Is He Abusive or Worth Another Chance

[Tails79]

Hi All
I’m a long time single mother. My son is adult, living away. My daughter is 13. In all my years divorced I’ve only fallen in love with one man. He’s significantly older and a granddad already. I’m in my 40’s.

We were seeing each other for 1.5 years. Not easy between me working fulltime and being a mother and his job takes him away a bit. He doesn’t want to live together as says he’s too old and had his time raising kids. He’s 63. I don’t need a stepdad for her. I wish he would try engage with her though and make a bit of an effort. I broke it off almost 13 months ago and we’ve been talking but not spending time together. He’s constantly asking me to be his girlfriend again.

I do love him still but not sure what to do. My daughter doesn’t care if I date him but there’s several issues and I don’t know if I’m being immature:-
He pushed me aside sexually in favour of self gratification to porn. My needs were not met. He didn’t care. I told him it hurts my feelings and he told me not to try change him. He’s not going to stop looking at porn daily
He doesn’t apologise. He blames me for all arguments. Especially as I’m younger, so he says I have less life experience. If he’s angry he will go silent for couple days, tells me to shut the F up or F off
When I explain my feelings to him he just trivialises it saying I’m too intense and being immature and drama Queen.

He talks to ex girlfriends and has 2 phones which are both personal. I get suspicious and he says I’m too paranoid and must grow up.
He gets mad when I help anyone out whether it’s my time or finances.

He dislikes most of my friends.
He mocks me for believing in God.
He tells me how to parent my daughter. He says he’s just trying to help me and guide me because I’m naive.
He says one day when my daughters grown up I can move in with him - for a nominal rent. He owns his house, financially comfortable. Not sure why I’d have to pay rent? But if I’ve ever been short of money he’s offered to loan me some.

He’s told me 3 times I look like his ex wife.

Despite the above, he can be affectionate and caring. He’s a hard worker. Has a good relationship with his adult children. He’s mature, independent and intelligent. Very tidy and organised. Domesticated. Great with his animals. He says if I don’t make a decision soon about getting back with him, he will cut contact. I’m honestly not sure what to do.
Surely it’s a sign of love and loyalty to still want me after so long? FYI: I have BPD so things are not clear cut for me and he says I’m the one causing problems and lucky to have him because I have mental health issues

Well then, if you’re sooo terrible, he won’t want to be with you anymore, except he does, because he knows you aren’t evil.

Hes a thick fuck that can’t even be constant with his backwards logic. Im furious that he’s made you think you’re the wrong one here. Please do look into therapy to help you build your self esteem.

Even though he’s split from his wife 20 years ago, I think he still loves her. He tells me what a bad parent I am but what a good job she did raising their kids. He even once showed me a photo of her in her bikini post having 3 children and sporting a lovely figure. He already knew by then I am insecure about my body. There’s just double standards of what he can say and do that I cannot say and do but he always reminds me how he’s had a lot more relationship experience than me and I’m the naive one

I’ve asked him why he still wants me when all he seems to say are negatives, making me feel like I’m a burden and inferior. He says he sees potential in me and hopes I won’t repeat my past mistakes and will improve, not be so serious, get self help books for my BPD and trust him and respect him.

He made sexual advances on me very early into knowing him even though I told him I didn’t want to rush into anything. From our first date he was hinting. Then after he gets it, suddenly he grew cold and blamed his age but was on Tinder when I first met him where people often hook up. He’s always been that way blowing hot and cold. Very affectionate one day then offish the next. When I don’t know where I stand, it makes my head spin and I react, then get yelled at because I’m too intense

Let's change this around to something very basic. Would you treat yourself or anyone else in the way he treats you? Of course you wouldn't, because you're not a nasty, abusive cunt. I never use that word lightly.

He sees you as someone vulnerable who he can control and Lord it over. Dispel him of that idea by blocking him and taking care of yourself. You're so much better than he says you are.

I’ve actually read things on other forums to other people saying that people with BPD should not date. It’s selfish if we date because we are so hard to deal with and should stay single. Honestly, yes, I’m needy. I feel paranoid easily and like to have validation and reassurance. I do get worried often that there might be other women on the scene. This can be tiring. However he says nothing to boost my confidence - nothing nice about my looks, body or personality. He favours porn over me. He talks to exes and friends with benefits. He sees sexy women on tv and says “oh yes please” but barely wants to touch me. Sometimes I could barely get a hug and kiss from him. There’s triggers like these that will make me seek reassurance and nag and be emotional and suspicious. But I’ve never sworn and shouted and been abusive. I tend to end up in tears then get told I act like a teenager.

Anyone would feel pretty sidelined with comments like that! He’s treating you with complete disrespect and gaslighting you that it’s your problem because you have BPD. I’m not against being friends with exes but it sounds like this isn’t what he’s doing, he’s chatting in secret to women in a suggestive manner despite knowing that’s out of order.

