Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

I think as a society we need to talk about this more. The hush hush aspect of it causes more problems. There needs to be more dialogue about consensual non monogamy and people need to be willing to open their eyes to the fact that life isn't black or white. This vitriol hatred of the 'ultimate' betrayal needs addressing. Human beings are complex and many a good relationship has been thrown to the gutter over an affair when it could probably have survived. I do think some of the views here are outdated.

Yes, very common. I hold my hands up to having had affairs, as did my husband at the time, both lots of parents and numerous friends and colleagues. Surely this goes to show that we really aren't meant to just stay with one person? Having said that, I'm sure there are lots of content people who don't really care about sex and are happy with their lot, so don't seek elsewhere.
I also think it's easier to find affair partners now since the internet.
I'd never get married again as the pain is dreadful of finding out about affairs is dreadful....... and I'm one of the philanderers !

Absolutely. The 'trading down' thing is an utter myth and tends to be spouted to make wronged wives feel better about themselves.

I have had an affair and I am the last person you would suspect so I think it is probably much more common than people think

I had one, as did my now bf. We both left our marriages but neither of us ended up with our APs... Although think his wanted a relationship.

I know friends who are also cheating

But I wouldn't cheat now, I'd leave my relationship but its easier when you aren't married with kids

Perhaps all the women who got cheated on thought the way you did about their partners.
Blind spot.

I'm definitely in the minority here but none of my friends or family have had an affair.

I know friends of friends who have but it's not common in my social group.

I agree with this and that's something I never thought I'd say after my ex left me for somebody else. I thought I'd never recover from the pain of it and it's fair to say I am deeply scarred. However, with the passage of time, I can see that it was a good thing for me and quite honestly they are far better suited (they are both actually awful people and can now wallow in their own shit as far as I'm concerned). He was a rubbish husband and father and I've created a much happier and more settled life without him. Our marriage was going through a really rough patch at the time as we had a disabled toddler and it was hard. I can see why his head was turned. It is what it is. I would have preferred that he expressed his unhappiness rather than treating me the way he did but there you go!

I also have a friend who has been unhappily married for a very long time, many years in fact, in a sexless marriage, they sleep apart. He is afraid of upsetting family, he's afraid of what people would think if he left her. They live in a small place where everybody knows everybody. They are both clearly miserable but lack the courage to end it. It's sad as they are both ripe for an affair and as there are no children to consider, I wish they'd do themselves a favour and split up. In that case I'd not judge either of them for having an affair, but I do judge them for wasting their lives with somebody they don't love 🤷🏻‍♀️

Crikey. These are men in their mid 50s... It's pure speculation. Honestly, I have had three relationships where my partner/boyfriend cheated, none. gave me the heads up.

Cheating still happens to those in non-monogamous relationships though. It’s often not about freedom to shag others. It’s about wanting what you can’t have, grass being greener on the other side, forbidden fruit and having your cake and eating it.

The moment something or someone becomes consensual it becomes a lot, lot less tempting.

That you know of.

Also to add: the reason it’s difficult to fix a relationship after an affair is less to do with the fact they got physical with someone else as it is the lies and deceit they had to employ to carry it out.

Relationships are built on trust and respect - they have to be, as this is a person you have to be your most vulnerable with and who you’re looking to catch you when you stumble or fall. Once someone shows you that a) they are willing to deceive you for non-altruistic reasons and b) don’t respect you since they’re playing you for a fool then it’s very, very hard to get that back. Actions speak louder than words to the human brain. Saying “it won’t happen again” isn’t enough. For those cheated on it’s usually easier to junk the whole thing, learn from it and start again.

I agree but I think just as many affairs don't get discovered than do. Maybe even more. From what I see most are ended before they're discovered.

I doubt people were more faithful years ago than they are now. I suspect that there were still plenty of affairs going on. Just that they were kept more hidden and a blind eye was taken more often.

Agreed, if anything it's easier now to be found out than it's ever been. It's also probably easier to have an affair than ever before as well.

The Internet will have opened up many new paths. A lot of people won't consider sexy online messages to be cheating (if they're the ones doing it).

Anyone remember this?

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2008/nov/13/second-life-divorce

Or a risk assessment ?.

The thing is, even if monogamy isn't natural, neither is driving a car, or wearing clothes, or not hitting your boss over the head with a club when he takes the last sandwich from the fridge (to some extent). If you willingly enter into a relationship that you agree with your partner will be monogamous, then the onus is on you to stick to that 'contract', or whatever you want to call it, in the same way you (probably) pay tax and get car insurance. Pulling the 'ooh it's my human nature, I can't help it' when you've accidentally forgotten you promised to be faithful, is as ridiculous as claiming it's your human nature to commit tax fraud. I'm not naive and I know infidelity will always happen - it's the privileging of it into some irresistible atavistic drive rather than a flawed behaviour it is possible to resist, that annoys me.

