Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

Yes, I agree it's possible. "Temptations and opportunities" and "modern society" are perfect excuses for morally weak people.

The point about his friends is that they met at University so before
they were all married or in relationships they weren't brought together
because of infidelity.

That's exactly the point, birds of a feather flock together, their habbits were alligned young, their mutual disrespect of women gave them a united bond.

It may not have been what innitially brought them together but their shared values and morality kept them friends, there will have been others who fell by the wayside because they didn't want to be friends with a bunch of twats.

Take notice of people's friends, it tells you at lot about them.

Can I ask why you have decided not to end your marriage? Just trying to get an understanding and not attempting to vilify.

There are even some people who really do have only one sexual partner their entire lives...it's the norm in many religious communities.

Unusual, sure. Impossible? Don't be ridiculous.

Anyone who thinks it's ok to have an affair with a married man is a lesser person.

Not all in the friendship group have ! I don't think they aided and abetted each other

@27penny she may well be attractive to others but good person? Sadly not. She has seen her 3 children - all under 9 - once per month on average since it happened. No good person would do that. She has done a lot on very questionable things that have been illegal at times but the point I'm raising is that the phrase downgrade isn't one that was made up by scorned wives. IME it's frequently true.

I get that people cheat and that not everyone is wise enough to end one relationship before moving to another, but at least choose someone who can be a good stepmum so some good can come out of a shit storm.

No clearly wasn't perfect but hindsight is wonderful.

They don't matter though. If all married people held to their own commitments, there'd be no infidelity. You can't expect the world to honour John's promise to you. Hold John to it. It's his responsibility. He's only one person. If you've got got a better chance of three billion strangers treating you better than just the one who's supposed to love you, your relationship is shot anyway.

Okey, I understood the A lifetime of fidelity and sexual exclusivity to only one person as in MONOGAMY, and that’s what that means.
Serial monogamy, totally different and sure, that can be very real.
I’m sure many people can not fuck others for few months/years, yes.

If you don't want to live monogamously, by all means have an ethically polygamous life

To be clear, I have no skin in this game, happily celibate here 😊

If you can go without sex at all, I don't know why you don't believe anyone could go with sex with just one person.

It's the norm in many communities to have only one partner your whole life. Unusual, sure. Impossible? Don't be ridiculous.

Very well said. But people/society insist that they need to stick together for the sake of their children no matter how unhappy they are.

I’ve seen so many threads on this forum where the titles are ‘husband left me and the kids ‘ what a scum bag etc etc followed with hundreds of reply saying even if he sleep on the couch he has to stay.

it’s pretty mad and isn’t healthy for anyone involved. Both in the unhappy marriage and kids observing it.

Not all in the friendship group have ! I don't think they aided and abetted each other

But I bet there will be enough to aid and abet him if he decides to go behind your back.

Really he's just not trustworthy, I know you think you are different but leopards do not change their spots.

He uses women and infedelity as a sport, passtime and ego boost, why would he stop that, it's also his story to tell with his buddies, it makes him interesting to his friends, validates all their values, quells their boredom., and he's just so fantastic, clever, professional and handsome he deserves it all.

Wouldn't you agree ?

Cause I know I’m an outlier.

And once more, I took it as in momonogamy = one partner, as in what it means.
I already said in the very comment you quoted, that people probably can do SERIAL monogamy.

Loosen up with the ’ridiculous’ remarks you have to use so much.
No one is saying your partner has to be/become a cheat, why so personal?

I don't think it was normal to be faithful years ago. I was brought up in a village pub decades ago and saw so many people having affairs. Then I went to work in the NHS in a clinical setting and even more people were at it. Then I went out with a policeman and I don't think there was a single one I'd guys married colleagues who want having an affair.

Your need to hate and insult the women men have affairs with, but not the married men who cheat, is absolutely clear. Your motivation for this way of thinking is not hard to guess at.

Yes affairs are common OP. Even more common is the misogynistic man-excusing hatred they reveal, as in the above post.