Yes, people with BPD can find relationships very difficult - I know, I’m one of them. But we’re also drawn to unsuitable, unavailable people who don’t care about us because that’s familiar. BPD has a fear of abandonment at its core because we were abandoned emotionally by early caregivers so we subconsciously repeat those patterns. I think you’d find if you dated someone who treated you with respect it wouldn’t trigger your BPD.

But even more important than thinking about future relationships is THERAPY. Horrible men are ten a penny but it’s your responsibility to invest in yourself, strengthen your boundaries, know your triggers and know what you deserve and expect in a relationship so you can avoid people like this guy.

I’m in a wonderful relationship now - I had three years of intense talking therapy to work out why all my relationships were so toxic and I was drawn to emotionally unavailable people and unpick the faulty thought processes BPD gives you. I assert my needs and I walked away after one date at the hint of a red flag. I have never, ever in the 1.5 years we’ve been dating felt triggered or insecure because my partner shows and tells me he loves and respects me, as I do him. That is the bare minimum anyone should expect in a relationship and you’ll never get it with this loser. Be single, work on yourself.

I’ve actually read things on other forums to other people saying that people with BPD should not date. It’s selfish if we date because we are so hard to deal with and should stay single. Honestly, yes, I’m needy. I feel paranoid easily and like to have validation and reassurance. I do get worried often that there might be other women on the scene. This can be tiring. However he says nothing to boost my confidence - nothing nice about my looks, body or personality. He favours porn over me. He talks to exes and friends with benefits. He sees sexy women on tv and says “oh yes please” but barely wants to touch me. Sometimes I could barely get a hug and kiss from him. There’s triggers like these that will make me seek reassurance and nag and be emotional and suspicious. But I’ve never sworn and shouted and been abusive. I tend to end up in tears then get told I act like a teenager. He called me a cunt because I got upset about his porn use. I don’t mind him watching it but when he then turns me down, it really hurts.

Maybe I am too sensitive and should forget about men for a long time

I think this is probably the best way forward. As you don't live near each other (1600KM) it should be easy enough to drop this pathetic excuse of a porn loving man and just give your self some head space. He is bringing nothing to the table to enhance your life and you will be so much better off without him.

Just block and run and never contact him again and get some thearpy.

This is reassuring that it IS possible for a borderliner to have a happy successful relationship. Yes, my childhood was very unhappy. I married my first serious boyfriend and was with him 16 years until he left for another woman and her kids.
I would love to know what your therapy consisted of because I know I desperately need it but am on low income.
I have been purely friends with other men before who would be trustworthy and decent but I’ve had no chemistry with them

In the beginning he was amazing. I’d visit and he would talk and listen and no nasty comments. He acted supportive of my BPD. He would sit next to me and be affectionate and engaging and say reassuring things, text me every day and call. Be excited when I visited. But that was short lived and I spent the whole time trying to get it back to that magical beginning. Because after that all the issues came in but by bit. At first he blamed my daughter because she was upset I had a boyfriend. Then he blamed my best friend because he hates her. Then it was he didn’t like me going to church. Then it’s his long work hours. My BPD. Always something that is the cause of his moods.

I am really not sure why women accept such low low disgusting bars wtih men and not even any dick out of this one to put it bluntly. Wtf does he actually do for your life? nothing. He sounds absolutely rotten and old and a pig. Why is your self-esteem so low that you would rather be with this loser than just be happy by yourself, or potentially find someone who is erm actually nice? Jeeezus!

Do you equate chemistry with a relationship being a rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows, and find the “challenge” of this exciting and enticing on some level? I used to think that. It’s unhealthy. That’s not how relationships feel.

Now obviously you won’t fancy every nice man you meet but a lack of drama does not indicate a lack of chemistry. It took me a while to wrap my head around this but a healthy relationship feels calm and stable.

A lot of the time he is great. Normal. Engaging. Seemingly caring. The qualities a person is attracted to. But when he’s nasty and it’s upset me, he says it’s because of my behaviour because of having mental health issues. He calls me the abusive one. I’ve never shouted or sworn at him or name called. I’ve expressed concern when it seemed he was distant or withholding affection, or overusing porn, wanting to have lunch with an ex girlfriend. I didn’t think I was acting psycho for addressing my concerns but apparently I’m the villain because I’m too intense and have trust issues

Why are you wasting your time and life on this filthy old grandaddy who's a bully and a Psycho?

Probably because I have low confidence and I have BPD and he has almost convinced me that I’m a drama Queen and his behaviours are normal or things are my fault. He can be very nice and that confuses me too

I guess, because I have low confidence due to having BPD, but also him repeatedly making it to be my fault because of my mental health
Also, as I have already commented, he can be absolutely lovely, and then I overlook the negatives and start rationalising everything. For example, at the moment, apart from offering to help me move back, he’s also wanting to pay to take me on a holiday and he’s acting very nice, but I don’t know if that is just to try and win me back