Obviously if you and your partner agree to having a non-monogamous relationship, this doesn't apply.

Do you mean they've weighed it up in their head and decided it's better for them to have an affair than to end their current relationship before starting another one?

I suspect some personalities are more likely to have affairs than others and those personalities congregate in certain careers where the opportunities for bad behaviour are frequent. Those with a 'work hard, play hard' culture like police, medicine, politics, law.

Of my parent's generation I know of a cousin whose DH had multiple affairs but they stayed married (probably because of financial reasons) and only one or two marriages that broke down because of an affair. I grew up in a small close knit community so keeping an affair quiet is hard and it's an old fashioned place.

Of my friends there's only one relationship that I know has broken down because of an affair, it was a very young marriage and she has lived with the OM for over 20 years now. Otherwise the majority of people are still married to their first spouse (we're in our 50s) and seem happy.

At work I know of 3 affairs that happened at work during my career at various places and 2 other people that are known to get inappropriate at work events. But they general opinion of this behaviour is very negative and 99% of people I work with do not behave in a way that would suggest they are up for an affair. People have clear boundaries and there's very little after work socialising or drunkenness at work events. I'm sure there's more affairs than I know about but it's still got to be a minority behaviour because of the social disapproval.

I'm not naive and I know infidelity will always happen - it's the privileging of it into some irresistible atavistic drive rather than a flawed behaviour it is possible to resist, that annoys me

I mostly agree with this. It’s also human nature to want stuff without having to work hard for it, but we don’t excuse thieving as ‘just natural human behaviour, can’t be helped!’

Having an affair is a choice, like any other.

My friends and I are in our early 40s, all at the stage in life of having primary aged children. I feel very confident none of them are having an affair and I know I never would.

No idea about husbands though. I'd like to think not...but since reading Mumsnet threads where there's always another woman, or multiple suggestions of one, I really doubt my judgement.

Very interesting thread. My Mum (I believe) had a few affairs but stayed with my Dad, she moreorless admitted this to me once after my Dad had died saying that she was never very happy in their marriage but it wasn't the done thing to leave in the 1970s.

My exhusband had an affair, well, lead a double life to be correct, for 5 years, I didn't have a clue, he had a child that I had no idea about. He has been happily married to the woman he had the affair with for nearly 20 years now.

My best friend had numerous affairs which I berated her about until, after finding out about my ex-husband and, being single again, had an affair with a married man. My self-esteem was such that I grabbed the first sign of affection offered to me, yes, it was very wrong, but my headspace at the time couldn't see that. I ended the relationship, she found out about us, he offered to leave his wife, I declined and, to my knowledge they are still together.

My long term partner had an affair for a year before I found out. They are still together.

A friend of mine in her 70s has had countless affairs and is in an unhappy marriage but will not leave her husband because of her loss of financial security.

Another friend had an affair whilst she and her now husband were married. They have been happily married for many years now and are happier than they ever were in their previous marriages.

You cannot make a sweeping statement that 'leopards don't change their spots' as each circumstance of an affair is difference.

I am not stating that having an affair is right but, sadly, things happen in life and, if only it was as simple as people thinking, I am not happy with my current partner therefore I will leave (and deal with the fall out/children/financial mess) and start again. From my experience, a lot of people just stumble upon that other person that makes them happier.

Hmmmm
I’d be very wary here

”there is no intimacy” = often code for “I dump all parenting and household stuff on the wife, she’s exhausted and feels like an unvalued servant - who, shockingly, doesn’t want to have sex with me” (no intimacy doesn’t just happen, there are causes). It’s easy to dress up what happened during the child rearing years. Or even for him to believe his own bullshit. It’s really unlikely his exw was simply a mean old frigid bitch (or however he is portraying her) - why would he have married her??

also - he’s telling you he’s a cheat. So you won’t be surprised when he does it to you.

he sounds old and you sound young. He is full of bullshit and you need to watch out.

@SpongeBob2022 if you’re an elder Millennial then there’s some good ( for want of a better term since infidelity is never good) news: according to a recent study and in contrast to other generations Millennial men are only as likely to cheat as Millennial women: amp.washingtontimes.com/news/2018/jan/11/millennial-women-have-higher-rates-infidelity-mill/

So it seems we now have gender parity when it comes to being a cheat!