Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

I've never said "I don't actually know what empathy is". That's something you've implied about me.

Like I said previously, I know fine well the hurt and anguish that his wife is going to feel if she ever finds out about her husband's affair.

Well this thread got well and truly high jacked didn't it 🙄 maybe those of you who want to debate back and forth could have started your own thread.
I note OP gave up some time ago.
I did a quick round up of people I know who have had affairs/elicit ONS that I know of, and got to 14.
Not a very edifying number and there will no doubt be a lot more who haven't confided in me, haven't been found out yet or manage to get away with it.
So yes in my opinion affairs are common.

I think affairs are common.

I know quite a few people that have had affairs and I know several that have considered it. I was married to ex for 10 years and never cheated but was tempted towards the end, I no longer loved him or enjoyed sex with him, I was tempted to cheat, that’s when I realised I had to leave him. I think many people stay together for the kids whilst they no longer love each other, a lot of people end up in sexless marriages but still crave sex (just not with their husband/wife). Maybe if people were more open about their feelings it wouldn’t be such a big deal. I have now been single for 8 years and can’t imagine being in that kind of relationship again. Being single I do get married men chat me up, they often say they are in a sexless marriage, wether they are telling the truth or not is another story but I don’t want to get involved.

So I would say it is pretty common, I think often the other person knows their other half is cheating. I don’t think I would have cared too much what dh was doing towards the end of our relationship, in a way I hoped he would find someone else so I would feel less guilty about kicking him out 😬.

Yes, I implied it from your comments in which you appeared to not know what empathy is.

Hello! Still here just so much to read ! I never imagined I would be in a relationship with someone who had an affair (although not in the context of our relationship as far as I know)- but frankly I have probably been in relationships where I have been cheated on. I have always thought that affairs were bad things done by morally corrupt people but my view has certainly changed. People can be horrible in marriages, they can be emotionally abusive, cruel, irresponsible but affairs seem to be held in many minds as far worse.

I am pretty sure my boyfriend's stbxw must have known but I suspect because he was responsible, provided for all the family financial needs, was a brilliant father she was prepared to turn a blind eye.

We're not "blaming each other", but talking about things such as morals, conscience, responsibility, and behavior.

Those are social constructs imposed upon you by a patriarchal system. By judging each other on those things, you are supporting a system which oppresses women.

Try for a year. Stop believing what the system tells you. You won't go back.

By judging each other on those things, you are supporting a system which oppresses women.

As seen by the outrageous level of misogyny from various posters on this thread. Weapon level offensiveness and woman hating. And shitty men are laughing.

People can be horrible in marriages, they can be emotionally abusive, cruel, irresponsible but affairs seem to be held in many minds as far worse.

Agree. An affair is not the only way to shit on a marriage and sometimes it isn't even the worst thing someone has done.

I think there's a few posts on here that assume that the OW isn't also married and has the same reasons for not ending her marriage - the children.

There are a number of posts that assume a great deal, all based in an absolutely visceral and sickening loathing of women.

Exactly this !

Conducting an affair is the same as conducting a murder - you need means, motive and opportunity.

There is no 'perfect murder' and no 'perfect affair'.

People always get found out, because they are arrogant, stupid or both.🙄

People always get found out

Of course they don't always get found out.

People always get found out

No they don’t.

I agree, they don't.
I also know a number of relationships where parents have agreed not to tell the children including young adults.
I am sure some women and perhaps men don't want to even let people know.

Of course they don't always get found out.

The posts from @Dicktimsabound and @WidthofaLine are genuinely really sad.

Their psychology, all this emotion and energy, put into creating this fantasy where they have to try and claim back some sense of power, some control, from a situation they ultimately feel powerless in and where all control is removed from them by a deceptive, cheating man.

Instead of creating this fantasy where you have to reframe yourself as the real prize, by dehumanizing and denigrating other women, why not try realizing that it is the Husband who is no prize at all, and go and live your best life, on your own terms, instead of in reference to a sliding scale of how much a cheating man thinks of you?

They are so cartoonishly hateful and misogynistic, that I actually wonder if they are in fact cheating men who lost their wives over it, and are furious because they thought the OW were solely responsible and they wouldn't be blamed. They now deify their wives as they see what they've lost, and loathe their affair partners for, as they see it, being to blame for their temptation.

It might not be, of course, but look at the posts again (if you can stand it) from that perspective and it's very disturbing interesting. Calling women warm piss, blaming them entirely for being temptresses, glorying in societal misogyny, the Madonna/whore complex... and the men get almost no mention. Except as the prizes whose opinion dictates whether a woman is "champagne or piss".

And just the sheer full on woman-hate of it all. I've truly never seen anything like it on here.

I read a wise post once which said : “A grown woman is not a sacred cow.”
Not everyone who points out bad behaviour in adult women is being mysogynistic. Many posters here are not generalising about all women, they are replying to or commenting on the remarks and behaviour of one woman who chose to reply here. People will stop commenting about what is it isn’t acceptable behaviour from women if every time they do they get called misogynistic, bitter, or even mentally unwell or suffering from some kind of syndrome.
I am one who firmly believes that the person to blame for cheating is the one or ones in a committed relationship doing the cheating. However, I still think it’s morally questionable for anyone, of any gender, to pursue a relationship with or sleep with someone whom they know is in a committed monogamous relationship. The OW posting here is brave to do so and appears to be answering questions honestly. If she is in a committed relationship then she too is cheating. If not, then whilst she is not to be blamed at all for what the married man is doing, that is his choice and responsibility, she is however choosing to knowingly involve herself with and collude in the continuing abuse of another woman and her children. Is it mysogynistic to disapprove of that? I’m not disapproving of it because she’s a woman, I’m disapproving of it because it’s a God awful thing to do. I’d say the same to an OM having an affair with a married woman. Yes, mysogyny is rife on MN, all over the place, absolutely agree. But as I quoted above, a grown woman is not a sacred cow who just because she’s a woman can do whatever she wants with no regard to how her behaviour affects others and by dint of her sex expect no disapproval. God help any man who shows up here and disapproves of her behaviour, he’d be accused of mysogyny whether he had a fair point or not.

