Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

Loyal?
😂😂😂

He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn.

He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.

Can you explain what part of this sleazy pervedom represents loyalty OP?

with all due respect op, does this vile specimen bring anything positive to your life? and im another who is very shocked that you seem blind to how abusive this man is. You need to work on your self and stay away from this man, hes beyond vile.

Not sure about abusive, but he's certainly not relationship material (and he seems quite open and honest about that in the way the he's keeping you at arms length). He just wants a Fwb.

You're completely incompatible, that much is obvious.

Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long?

He's right about one thing, you are naive.

he’s loyal

Seriously, what or who is he loyal to when using porn?

For the record, he says he is loyal. So not the same as showing his loyalty.

Can you think of a single example when he has been loyal to you?

A cat would treat you with more respect & loyalty than this man. Do yourself and your dd a favour & ditch him now.

You can do so much better….just believe in yourself. he is not loyal - he gives porn & his ex girlfriends more attention than he does you. He is the root cause of most of your problems.

I have BPD and I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER date an older man because of those reasons you've outlined above also because I watched a very close friend (were in our 30's) solely date men older than her by 15 to 20 years and the results where shocking.
1 of them wanted to kill her and her daughter another actually killed her son and the last one was a child molester and another was as abusive as they come they where all in their 40s she was in her 20s at the time she's now happily married to a man who's only 3 years older than us. So that alone has made it very clear cut to me to stay away from older men.
My partners younger than me by 11 months.

Dump. I would have said that about the porn before I read any further

He meant 'you have potential to be my stay at home abuse outlet'.

He cried to manipulate you. It's quite a lot of effort to find a woman with such a low self esteem who would put up with his level of shit, he only cried because he'll have to start auditioning for a new victim.

He is VILE and you must NOT go back to him.

Do the Freedom Programme, rebuild your self-esteem. Being alone is better than being someone else's pet victim.

I didn't want to read past the rejection of you for porn self gratification. That's a big no. He doesn't care about you. His actions say more than his words ever would. The rest of your post does show that he is capable of being abusive.

You deserve a loving and fulfilling parter. He is not that. Women's Aid can help you to identify behaviours which are unacceptable and help you with building boundaries.

Ffs don't have a man who wants over women as if they were objects anywhere near your daughter. He sounds like a dirty perve, urgh 🤢🤢🤢🤮

Jeez Op.

He's looking for a carer in his dotage. I'm a couple of years older than him none of my friends of my age act like him, and none of what he is telling you is true.

He's manipulating you because he knows/senses you're vulnerable.

Please get away from him asap. Any more time waste don him you'll leave yourself open to more and more abuse.

Did I say get away?

Of course he would say this.
It's a classic line from manipulative men.
He might have his good points, but he doesn't seem to show you much respect or basic kindness.
You're accepting crumbs if you go back. A man like this will not help your mental health as it suits him better to have you vulnerable and needy.

Never trust anyone who says “No one else would have you”.

A simple rule, but true.

They only say that because no fucker would have them and they need you to think they are your only choice.

Is this a joke? Read your post through again and imagine a friend had sent it to you. You'd tell her to run for the hills!!

He's an abusive pos. Get the hell away from him

He even cried when I ended it.

Good. He deserves it. He sounds like an utter, utter arsehole. It's very sad that you even had to question whether this man is worth another chance.

He's done a survey of 'most men' has he? Such arrogance!
OP he's messing with your head. Pulling down your confidence in a bid to control you. He's manipulative and self-centred. Get rid of him. You can do so much better!

He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals.

None of the above qualities impact or involve YOU and your relationship with him. If anything, they only emphasise the horrible comparison with how shoddily he treats you.

Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long.

WHAT????? He hasn't shown you any love or loyalty!!! He has no care and commitment to you whatever; he only wants sex. You're probably one of a string of women he casually uses and abuses.

WTF? You must not repeat the mistakes you made? So he's perfect is he? Oh Op please dump this pos.

Op

I'll put this bluntly

He's picked up where your ex husband left off
Keep him away from your daughter and yourself 😔

Does anyone else get the impression that this creep is looking for a subservient housekeeper/nurse to care for him in his old age? The tears when you left, OP, were for himself having pushed your 'training' too far too fast. And having your teen daughter around to witness his manipulation is a very bad idea.
You have the strength to keep away for both you and your daughter's sakes. Deep breath, shoulders back, and block this dirty old man in every way !!!

I must confess I only read a bit of your post.it was enough for me to think,absolutely not. U deserve better. U deserve peace.

I’m not excusing his behaviour. I’m explaining why I tolerated it.