But now things are back to normal so you can start building up a social life again and meeting new friends that way, and possibly a new partner. I struggled through the pandemic with loneliness but it is much better now.

This attitude makes you super vulnerable to men like your DP and to also to hanging on to bad relationships at all costs. It does explain your attitude

It really does make you vulnerable to these types. They can pick out women with self-esteem issues a mile off, or women who are desperate to be in a relationship to avoid being alone.
I think you probably started this new relationship too soon after escaping an abusive marriage and didn't have enough time to heal and build up your own self-worth. That made you vulnerable to someone who told you a pack of lies and has 120K debt.

It's positive to see how you seem to have changed a little during the thread - from starting out talking about moving him in and him being an amazing partner, to realizing that you have been a victim and that he isn't that great after all and that you won't move him in under any circumstances.

Give yourself more time to heal from that abusive marriage and then you'll be in a much better position going forwards to meet a decent partner.

Excellent advice.
Want to recommend
www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Great dating advice and excellent group of women.

The thing is, if he'd told you at the very beginning that he had debt but was doing things to sort himself out then you could have made the decision as to whether you wanted to pursue the relationship or not.

But he didn't do that. He strung you along for eighteen months and fed you a pack of lies. As you now can see, that was bloody cruel!

So for me, it wouldn't necessarily be the debt that puts me off him (although it's pretty shocking) but the fact he thought so little of me to allow me to dream and plan a future.
How do you look someone in the eyes again in the same way after that?

I'd be wondering if there was anything else he hadn't told me. I certainly wouldn't be able to trust him.

I'd step back a bit, let him prove that he is capable of changing and taking ownership of his choices and go from there.

Or just dump him. It's up to you.

What worries the most is his credit score: he won't be able to get a loan, a mortgage, a new car or even rent another apartment for a very long time and that definitely would impact me too

And as you're starting to recognise, that's exactly why being determined not to use your own money to support him won't work - at least not if you want any kind of future with him

In theory you could go without those things you want just for the pleasure of being with him, but there'd always be the temptation to "help out just while he gets back on his feet", and it's doubtless something he'd encourage once the initial upset's worn off, with an inevitable promise that he'd learned his lesson

And all for a guy who deceived you into believing all this would be possible in tthe first place ...

Thanks for saying that @GarlicGrace . I actually found a bit of strength the other day, and I started thinking differently. Who said I can't get my own place? Maybe it won't be a family home, but I can get a small apartment and it will be mine and mine only. I am determined to stop spending my spousal support payments, put them aside for at least another 1.5 years. My other savings are already invested and they will grow a bit. I want to improve my salary - even thought I love where I work (I work for a foundation, we raise money for cancer research) - but I can do better salary wise, as I don't have the luxury to rely on a partner and work for passion only. I know I can do it alone, it will be hard, but I owe it to my child, I want him to be proud of me always.

It's hard, very hard, when I see how attached my son is to him, they are buddies and all I wanted was some stability in his and my life :(

You do sound stronger today. You absolutely can have your own home as well as other things without relying on a man!

What did you decide @LaPL

Hi all, some updates:
I don’t see him lately and we are not talking either. He gave me my house keys back.

I told him to come back with proven progress, a plan for repayment and for his future.
I am giving him the “hope” to continue our relationship just because I want him to stop hiding his head under the sand, but reality is that I will break up once he’s on that path to recovery.
I am way too hurt and I cannot excuse or accept his behaviour, the trust is gone, possibly forever. He lied to everyone for years and I just can’t get involved with this type of personality, even if I think it was a great guy, with a big heart, a fantastic sense of humour and very supportive. But his behaviour towards me and our relationship is unacceptable. But it’s very hard to let go of all of that, I am not going to lie.

I’m looking for an apartment, I put an offer on a small apartment the other day, but it wasn’t accepted unfortunately. But the ball is now rolling and i hope I can find a place just for me and my little one. Toronto housing market is nuts and extremely competitive/expensive.

so wish me luck!!

I'm so glad you've posted this OP. I was so worried you were unable to fully see how he had treated you. You are smart and brave and setting the best example for your child here. Best of luck for the future.

I wanted to find a partner - because I believe things are easier when you have the love and the support of another person going through life.

Whilst I agree with this, it doesn't have to be in the form of a romantic partner. Are there any clubs/sports/local networks you could meet some friends? Easier said than done I know, but if you're feeling lonely (which is understandable) it might be worth looking into. Really pleased to read your update and sorry to hear about the apartment but I'm sure something will come up.

This. He's been play acting at being a grown up with a perfect life. The real man is someone you haven't seen. But it's brave of him to admit it, at least.

If you’ve not been seeing or talking to him lately surely it’s already over.

Good luck op you are doing the right thing

I have only just seen this thread. As I was reading all your posts I wanted to give you a wobble as you were clearly blinded by love.

I am so glad to have read your most recent post. Well done on taking the right steps to put yourself and your child first! I hope you’re doing ok.

Good luck OP. I’m glad you have discovered the truth early on and escaped now.

I wasn’t so lucky and didn’t find out that my partner was a liar and manipulator until I’d married him and had two children. It took me 8 years to get out of a horrible abusive marriage and more than 2 years to divorce him. He’s still trying to get money out of me, I’m still paying off debts of hundreds of thousands that he ran up in my name and he doesn’t see or pay for his children .

Such a heavy price to pay for those few early years of charm and promises 😥

@LaPL , what a great update. I’ve been following your thread though not posted. I just wanted to share with you that when I husband left me 10 years ago, I was in a PT job that did not pay very well (I was on a great career path until I took the foot off the pedal and decided to step back from my career for my two very young boys then) and I remembered going to a therapist and bawling my eyes out about how I could never afford a home etc for my boys.

I live in London (equally expensive houses!). It’s been a slog but ten years on, I have a great job with good career progression. I own a 4-bedroom house in London. My boys are doing great. And I love my life. I have dated. I ended a two-year relationship last year with someone like your boyfriend (no kids, never married, financially irresponsible) and I would never go back there again.

Having my own home has given me a whole lot of stability. Even if I met someone, if they have less more (fine!) but I will forever protect my house as a home for my boys and myself, even if it means I never marry. I will
never be financially dependent on anyone again. I have a friend who moved from another country to the US to marry a guy who is richer than her and who looked like he could provide everything for her and her children. But she’s now not in a happy marriage she’s stuck in.

Focus on your child and yourself and providing their stability yourself. It’s empowering. Even if you met someone great and you marry and you buy a house together, what if they walked away again? Take care and you sound like you are on the right path!

You’ve already been through hell once and got out, why would you go through it all again? It may be a different kind of hell but being dragged into financial insecurity and financial distrust will be no better for your mental health and that if your child’s than your previous situation.

Re your update, good luck OP. So glad you are seeing sense, it can be disheartening to see women accept any old crap from a man so glad you’re not doing that.

So an amazing man but shit with money? That’s still an amazing man in all other aspects, money isn’t everything and if you only want a partner for money go back to your abusive shit of an ex.