Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

You need to take it back to basics before we were civilised. Marriage and faithfulness are man made constraints. Humans aren't meant to only be with one sexual partner for life. We put that pressure on ourselves and now we have a society filled with unhappy marriages with people trapped and feeling unable to leave because society tells us we are meant to be faithful and work on it.

More common than I expected.

My ex-husband had an affair.
My ex-father in law had an affair.
My brother has had several.
My current sister in law has had an affair.
My best friend had an affair.
My brothers ex-wife had an affair.
Another friends partner had an affair (several times: he left his wife for my friend, and then 6 years later left my friend for his new affair partner).

And that's just what I know of, I'm sure they are more behind closed doors.

So, personally, I'd be inclined to believe your boyfriend that affairs are rife. Not everyone, but a lot of them.

Thank you...part of me wondered why he told me but I think he just wanted to be honest. The only thing I would say is that I might well have guessed because he able to compartmentalise his life in a way I can't.

Who's got the time, money, energy, organisational skills?

As the famous Milan Kundera quaintly put it.....
"Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman)."

Those having affairs do so for a variety of reasons, the least being as an exit affair. A lifetime of fidelity and sexual exclusivity to only one person is just not possible sadly with all the temptations and opportunities modern society presents us with.

It is well documented that the majority having affairs when interviewed stated they felt their marriage was generally happy and that they had no intention of ending it if their spouse didn't discover it. So basically the affair was merely a side dish with another, usually of low self esteem and morals or due to a sense of entitlement. The saying "men always trade down for their affair partner" seems to hold water.

I couldn't be arsed with having to shag two men !

I do think they are more common than we realise. Both my inlaws have, one of my parents (possibly both) my own husband once.

Although no expert, I agree the affair doesn't seem to be an exit strategy but it does seem to make some men realise how unhappy they are in their marriage...but not all.

Not sure that I agree it's trading down...

Both of my parents had affairs with my mum leaving my dad for her AP.
My ex husband and prior to him ex boyfriend both cheated on me.
None of my friends have had affairs or been affair partners.

I believe various research concludes that around 60% of people admit to having been unfaithful at least once in their lives. Although that doesn’t separate those who have one-offs and those who have affairs lasting months or years, nor does it say anything about whether most people who cheat do so only once or do so repeatedly.

The older I get (and, to be honest, the he more of MN I read) the more I find affairs understandable. There seem to be so many people living in miserable, sexless relationships with what appears to be an unspoken agreement that they’re together for the children and because neither party likes the financial implications of separating. I don’t think it’s particularly surprising in those circumstances when one party cracks and falls in love with somebody else or seeks sex and affection elsewhere.

But my question is, how common are affairs?

Years ago, it used to be normal to be faithful. Nowadays, it's normal to be unfaithful. So affairs very common now yes. It's the main reason i'm still single 5 years after a relationship breakdown. I'm not ever gonna share a lover with anybody i'd rather be on my own.

I don't know how common affairs are but I do know about Leopards and spots OP

I don’t think it’s ever been “normal” to be faithful. It’s been socially conditioned - often with force - into women that they should be faithful; monogamy has rarely been expected of men, for whom the idea of having mistresses, courtesans or visiting prostitutes has been anything from expected to accepted to assumed in virtually all cultures and societies across the ages. Men being expected to remain monogamous is a very recent (and very Western) development.

Less common than I was led to believe. I don't actually know of any affairs or even cheating among my circle of friends in LTRs and marriages (it seemed much more common in my 20s, when everyone was more immature and in cases where the relationship was never going to last anyway). There's still time, I guess people's 40s are more the divorce years? But literally all the late 30s/early 40s couples I know (including me) seem v boringly content.

I do think it’s more prevalent in some circles than others. I used to work closely with a sales team years ago and affairs were rife. I now work in the public sector and although not unheard of they appear to be less common - and more likely to centre around men in senior roles having multiple indiscretions.

Do any of you follow Paul C Brunson, he's from Married at First Sight.. he reckons 80% of women fall in love with their affair partner and that when women have affairs it actually results in them being better at partner selection.. interesting stuff. Also not sure about men trading down... despite the morality around affairs it seems unreasonable to say that every man that has affairs chooses someone of a lesser standard than their current wife/partner.. isn't everyone on the planet meant to have something to offer and be special in their own way. Its sounds like something some wronged wives came up with

I’d say more common and ACCEPTED than MN wants you to believe.

My dad had an affair. My mum created a story in her head that made the OW a witch that had caught my dad and he couldn’t possibly easily escape from…
A very close friend had - which led her to find the courage to leave her physically and emotionally abusive marriage.
Many other people in my circle.

From what I have heard it seems to be men with money who have the ability to book hotels, wine and dine etc. The profile that you mention seems to fit.

It is common. Stems from boredom and opportunity, dp rarely wants sex, lights off missionary etc.

I don't know how common affairs are but I do know about Leopards and spots OP
This.

He has a group of male friends... he tells me that most have had affairs too.
Shit attracts flies.

Thank you. I suppose it also depends on an affair or an extra relationship in the marriage. I think some men describe it as a relationship.

This

He's told you who he is. Believe him.

I fear this thread normalises betrayal.

My beloved DH has just died. We were together since I was 19 and he was 21. He was extraordinarily good looking. Neither of us had an affair in the 47 years we were together.

I reckon affairs probably more common than you think, there are many reasons for affairs, and it doesn't necessarily make those involved bad people. If you're running off to an AP for a quick shag, then back home to do the same with your partner, I just do not get that at all - you're cheating on both of them. I find that kind of thing inexcusable. But if you're stuck in a loveless home and someone 'rescues' you for want of a better word, it's hard not to take that chance. I'm in that situation and am by no means a scarlet woman. If someone like me is involved in this kind of thing, a lot of people must be.

It depends on the circles you move in, and the friends you have. In my circles I'm as certain as I can be that very few have had affairs.

There's a big difference between – on the one hand – being faithful, being polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous, or being in an open marriage, and – on the other hand – having an affair. The difference is honesty and consent.

An affair may have 'understandable' reasons behind it, but it involves secrecy and betrayal. It involves crossing a threshold; an affair says a lot about how you view your partner.

Your BF may be educated, successful and attractive, but he's also somebody with a track record of secrecy and betrayal, with a group of friends who think this is normal.

Interesting that he doesn't seem to think this is a problem.

He could have ended the marriage and copatebted his kids to the absolute best of his ability.

I'd guess he preferred not to have to bother his ass coparenting and having to look after his kids on his own while they were young;, so he used his ex wife, cheated and waited til they were relatively grown up to leave.

It was not an honest solution, a solution for someone with integrity.

Tells you who he is.

Also, birds of a feather flock together.