Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

Divorced parents. Evil step parents. Step dad was a violent drunk. Ex husband of 16 years was narcissistic and walked out on me and the children for another woman. I have BPD

You seem to have such a low opinion of yourself that you count somebody grudgingly staying with you while telling you how to behave, insulting you and saying nobody else would have you as 'love and loyalty'. That's not love and loyalty, it's negging, manipulation and cruelty.

Hi Honey

Did you read the life expectancy in Britain has come so down.
Lucky if he has another 10 years. Sorry. He is 63 having a great time. You are in your 40's.

BPD does not define you. It is part of you not all of you. So he plays on your vulnerability and you should be grateful he "likes you".

So Young and waiting for him TO GIVE YOU A GOOD Time. / Approval?
Why are you not having a great time like him. PLEASE!

We are a long time dead. What do you want to do between being born and the end for you and your loved ones.

What have you achieved for yourself. Why are you waiting him to validate you?

Your daughter? Be there for her. We are a long time dead!

It has been hard because he can be Mr Wonderful and when he’s good he’s great and I’ve hung on for those times. When he’s engaging and caring and attentive which he was mainly in the beginning but then started changing and said it’s because of my BPD and the negative influences of people in my life.

It's not you It's him. How much longer are you going to carry on on this fucked up merry go round?

He’s Me Wonderful when he wants to be. He’s charming and affectionate and attentive. Very handsome. He started off amazing then the issues crept in but he says it’s my fault for the people in my life, my mental health and stupid decisions I make in life

It's not your fault. Why would you want to be with someone who messes with your head?

OP this is the classic cycle of abuse that plays out in EVERY controlling relationship:

Idealise / Devalue / Discard.

The cycle is addictive & you hang on in hopes of the good times returning.
You twist yourself into a preztel trying to find the set of approved behaviours that will magically restore the "good" times.

It is a delberate ploy to keep you psychologically hooked to him.

He then tells you that his awful behaviour is your fault - DARVO - another classic abuser's tactic - https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

You would be very worried about a friend enmeshed with a man like this.
You cannot allow your daughter to be exposed to his control & abuse.
Or yourself.
Stay away from him. Block him. Never communicate with him again.

Why do you love him?

You are worth more. Not making an effort with DD would be a deal breaker.

Thank you for your advice. My ex husband of 16 years was narcissistic. Maybe it’s a pattern like a moth to a flame.
This guy says it should be obvious his dedication and love as he’s been calling me regularly even though I left town over a year ago and he hasn’t given up on me.

He can be absolutely charming and he says he wants to guide me in life so I have a better life?

😂😂😂

Thats not dedication & love.
That's wanting a repayment on the 18 months he's spent grooming & training you to be his perfect live-in caretaker, housekeeper, source of income & provider of sexual services.

He'd much rather reel you back in than have to find another victim to start grooming.

Stay away from him, & do this -
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I will look at the freedom program thank you ❤️
He has plenty money though and independent and domesticated. Keeps
his home clean. Sadly not needing me for sex as gets his kicks from porn! Maybe just wants me because I’m so soft

Most abusers are, that’s how they get & keep their victims. It’s how they get away with it as well. It’s how Jimmy Saville got away with abusing children for years with a rough diamond but trying to help front.

and yet here you are knowing deep down this man is abusing you but seem to be unwilling to accept it. Bet nothing is ever his fault is it.

No. He blames it all on me because im
younger and naive and Little relationship experience. He will says things like ‘don’t blame me’ or ‘oh so you’re making me out to be a c**t are you’
or will remind me how I am the one with a mental disorder and he’s normal. He’s even gone so far as to say I am abusive when I’ve told him how some things upset me.

I'd only read a couple of the negative things about him and I was thinking 'why do you want this loser back??!'

Surely anything is better than being with him? He sounds vile.

Stop being ridiculous, it’s not that he’s abusive he doesn’t seem like he like you, your life or your mates.

let him be someone else’s problem

I think you must be a troll because nobody could interpret the things he says to you as loving in any way, and actually ask other people for their opinion when so clearly (if this is real) he's an utter a**ehole who is controlling and gaslighting you.
And to keep going and adding things he's said which are clearly only what a total manipulative d*ck would say, to keep the thread going and get sympathy votes...
Are you a troll?
I hope so.

Then why would he be trying so hard to get me back and convince me he loves me? Unless it’s a game to him

Please get some therapy.
I imagine you have had some before, due to your BPD? - please re-engage urgently.

You should not care WHY he wants you back.
Any more than you should care WHY a mugger who has just stolen your purse is now running after you for your watch.

Because the supply of self-flagellating idiots who would entertain him for five minutes is finite.

It is 100% a game to him. He doesn't love you. He just wants to see if he can get you back so he can continue this cycle of abuse because he sees it as a game. You're easy prey.

Stay away from this man. Everything he is saying is a lie.

Because you're his victim.

You're his narcissistic supply.
He gets a kick from messing with you.

Surely you can see none of him is necessary op?
What's wrong with just staying single? Join some hobby groups, make some friends.

Because quite frankly there’s not many women in their 40s who would give him 2mins of their time. You are the only one naive enough to!

Because you're so naive and inexperienced that you believe everything he says.