Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

He sounds awful. Avoid.

I only read 1/3 of your post and already I'm thinking, throw him back and don't settle for anything less than you're worth

I only read half the post and wanted to shake you. He's vile. Bin him.

He sounds horrific - and very bad for your mental health. Take him at his word - tell him it's a hard no and he should cut contact, as that's what you'll be doing.

What is it you like about him? He sounds bloody awful....

He's dreadful- honestly this isn't going to end well- massive red flags all over the place

He wasn't worth the first chance, never mind another!
Sorry OP, i'm not one to comment usually, but this man sounds disgusting.

Do not let this person back into your life. Your boundaries here are poor to say the least and he’s taken full advantage of your BPD as well.

Dear Tails
This is so sad to read. You can definitely do a LOT better than this. He sounds really unpleasant, and being with someone who treats you like this will not do your mental health any good over time. Just say No Thanks and Goodbye. You will do a lot better when you have digested this experience and in time will be ready for a happier, more loving relationship. Don't hang on to this one. Throw him back. Plenty more and better ones out there. Sending you a hug. 💟

Why on earth do you love this man? He sounds absolutely awful and I cannot understand why you want to even consider getting back together with him. Cut ties and move on

Nope, wouldn't have this dirty, know it all, pervert anywhere near me, never mind my 13 year old daughter. I'd simply block the fucker without explanation.

His seeming loyalty to me despite my challenges having BPD. He says most men would’ve given up on me long ago especially as I left town and moved away but he still wants me back. He can be loving and caring.

You are worth so much more than this, OP.

Good grief he sounds disgusting. I've also got BPD and I can tell you you are not the problem here. Let him cut contact, he'd be doing you a favour. Why would even want to be with someone who does any of that?

Thank you. He’s made me almost feel guilty because he cried when I ended it and left town. He says I hurt him
deeply but he’s loyal and wants to give it another go but hopes my mental health improves

He's not mature.
You are vulnerable because of your BPD, and he is taking advantage.
You deserve more than scraps.

Block and delete his number. Block him on every means of contact. He is an awful person and the good traits you mention (if they are real) does not make him any better.

Initially he was offering to go to therapy together. Then he changed and said he’s not the problem, I am and I must get help because I can be evil and warped and toxic. Blames me for the issues

🚩 Massive red flags in your list of pros and cons.

I think he's asked you because getting together with an ex is easier than having to court a new woman. If you point out things that piss you off he can say that you know what he's like and not make an effort like he'd have to with a new gf. You are younger which is appealing physically and mental. You may accept his bullshit more easily than someone his own age.

If you get back with him you'll be his gf for now. He will continue flirting and looking for your replacement and keep on treating you poorly. If you want domesticated get a cleaner. Much less hassle than this oaf.

Because he says nobody else will tolerate me having BPD and be as patient as he is

He's a right old fucker. Tell him to fuck off and block him. How nice of him to put up with your BPD and you can live with him for a nominal rent!! He is taking the piss. You will be happier on your own. 🌺🌻🌷

He did say he never wants to get married. Maybe that’s because he knows he can’t commit and will replace me? Scary prospect. He said if I was child free I could move in for a nominal rent

I’ve always had gut feeling he’s not trustworthy as far as women go and he tells me I’m effed in the head and insecure from BPD

He sounds like an absolute prick

Just because he says something, it doesn't mean it's true. He's a horrible, horrible man who treats you appallingly. You can do so much better than him, despite what he says. He's taking full advantage of your vulnerabilities and playing on them. Please block him, your life is much better without him in it.