Why are you taking it personally?

It's patently ridiculous to say it isn't possible for someone to sleep with only one person over the course of their life. My mother's done it and I'm as sure as I can be that a few other people I know have done it too.

And when relationships do fail, there are all sorts of reasons other than sexual temptation. Humans are complex.

I think you have a truthful liar op. 😂

So basically the affair was merely a side dish with another, usually of low self esteem and morals or due to a sense of entitlement. The saying "men always trade down for their affair partner" seems to hold water.

I suppose it depends on what you class as "trading down". Uglier? Older? More stupid? Poorer? Is that really the case of all affair partners?

And is it a sign of low self esteem to choose to stay with a man who has apparently traded down while looking for something other than what you offer?

Not excusing affairs or insulting people, just to be clear. Just looking at the misogyny at play here.

No, I have known people with no kids and not married, but did have life partners they lived with, and who still had affairs.

It’s not always financial ties that keep people together.

I work in a public sector role and their are a lot of people having affairs.
I joined 5 years ago, and have been on the receiving end of 3 different men with wives/girlfriends making sexual advances (unsuccessfully).

One openly had a wife, he'd had serious affair with colleagues in the past (wife never found out). It seemed he'd make friends with women with innocent enough intentions, but wasn't fully happy in his marriage and then started pinning fantasies on to those friendships.

The other two however, were far more calculated. Both kept their long term relationships secret either completely or just from their 'targets', both had sexual relationships (or tried to) with multiple different, unsuspecting female colleagues. Both still in relationships with those unsuspecting long term girlfriends. They were both actively on watch constantly for new women to chase, and suspect they both just enjoy the power trip/ ego boost that comes with their fuckboy behaviour.

From that experience, I'd say affairs are pretty common. But what drives them can be very different.

Why are you taking it personally?

What? 😄😀

It's weird because growing up, teens and early 20s, I got to an age where it gradually came out that almost every married man had had an affair. It seemed like a rite of passage for midlife men or something.

Then when I was young and unattached it was almost unheard of that a man, regardless of attachment, didn't try it on with me or someone else. Almost all of my friends boyfriends, and all of my boyfriends seemed to be on the permanent brink of unfaithfulness.

When I started work it seemed like all my co-workers were at it. Not to mention that several marriages have broken up because of affairs, others have survived by the skin of their teeth.

Strangely, I would swear blind my DH has never had an affair, and it's impossible to discern if he's even been tempted. Same for my brothers, I just can't imagine they have. I have never had an affair or even come close, despite dh being constantly worried about it. 🙄

It feels like a mismatch to me. In my personal life I have no direct experience, so who are these random miscellaneous men that I came across in my youth. All I can think is that decent men are not out there socialising and drinking in mixed sex environments once they are married.

It's very confusing.

All the men in my family, dad, grandparents etc are all known to have had affairs which aren't discussed. They're considered a phase that passes.

I have 4 really good male friends who I've grown up with (late 40s/50s). All of them have cheated on partners at one time or another. Some are still with their partners wives, others have moved on.

I have lots of female friends, 80% of them have cheated on partners. I am finding now I'm in my late 40s the women are now more likely to have an affair than ever before. Their children are grown, they're ready for their second life and they feel ignored by their partners who have no spark left and they feel taken for granted.

The men are less likely in late 40s, they seem generally more settled and can't be bothered but it was during the early childcare years 20s/30s the men would cheat the women wouldn't.

The women are generally meeting up with old flames or people from work/clubs. I do know of a few people who have stayed faithful in every relationship but they are in the minority.

I think it is more common than people want to accept. I can understand how it happens and despite the narrative on Mumsnet cheating doesn't make someone a bad person.

@frozendaisy

I thought my husband had none of these attributes, until it turns out he did.

I suppose if you're motivated enough, you'll find the time, energy and organisational skills to have an affair. If only he'd been motivated to invest those things into our marriage.

This thread is fascinating