Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

Anyone who says 'nobody else will tolerate you' because of XYZ, is a manipulative arsehole. Please, @Tails79 , how many posters have to say this before you listen? You asked MN the question 'is he abusive', the answer you're getting back is a resounding 'yes'. You don't need him in your life - stay split up!

Even if he weren't lacing his tears with 'it's your fault', it would be better to stay apart. It doesn't sound like he's good for you.

Yes already I can see everyone is unanimous he’s abusive. I guess because of the BPD and his repetitive comments, I take the blame for problems and unfortunately focus on the good times and almost make them negate the bad times

This is classic abuse. You can be happy and thrive without this kind of manipulative dickhead putting ideas in your head. Awful behaviour.

He is a liar as well as a prick

Yes of course he does, because he wants to play on your low self esteem and have you believe that he’s as good as you’re ever going to get and that you need to settle for him, no matter how much shit he throws your way. He wants you to believe he’s some prize and that you need to jump through hoops to keep him.

It’s textbook. He knows full well you can get better, which is why he’s so invested in reinforcing your belief that you won’t. ‘Getting better’, btw, applies not just to finding a better man, but also to being single, because being single is far and away superior to being stuck in a bad relationship with a piece of shit partner.

You don’t need him, and in fact being with him means being constantly ground down and remaining stuck in a place of insecurity and low self esteem.

oh, and when you don’t respond to his threats of walking away don’t think that he will in fact walk away. In all likelihood he’ll turn on the charm offensive for as long as it will take to get you back under his control.

He even cried when I ended it

Yes well he has been offering me weekends away and cruises etcetera and in all the time I’ve known him he doesn’t wine and dine, no gifts, nothing thoughtful or spontaneous so the expensive get away offers surprise me. He says I’m the cruel evil one for leaving town and hurting him

He says most men would’ve given up on me long ago

This is classic abuse and called negging - "Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval. The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists"

He is awful, send this one back.

I don’t think everyone that cries when a relationship ends is manipulative, but given what you’ve said about him, I absolutely would put money on him doing that in order to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, and into believing that you’re the bad guy that’s wronged him.

I often felt paranoid he was cheating or capable of it and he’s said that the accusation and lack of trust would push anyone away so I’m lucky he’s stuck around

Absolutely sounds awful and crying when you break up is not a sign of anything at all and doesn’t mean he’s a good man or loves you. Please don’t get back with this man.

HE is the one lucky to be considered by someone almost 20 years his junior!!

But he IS abusive and you mustn’t rekindle this.

Find someone lovely.

I think if you relented the offer of a cruise would disappear as quickly as it was mentioned.

He is disgusting though and that won't change

….and there it is. He’s trying to tempt you back with grand promises and simultaneously playing to your belief that you’re the one at fault that needs to make amends.

My ex husband would say similar things all the time
he ended up leaving for another woman

He did say I’m the wrong one because I left. And maybe he cried because it reminded him when his wife left him and took the kids with?

He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn.This alone would be enough for me to call it a day. As for the rest..... ugh.

No he cried because you took control and crying was his last chance at making you change your mind

Do you not wonder why, if you’re so awful and unloveable, he is sticking around and trying so hard to get you back?

if you genuinely believe that someone is those things, then you wouldn’t, would you?

He's a manipulative arsehole with zero redeeming qualities. I have no doubt your life (and mental health) will be immeasurably better without him.

When I was dating him he would suggest a trip overseas and other places but it never happened. I think it’s hot air. He did say if we dated again I must not repeat the same mistakes I made before - I need to change

I asked him this and he said “you have potential “

Just block him. He’s an abusive loser and not worth your mental energy, effort, or time.

Said it’s easier at his age??

This is an abusive man who knows exactly which buttons to press to get you questioning yourself. Decline his suggestion and hope that he never actually contacts you again. The fact that he knows exactly how to manipulate you makes him very dangerous. Run for the hills. this is not a loving or good man.

I am so shocked you cannot see how abusive this is....
Why would you even consider staying?