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Original poster

Are affairs common ?

440 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 10:16

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

OP posts:
iaapap · 21/03/2023 17:35

And I have a 17yo. I haven’t cheated. He’s dressing it up as par for the course. It isn’t.

GirlySwot73 · 21/03/2023 17:46

@Livelifelaughter I have decided to leave my marriage. In fact I decided to leave my marriage long before the affair. Meeting my AP only helped to show me what I had been missing and that I wasn't crazy to need more out of life than to trundle on in nothingness forever. I will find the courage one day.

BigCheeseSandwich · 21/03/2023 17:51

the people saying “my friends aren’t having affairs” are deluded. You have no idea what goes on, even with your closest friend. Take it from someone who knows!

GirlySwot73 · 21/03/2023 17:52

@BigCheeseSandwich Agreed. My friends and family would put me right at the bottom of the "most likely to have an affair" list, and here I am.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 21/03/2023 17:55

I honestly would find it difficult to continue a close friendship with someone capable of an affair. IMO, there are no grey areas when it comes to affairs.

mydogisthebest · 21/03/2023 17:59

I am pretty certain no one in my family has had an affair. My parents were married 68 years and I would be willing to bet neither cheated. They met when pretty young and neither had previous boyfriends/girlfriends.

Both my siblings married their first boyfriend and both have now been married 40 years. Again, I would be willing to bet neither of them nor their husbands have cheated.

Me and DH have been married 43 years and not cheated. We both have very strong views on infidelity.

Three of my nieces and one of my nephews married their first boyfriend/girlfriend. Again pretty certain none have cheated.

I don't think it is difficult not to cheat. If you love and respect someone you don't cheat on them. If you have morals you don't cheat

GirlySwot73 · 21/03/2023 18:12

@mydogisthebest I would never cheat on someone I loved. I don't love my husband and he doesn't love me. What I am doing you could argue isn't cheating as I am only 'with' one person, not two.

uhOhOP · 21/03/2023 18:21

GirlySwot73 · 21/03/2023 18:12

@mydogisthebest I would never cheat on someone I loved. I don't love my husband and he doesn't love me. What I am doing you could argue isn't cheating as I am only 'with' one person, not two.

YOU "could argue it isn't cheating", as could other cheats, liars, and those who seem to believe infidelity is not so bad because "humans aren't supposed to be monogamous, so...".

Mitfordian · 21/03/2023 18:24

Some people live their life as of its Eastenders. You should avoid people who love drama and they really do cluster together as evidenced by many of the accounts on this thread....

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 18:28

Loonylooops · 21/03/2023 16:21

I think as a society we need to talk about this more. The hush hush aspect of it causes more problems. There needs to be more dialogue about consensual non monogamy and people need to be willing to open their eyes to the fact that life isn't black or white. This vitriol hatred of the 'ultimate' betrayal needs addressing. Human beings are complex and many a good relationship has been thrown to the gutter over an affair when it could probably have survived. I do think some of the views here are outdated.

I agree with this. Do you think we have it to some degree without the discussion? I am pretty sure plenty of partners know but would rather not rock the boat or prefer to continue with a certain life style and like to be married.

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 21/03/2023 18:28

mydogisthebest · 21/03/2023 17:59

I am pretty certain no one in my family has had an affair. My parents were married 68 years and I would be willing to bet neither cheated. They met when pretty young and neither had previous boyfriends/girlfriends.

Both my siblings married their first boyfriend and both have now been married 40 years. Again, I would be willing to bet neither of them nor their husbands have cheated.

Me and DH have been married 43 years and not cheated. We both have very strong views on infidelity.

Three of my nieces and one of my nephews married their first boyfriend/girlfriend. Again pretty certain none have cheated.

I don't think it is difficult not to cheat. If you love and respect someone you don't cheat on them. If you have morals you don't cheat

So, not only has no one in your cheated, no one seems to have had more than one partner. The first claim may not be that unusual, but the second claim is startling unusual (unless you are from a strict religious community).

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 18:35

creamedcarrots · 21/03/2023 16:24

Yes, very common. I hold my hands up to having had affairs, as did my husband at the time, both lots of parents and numerous friends and colleagues. Surely this goes to show that we really aren't meant to just stay with one person? Having said that, I'm sure there are lots of content people who don't really care about sex and are happy with their lot, so don't seek elsewhere.
I also think it's easier to find affair partners now since the internet.
I'd never get married again as the pain is dreadful of finding out about affairs is dreadful....... and I'm one of the philanderers !

