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Original poster

Are affairs common ?

440 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 10:16

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 21/03/2023 20:03

We're monogamous, pretty certain OH has no inclination to stray. We have talked about it as it comes up often in MN and I often talk to him about the discussions. Just doesn't see why anyone would put themselves though all the hassle of a second relationship as ones more than enough (I'm not that hard work it's just he doesn't like people situations).

DrMarciaFieldstone · 21/03/2023 20:05

Beaverbridge · 21/03/2023 18:45

Every work place I've been in has had work place affairs, numerous times. One man who had the most beautiful wife and children, was openly having affairs. Suppose cos people spend most of their time at work.

Same. I’d never be shocked at anything after working in office environments for 15 years. Anything goes.

Maybe83 · 21/03/2023 20:09

Yes people who have affairs are fundamentally terrible people. They are liars/manipulative/emotionally abusive to maintain their affairs. What's good about that?

Yes life is complex, relationships financial situations etc but there is always another option. They are also beyond selfish. I also don't by into the narrative that about monogamous relationships being against nature. Don't want to be in a monogamous relationship leave or tell your partner that they aren't actually in a monogamous relationship.

I know lots of people who have had affairs. Some in my close family and friends. While they might still be in my life for any number of reasons I have zero respect for them and have distance myself from them on a personal level.

Are there people I know who are having affairs and no one knows I'm sure there are.

BigFatLiar · 21/03/2023 20:14

DrMarciaFieldstone · 21/03/2023 20:05

Same. I’d never be shocked at anything after working in office environments for 15 years. Anything goes.

Show quote history

Offices used to be a hotbed for affairs and general sexual promiscuity.
Don't suppose it's quote so easy with wfh.

SanFranBear · 21/03/2023 20:28

Don't suppose it's quite so easy with wfh.

So easy..

"I'm going into the office today" to significant other

"I'm working from home" to workplace

Meet up, do a few meetings and some work - fuck like bunnies!

Purpleberet · 21/03/2023 20:38

I have so many thoughts on this. I used to be surprised and shocked finding out people were having affairs. Now I think a lot of people are at it. Even the types you’d never think.
I personally have encountered many men supposedly in committed marriages/long term relationships who made no secret that they are open to something on the side.

In my opinion many of these people are happy in their relationships. They just want the stability of a committed partner at home as well as to hook up with other people. They don’t want to end their relationship. Of course it’s completely unfair on their partner who believes they are in a monogamous relationship and is unknowingly living a lie. It’s selfish and it’s stealing their partner’s right to make an informed choice about the relationship.

I do think we need to drop this idea that everyone has one perfect match in the world who they will be with for the rest of their life, and once you find them you will be enough for each other and you will both be faithful. I think there are people in the world who will never ever be faithful to one person, it’s not that they haven’t met “The right person”.

If people did talk more openly about this, accept monogamy isn’t the ultimate goal for everyone and stop glorifying it, maybe there’d be a lot less heartache and everyone would be much happier.

Architectahoy · 21/03/2023 20:41

If people did talk more openly about this, accept monogamy isn’t the ultimate goal for everyone and stop glorifying it, maybe there’d be a lot less heartache and everyone would be much happier.

As much as I don't like it, I think you have a very good point

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 20:45

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 18:48

I think it's more common than people realise. All those saying "well, none of my friends or family have" - like a PP said, it's not something we tend to own up to, especially while it's ongoing.

I fell into an affair with a married man while I was in a long term relationship (and engaged). I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. I eventually left my fiance, which in hindsight I should have done years ago. It took me having an affair to realise how unhappy I was. My AP is still married and will never leave his wife (which is fine by me). He's managed to keep it a secret for almost 4 years now.

Why would he not end his marriage? You ended yours because you were unhappy.

OP posts:
MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 21:01

Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 20:45

Why would he not end his marriage? You ended yours because you were unhappy.

Show quote history

Because he is happy in his marriage.

He has a pretty wife, 2 grown up kids, nice house, brilliant job, plans to retire in less than 10 years. Why would he want to rock the boat?

I wasn't married, I have no kids, I was deeply unhappy in my relationship. I didn't leave to be with my AP.

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 21:03

uhOhOP · 21/03/2023 19:24

Interesting that you say you "fell into an affair". Does his wife know about you?

Show quote history

No, I'm fairly certain she doesn't. We've never actually discussed it but the jumping up, and going outside when she or the kids call indicate to me that they don't know about me.

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 21:05

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 19:30

I fell into an affair with a married man

I think humans are complicated and I know that not everyone who has an affair is a terrible person. They're all different and sometimes the affair isn't the worst thing that's happened in the marriage.

But I do get a bit annoyed at the way people will often talk about them as if they're something that just happened to them, as if they didn't make any choices or engineer anything.

You're right. "Fell into" wasn't the best phrase. I never intended to start an affair with a married man But once I learned he was interested in me, I'll be honest us having sex for the first time was planned and pre-meditated. On both sides, I think.

uhOhOP · 21/03/2023 21:20

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 21:03

No, I'm fairly certain she doesn't. We've never actually discussed it but the jumping up, and going outside when she or the kids call indicate to me that they don't know about me.

Show quote history

So, so unfair to his wife. Imagine if you were in her position. Not "I wouldn't mind" or "it would suit me", just imagine if you were in her position where you have no idea that your spouse is lying to your face every day, maybe (probably, more like) even manipulating you to stop you being or becoming suspicious.

Is treachery really so attractive to you?