@Livelifelaughter my apologies for how the thread has got derailed, I realised earlier that the question in the original thread had got lost and I’ve played my part in that. To actually answer it 😂 I think they are far more common than people realise. Amongst my friends and family I know of five marriages which have been affected. These were long relationships and I’ve known all involved for over 40 years. From them I know that they have non-mutual friends who either cheated or whose partners did. My close friends tend to confide in me, these particular friends are all unrelated to each other and from different times in my life. I helped pick up the pieces. Only in one case did I see it coming, the other four shocked the hell out of me. Nobody is a cheat until they are, and not all cheats are serial cheats. Every relationship survived the infidelity, except one, where there was sadly a suicide because of it. The person who cheated could not cope with the guilt in the aftermath and the shame and guilt that witnessing the suffering of their spouse and children was too much for them. You only know about cheating if you discover it or somebody admits it, so it follows that some people think it’s rare, some think it’s common. The older I get the more of it I see. This is not to excuse any of it, but with the advent of technology and social media and availability of porn and far easier and more discreet access to sex workers than long ago, lines get blurred and what used to be barriers are now removed. Don’t get me started about the tv shows peddled at younger people turning how we treat each other into game shows where shafting each other is actively encouraged and normalised. None of these things mean we can use them to excuse what we know are poor choices in our conduct and treatment of others though. That is on each individual, regardless of gender or external influences or FOO issues. We all have a choice.

Do you preach this utter rubbish to the men you sleep with, no doubt along with all the yes your wife is terrible I would never treat you like that. It's an absolute dream for men, yes I have a right to sex even though your married.

Married men = Yeah !!!!!!👅 😍

Yours view are so far from femenism it's laughable, the archetypal woman standing at the front door with a negligee on offering free sex to keep the menz interested. 😂 Just as a pp poster said, take the sex off the table and I bet you wouldn't see them for dust. Oh but I hear you say, sex without conditions is empowering.

Bullshit, you're just too scared to enforce boundaries because you're terrified you'll end up lonely. Many of you pulling middle aged men who wouldn't have given you a second glance if you were the same age as them, your asset in many cases is your youth and stupidity, being decieved by these men, who you seem to think you are in control of. You are not.

I would say ons are the most common, affairs tend to be less so, it takes a certain kind of woman to agree to be kept secret indefinitely, they are women who are easily manipulated and moulded by the men in long term affairs.
Far from being empowering they show exactly how weak someone's character is, for whatever reason they get into them it shows a selfishness that is not just confined to men's entitlement, it is purely self serving. Some of you may even get a few jobs thrown in, a bit of DIY, car fixing or the pretence of actually going out and doing 'family things' like a trip out, looking over your shoulder even in another town, great arn't I special. Look he loves me even without the sex, just don't mention the wife and kids, it always puts him on a downer, poor baby.

Now that wouldn't be so bad but the rediculousness of these ow proudly exiting the reasons for these affairs are pittiful, they state it is not their responsibility and refuse any form of critisism that they too may be at fault.

A no fault affair, but only on the women's side, it's all the mens fault.
Ok loves, crack on, but if you think your lives are going to remain in situ with this arrangement then I think you are going to be dissapointed, there was never a relationship that fared well with such disrespect based at it's core.

You are only sabotaging your own lives, and protecting and defending the mens behaviour at the same time, you are the ones blaming women, you are denigrating the whistle blowers of inhumane behaviour and vigorously defending the men, just so you can have a tiny period of time whereby someone lies to you that you are special.

If anyone is deluded it is you, your refusal to see how you are being used by men is sad but very common.

You cannot see that you have been conditioned to blame other females, that responsibility is the female at fault, you have made these excuses up to accomodate men, entirely fictional excuses to excuse the inexcusable.
You are all, very silly and one day maybe you will have the knowledge to see this, but at the moment you're in the eye of the tiger.

We all learn as we grow up but some end up having regrets that are far larger and can profoundly affect our lives, many wives on here have gone through their drama's, but at least we won't be afflicted by the guilt of harming others, we can garner sympathy and respect, you can only hang your heads in shame when it all goes tits up.

Not everyone who points out bad behaviour in adult women is being mysogynistic.

Of course not, but these ones are. It's just sickening.

Quite. And yes it is.

Just realized that was ambiguous! I mean, there are plenty of comments here that are clearly misogynistic and to a sickening degree.

It's also just kind of...crazy? I mean, who actually talks like that? I know it's common to accuse people online of "frothing" but in this case, I think it's really literally happening.

The more it goes on, the more "angry basement dwelling man" vibes I'm getting. Could be wrong, of course, women can be hugely misogynistic. There's just something about the vulgarity and anger, and the placing of MM as the prizes whose views of women decide everything about them.

You are behaving badly and so are the men, to deny that makes it even worse.
I have respect for people who admit fault, I can't respect you.

The interesting thing to me about the different types of affair is the crossovers in social classes, age and wealth, many of them I've seen are some kind of trade off, much of them boiling down to laziness in life and an inability to do things the right way or for themselves, they are shortcuts to greed and an innability to recognise they are purely selfish and see the real resons why they are indulging in them

I've found most people hide the real reasons they are in an affair, the lies are most apparent between the actual ap's.