That's really interesting. Do you think it was the affair that made the break up painful. My marriage ended without an affair and it was so painful, part of me wanted to believe he had met someone just so I could vent my anger rather than hear that he just stopped loving me. I have no desire to be married again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 18:35

Tuilpmouse · 21/03/2023 18:28

So, not only has no one in your cheated, no one seems to have had more than one partner. The first claim may not be that unusual, but the second claim is startling unusual (unless you are from a strict religious community).

Show quote history

Weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 18:36

DINGDONG23 · 21/03/2023 16:26

I have had an affair and I am the last person you would suspect so I think it is probably much more common than people think

Why ? So intrigued...

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 18:37

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 21/03/2023 17:55

I honestly would find it difficult to continue a close friendship with someone capable of an affair. IMO, there are no grey areas when it comes to affairs.

I suspect you wouldn't be told...

OP posts:
Beaverbridge · 21/03/2023 18:45

Every work place I've been in has had work place affairs, numerous times. One man who had the most beautiful wife and children, was openly having affairs. Suppose cos people spend most of their time at work.

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 18:48

I think it's more common than people realise. All those saying "well, none of my friends or family have" - like a PP said, it's not something we tend to own up to, especially while it's ongoing.

I fell into an affair with a married man while I was in a long term relationship (and engaged). I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. I eventually left my fiance, which in hindsight I should have done years ago. It took me having an affair to realise how unhappy I was. My AP is still married and will never leave his wife (which is fine by me). He's managed to keep it a secret for almost 4 years now.

WidthofaLine · 21/03/2023 18:54

A depressing thread of double dippers.

JamSandle · 21/03/2023 19:00

I think they are common.

uhOhOP · 21/03/2023 19:24

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 18:48

I think it's more common than people realise. All those saying "well, none of my friends or family have" - like a PP said, it's not something we tend to own up to, especially while it's ongoing.

I fell into an affair with a married man while I was in a long term relationship (and engaged). I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. I eventually left my fiance, which in hindsight I should have done years ago. It took me having an affair to realise how unhappy I was. My AP is still married and will never leave his wife (which is fine by me). He's managed to keep it a secret for almost 4 years now.

Interesting that you say you "fell into an affair". Does his wife know about you?

mydogisthebest · 21/03/2023 19:29

Tuilpmouse · 21/03/2023 18:28

So, not only has no one in your cheated, no one seems to have had more than one partner. The first claim may not be that unusual, but the second claim is startling unusual (unless you are from a strict religious community).

Show quote history

Yes I guess my family is unusual and, no, we are not from a strict religious community.

I had boyfriends before I met DH and he had girlfriends and one niece had boyfriends before she met her now husband. The others though all met when they were young - one 14 and the others between 16 and 18 and have been with their now husband/wife for at least 14 years.

When I think about it, out of my 6 cousins 3 of them are married to their first and only boyfriend and all have been married for 30 years or longer

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 19:30

I fell into an affair with a married man

I think humans are complicated and I know that not everyone who has an affair is a terrible person. They're all different and sometimes the affair isn't the worst thing that's happened in the marriage.

But I do get a bit annoyed at the way people will often talk about them as if they're something that just happened to them, as if they didn't make any choices or engineer anything.

mydogisthebest · 21/03/2023 19:30

Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 18:35

Weird.

Show quote history

It might be unusual but I would not call it weird

TomeTome · 21/03/2023 19:47

mydogisthebest · 21/03/2023 19:29

Yes I guess my family is unusual and, no, we are not from a strict religious community.

I had boyfriends before I met DH and he had girlfriends and one niece had boyfriends before she met her now husband. The others though all met when they were young - one 14 and the others between 16 and 18 and have been with their now husband/wife for at least 14 years.

When I think about it, out of my 6 cousins 3 of them are married to their first and only boyfriend and all have been married for 30 years or longer

Show quote history

Perhaps there are people who are monogamous by nature and those that are not, and occasionally people cross from one group to the other but mostly they stay in their lane?

WidthofaLine · 21/03/2023 20:01

Perhaps there are people who are monogamous by nature and those that are
not, and occasionally people cross from one group to the other but
mostly they stay in their lane?

Yes and this is one place where we meet, the betrayers and the betrayed on MN.

**

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