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2023 21:23

BigCheeseSandwich · 21/03/2023 17:51

the people saying “my friends aren’t having affairs” are deluded. You have no idea what goes on, even with your closest friend. Take it from someone who knows!

Agree with this.

I had an affair and none of my best friends knew anything about it.

rainbowlou · 21/03/2023 21:32

My husband had such strong morals especially around cheating (his previous fiancée cheated apparently) that it made me feel so secure with him.
Then he cheated on me when we were mid move to a newer, better exciting life, things couldn’t have been better.
He told her our marriage had run it’s course and we weren’t sleeping together (lies) and that he was staying for our children.
All lies to get his leg over and an ego boost from someone younger and prettier.
would I ever trust someone that admitted to behaving like this in the past? Absolutely not.
They tell you what you want to hear.

JanesSadLittleLife · 21/03/2023 21:36

I'm regularly agog at the tales of affairs that arise within my work and social circle. And that's just the ones I hear about!

I've been happily married for 20 years and never strayed - has my husband? No idea. I had suspicions once or twice, but nothing concrete - I can imagine there could have been some flirtations which faded away in time.

But contrary to the majority of MN (as far as I can tell), I really don't want to know the gruesome details. I don't honestly believe he's got it in him, if he was truly unhappy he'd just leave, but if he has dipped a toe in...I don't want to know, I like our life as it is. Just don't bring anything home to me.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 21:42

uhOhOP · 21/03/2023 21:20

So, so unfair to his wife. Imagine if you were in her position. Not "I wouldn't mind" or "it would suit me", just imagine if you were in her position where you have no idea that your spouse is lying to your face every day, maybe (probably, more like) even manipulating you to stop you being or becoming suspicious.

Is treachery really so attractive to you?

Show quote history

Leave her alone. If she dumps him tomorrow he'll still be an opportunistic, sexually incontinent dog on the prowl, and nobody will be grilling him about why he finds his paramours attractive when he shouldn't. His marriage is his promise, nobody else is responsible for it.

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 21:52

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 21:42

Leave her alone. If she dumps him tomorrow he'll still be an opportunistic, sexually incontinent dog on the prowl, and nobody will be grilling him about why he finds his paramours attractive when he shouldn't. His marriage is his promise, nobody else is responsible for it.

Show quote history

Thank you @ReneBumsWombats
@uhOhOP I don't see how I'm the one being treacherous? Yes, I was towards my own partner, but he's the one choosing to have the affair and lie to his wife.

Hawkins003 · 21/03/2023 21:55

Reading with intrigue, although I'm puzzled with why women have affairs ? I know some have no morals, but then at times it's even women in high power positions ect that also have affairs and it's like ???

uhOhOP · 21/03/2023 21:57

MadeForFun · 21/03/2023 21:52

Thank you @ReneBumsWombats
@uhOhOP I don't see how I'm the one being treacherous? Yes, I was towards my own partner, but he's the one choosing to have the affair and lie to his wife.

Show quote history

I didn't say you were. I asked if treachery is attractive to you. Assuming you're not attracted to yourself, I'm obviously saying that HE is the treacherous one.

Dicktimsabound · 21/03/2023 21:58

balconylife · 21/03/2023 12:42

I fear this thread normalises betrayal.

My beloved DH has just died. We were together since I was 19 and he was 21. He was extraordinarily good looking. Neither of us had an affair in the 47 years we were together.

So very sorry for your loss. 💐

beenwhereyouare · 21/03/2023 22:06

@creamedcarrots

"Surely this goes to show that we really aren't meant to just stay with one person? Having said that, I'm sure there are lots of content people who don't really care about sex and are happy with their lot, so don't seek elsewhere."

Really? You actually believe that the reason monogamous people like me don't cheat is that we don't really care for sex? I have a very strong sex drive; I choose to remain faithful and honor the vows I took in 1979 because I meant them. I love my husband too much to hurt him in that way. As I believe he loves me. I'm not naive but I don't think he's ever stepped out on me, Only he and God know for sure.

What I am sure of is that love and respect are necessary in a relationship, but sex and laughter are the glue that holds a marriage together. Just because faithful people don't grab all the available candy doesn't mean we dislike sweets. I think it means that we've found the candy we like the most, and are choosing not to share with anyone but each other.

TomeTome · 21/03/2023 22:11

I'm sure there are lots of content people who don't really care about sex and are happy with their lot, so don't seek elsewhere. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
yeah of course it’s an indication of disinterest in sex. Are you 15? I sincerely doubt the happily monogamous are that way because they have low sex drives

ReneBumsWombats · 21/03/2023 22:15

Hawkins003 · 21/03/2023 21:55

Reading with intrigue, although I'm puzzled with why women have affairs ? I know some have no morals, but then at times it's even women in high power positions ect that also have affairs and it's like ???

Well that's because there remains this weird, backwards idea that women don't enjoy sex. Why on earth would a woman not like sex or intimacy just because she has a high powered job?

We don't like it when men have affairs but we recognise that it's because they get pleasure and benefits out of sex, no matter how powerful (or not) that they are. But for some reason, we get totally mystified about why women might do it. Some people reach for absolutely any explanation except the most obvious one.

faffadoodledo · 21/03/2023 22:16

@balconylife
It sounds like you indeed had a wonderful marriage. And one that many of my friends also seem to have.
I'm pretty gobsmacked tbh by the stories in this thread. I know very few people who've had affairs.
I've been married 30 years this year, and we still have sex and still try to make time for each intern amidst the sh&t life can often throw at us.
The few affairs I do know about seem to be in a particular sub set of friends - it's as if birds is a feather flock together!