Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

Then why would he be trying so hard to get me back and convince me he loves me? Unless it’s a game to him

it is a game - he is playing you along seeing how much of his shitty behaviour you will take and taking advantage of your naivety.

he is not trying anything hard, he is telling you exactly what you want to hear to keep you hanging one. Bit like keeping a dog around he likes to kick.

Why would you want to be with someone who says things like this to you? No, he doesn’t love you, because nobody who loves someone would say such nasty things to them. He just likes the feeling of controlling you.

even if he does love you (and he doesn’t) he still says incredibly unpleasant things to you, devalues you, insults you and calls you abusive. Surely they negate any kind of “love” you think he might feel.

Then why would he be trying so hard to get me back and convince me he loves me? Unless it’s a game to him.

Of course it's a game. He likes the control. His ego is boosted by the fact that he can treat you badly but make you stay with him by convincing you that you can't do better.

Sorry to readers that I seem stupid and annoying. My head gets messed up easily. I’m average looking. Average IQ. This guy looks 10 years younger, handsome, charisma, confidence, money. He could easily get other women who are more attractive, mature, financially stable, intelligent. This is where I wonder does he really love me because he can easily find someone else.

I'm starting to think you are teasing us.

What does it matter whether he loves you?
He's a strip-club visiting, cheating cokehead.

Attractive, mature, financially stable, intelligent women wouldn't have him, because they tend not to settle for lying, cheating, misogynistic cokeheads.

If you left him, you could spend a year or 2 realising how attractive, mature, financially stable & intelligent you can be.

Or you could stay, degrading yourself with the delusion that you need a single thing from this arsehole, let alone his approval.

You are not going to be happy until you can learn to rely on yourself.
Get single, get therapy, get happy.

He could probably find someone else, but not someone with the requisite low standards.

He could easily get other women who are more attractive, mature, financially stable, intelligent.

er no he couldn’t because no self respecting women who are mature etc would put up with his bullshit, porn habit, abuse and cheating (he had 2 phones for his ‘ex girlfriends’).

You are just something to keep him amused in his spare time.

Lovely lady. I call you that because you are. Do you know that people with BPD are most susceptible to abusive relationships? This man is using your mental health against you. This is not a man who loves and cares for you.

It seems to me you have another narcissist in your life. I would suggest you read up on bpd and abusive relationships, narcissists and why does you do that. You can get a free pdf file of the last one if you google it.

He can basically sense he can use and abuse you. You have to somehow make yourself strong against horrible people like this who will you use you and hurt you.

I would really suggest some therapy and spend some time watching YouTube or articles on your condition and find out ways to spot these people and waya to help make your confidence better so you don't let another arsehole into your life like this one.

You deserve to be be loved properly and not given crumbs by a scum bag like this. Love yourself and treat yourself right in a learned way for bpd (I've had to do the same with my adhd by looking up loads of things amd educating myself) and life will improve for you when you live for you.

Sent the scumbag back to the gutter where he came from. You are worthy of treating yourself better.

Sorry why does he do that by lundy bancroft. It was a typo

Send*

Thank you for your encouragement. I see the bad sides even though he trivialises them and blames me. He can be absolutely charming and that side of it feels great and sucks me in. Every time he sensed I was thinking of breaking it off, he would be sickly sweet. This is the problem - because he can be great, my head tends to bury the red flags and live for the feel good moments believing he must genuinely love me and oh maybe he’s not a monster after all. If that makes sense?

starting to think this cant be real

OP, he gave you the best possible insight into his behavior and character when he told you that he "is not going to change."

Your choice is are you willing to accept him as he his. That is a decision that only you can make. The fact that you separated from him in the past suggests that you found it difficult to accommodate him as he is. What do you expect to be different this time around?

Remember that abusers are not horrible all of the time otherwise no one would bother with them would they?

That's why he is messing with your bpd. He is literally playing on your disorder. If that doesn't make him sick then what does?

You are so vulnerable to this stuff. Apparently adhd people are too. The fact you've written a post shows your alarm bells are ringing somewhere. It's hard to trust your gut when yoy have bpd but if you treat yourself right and think of the way you would treat yourself, you'll realise he is doing you no favours at all.

It works for him to keep you on the floor. It feeds his ego you see. That's what a narcissist lives for. Fodder to feed their ego. Cut off his supply from you.

Treat others yourself. Sorry my typing is awful today.

It's up to you whether you want to keep fooling yourself by refusing to accept facts & learn from them.

You will never be happy until you leave this man.

I won’t go back to him. If I have doubts plus every single comment has said NO - then I see that apart from being a mistake, I’m not this crazy over sensitive mentally challenged person that can be blamed for everything and gaslit into a negative relationship again

He can be absolutely charming and that side of it feels great and sucks me in.

so you have to realise that behaving like a decent person from time to time, when it suits him, does not make him a good person. it is a toxic charm which only gets turned on when it suits his purpose (e.g. to stop you leaving)

Ted Bundy the American serial rapist/killer was polite and charming which is how he got away for so long.

I’m not with him. I’m 1600km away. He keeps asking me to come back and that’s why I’ve asked advice - which is unanimous to stay where I am and sever ties with him

So stop obsessing about him & start your healing process.

Get therapy, read the resources PP have inked on your thread, start enjoying your life without an abusive wanker in it.

Sometimes due to his porn problem, talking to exes, having 2 phones etc - I’ve told him I think he’s got women on the side. This is an instance where he will go off at me and shout and swear because he says I’m being toxic accusing him and I’m showing disrespect.

Who fucking cares what he says, is he God? No, he’s a man old enough to be your father, he’s abusive, he thinks he gets to tell you how you should parent your own daughter but then also won’t have anything to do with her as he’s done his time as a parent (so he can’t even keep up with his own logic), he’s a sexual runt, unable to pleasure you, and he tells you you’re evil for leaving him, because of course women having any agency is awful for poor dickheads like him, because it means we don’t have to tolerate their bullshit. He probably cried because he just realised his plan to make you his carer whilst having you pay him rent, had just fallen through.

He is absolutely revolting. Please get some therapy, you deserve so much better.

Thank you for your reply.
I know I have BPD and it can make me needy and paranoid and suspicious. I often have accused him of having females on the side due to lack of desire for me and his porn viewing, comms with exes. He tells me that no man would tolerate the way I carry on and me not trusting him makes me the abusive one and it’s due to my mental health and I push him away.
But he berates me constantly as a couple of men asked me out when I was dating him and he keeps attacking me for it, yet it’s ok for him to chat to several exes.
Maybe I am too sensitive and should forget about men for a long time

He’s abusive and a horrible example to your dd. Run.

A couple of men asked you out? So much for no-one else would have you, then.

I can't see how them asking you out makes you a bad person, either. It's not as if you jumped into bed with them just because they asked. Even if you had, it's not taking anything away from this man, given he prefers porn to a live human body.

I'm so glad you've decided to stay away from him. He must have looked good in comparison with your previous ex, but that doesn't make him a good person, just not as up-front and obviously dreadful. The devil comes in many disguises.