Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

this man is dreadful. Please dont be with him.

My ex husband is a narcissist. Maybe it’s my low esteem

There are enough threads on the site which surely are indicators of what you know you need to do. For goodness sake wake up and smell the coffee. You need to dump him.

if you believe on God, pray for help and guidance. Have a conversation with your God and ask for the support to get you through this. Prayer can be a massive help and can be calming too.

Good luck OP. We’re all telling you the same thing. Listen to that. Dump him asap.

OP if you really can’t see this dirty, manipulative old shit for what he is, you need a lot of work on your self esteem.

A near pensioner who can’t have a sexual relationship, whose personality is built around being abusive is the best you can do?

The only way you’d be lucky around this man, is to be well rid of him.

You state in your OP that you love him. Why? What is about him that you love because there is nothing that you have shared about him that sounds remotely loveable.

Also, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

This is the most common sentence of an abuser.

The more of your posts I read OP the more awful he sounds. He is vile.

If you ever find yourself using the words 'is he abusive?' then they are never worth another try.

They don't have to actually BE abusive, but the very fact that you are wondering if they are, means you should avoid them like the plague.

Relationships are supposed to be as easy as breathing. Not a dramatic, depressing shitshow. If the person makes your life worse instead of better, stay single!

And, block this guy already.

Me too. Don't get back with him. He sounds awful.

He sounds horrific- think you will be much happier without him.

Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? No. Many men cannot handle been single, right now, in his eyes, you are better than nothing. And you deserve so much better than this. A pet would be better than this man. The fact he wants to charge you a nominal rent if you move in says it all. Do not confuse his fragile ego for love or loyalty.

so many reasons to run, leave him to his sad ways & porn habit. I would not normally encourage ghosting but in this case 💯 deserved.

Telling you no one else will have you/ put up with your issues is a classic abusers line. I have health issues and my narc ex said the same. Guess what- it wasn't true as I left him years ago and have had several relationships since.

They say that to appeal to your insecurity and make you scared to leave. Don't believe him. Being single is better than a life with him!

What would your God say about your boyfriend's porn habit?

I feel sick reading what he's like. And even more, because you're questionning whether it's you that's part of the problem.

Believe us - this man is a classic abuser, extra strenght.

A man who loves you, loves who you are. They don't want you to change. They are proud of who you are. They support you. They build you up, compliment you, respect you as their equal. They want you to be happy.

This man you describe is opposite of all those things. It really, really worries me that your daugher is seeing you accepting his vile, abusive actions. She will think it's OK for a man to treat her like that. Please please please, for yourself and for your daughter, block this man and never look back.

He will damage you, he will damage her, he could well damage your relationship with her. He doesn't love you. He just wants someone to control.

Just because he says something, it doesn't mean it's true. In fact, you can assume he says things for his own advantage, to improve his power and ability to contro. When he cried when you finished things?... that was him shocked that he'd not got total power over you, shocked that you have a mind of your own, and manipluating you in to staying.

Think of all the lies he's told, the promises that came to nothing, the cruel words.... why would you want to spend 5 minutes with this monster (and why would you want your daughter to spend 5 minutes with this monster????) let alone date him??

Stopped reading because I'd read enough to know he's vile.

Stop. Right now.

Op I got as far as 2 personal phones.

More red flags than Moscow run for the hills!

He uses porn every day. On that alone ditch this sorry looser

Fuck no!

Me searching for what’s remotely attractive about this man

don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn

Why would you allow him another second if your time?

Every single person on this thread has said that he's a horrible, manipulative individual, yet you are STILL making excuses for him. There are no excuses for the way he treats you. Listen to EVERYONE on this thread and bin him off as quickly as you possibly can.

Abusive. The fact you even have to list “good with animals” to make up for all the shit is horrifying.

He clearly has several girlfriends on the go and you’re just there to fill in the gaps.

Leave him for good and find happiness

He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent.

Can't you see that he is lining you up to be his unpaid housekeeper/carer/skivvy?

Op, I have a terrible track record for getting into bad relationships. Between the ages of 19 and 55, I had spent a total of five days single. A small fraction of those years were happy ones. Now I am single and the freedom and relief is overwhelming. I know a good relationship is a fabulous thing. But a bad relationship is so much worse than being alone. He is making you weaker, not stronger. You and your dd will be so much better off without him.

He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

I don't understand how you are even in contact with this arsehole, let alone considering awarding him an opportunity to blight your life again.

He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact.

Problem solved.
You need to be no contact with this misogynistic idiot.

I’m honestly not sure what to do.

How can you possibly be unsure?
What happened to you in your early life to leave you so totaly lacking in self-worth & boundaries?