DHa Affair revealed

Along with looking after your kids and the emotions you are going through, can you sort out the financials? Who owns what? what banks/building societies are you with? pensions? savings? car? Can you do part time work?

You need to know how to manage if you LTB even with child maintenance. If you choose not to, then marriage guidance counselling.

Good luck OP.

Also you know proportionally quite a lot of people who've cheated on their spouses/partners in long-term relationships; are they related? A friendship group? The phrase birds of a feather springs to mind.

I couldn't name more than 1 couple I know personally who I know have stayed together after cheating, and they're relatives ... You can't pick your family. He is a controlling, creepy, sex pest, should have been arrested for sexual assault on numerous occasions .. who also finally found a woman like standarded enough to cheat fully with. His wife is extremely "basic" in every way and would never leave but even she lives a slightly separate life from him.

Wondering what things are like with DH staying at his mum’s. Is DH helping with the upkeep on your house/ watching the kids while you’re away or is he being cared for at his mum’s house whilst you do all the work at home?

Just wondering how much spare time he has to think and plan compared to you.

How are you doing today OP? I hope you’ve managed to get some cohesive sleep since you found out - if not please speak to your GP for some help, there are sleeping tabs in the short term and some anti-depressants can help with sleep too. Mirtazapine springs to mind from my line of work. Also please consider individual counselling if it’s not something you’ve already explored.

You’ve had a lot of opinions and thoughts on your situation and I hope you’re taking what is useful to you and leaving the rest.
I’ve heard that you shouldn’t make any decisions either way for about 3 months. I guess a window of time like that gives you chance to see if he does stay no contact with the OW, if his remorse seems genuine and also gives you chance to see what your financial situation is like if you decide not to stay.

The H has told many of these people whats gone on so it's fairly common knowledge now. This is impacting on my H a lot as he hates to be badly thought of (despite his actions).

How very sad for him.


I am wondering if I should contact OW. The emails do reveal a lot but would be interesting to get her perspective (if she will speak to me). What do you think?

That could be a double edged sword.

She's bound to be very unsettled, distressed, and all over the place ATM. Her husband has ended their marriage (do they have any kids?), her affair partner has dumped her, you'll be looking for clarity and info and she's maybe not in the headspace to give it, even If she wanted to.

Also Ive heard of cheating men cutting off their affair partners but contacting them privately to say they don't mean it, they're being forced to do it, the wife has lost the plot, the kids are being affected, she's threatening abc, he needs to put a lid on it in the time being etc etc. Lots of excuses and lots of attempted amelioration if the public/demonstrative dumping for their wife etc. They're often still schmoozing the ow behind the scenes, just in case they want to have her as an option. So you can never be 100% that's going on; and sges not on your side/not neutral.

Hi everyone, long story short I have been with my husband for 10 years we have three children together all under 6. I have been feeling really lonely recently, my H seems to be always on his phone communicating with other people (don't think his cheating) he's just really chatty with friends etc. I feel like I am just pushed aside though.
Like I find there R times where he gets lot more disconnected from me and our family and is just constantly on his phone N looking for reasons to go out.
Like I don't know why but when there been celebrations like mother day he has made no effort at all like not even bothered to buy me anything.
I went in a bit of a strop yesterday evening because he was moody all day and stressed with our toddler who is poorly atm and just wants comforting but H has one of these attitudes he thinks boys should grow up tough not soft and doesn't even respond to his crying in a comforting manner. It makes me really upset when he does this.
Hes like this with me aswell though he isn't emotionally connected with me like he used to be. Just ignores me all the time when I speak to him. Literally shushes Me sometimes so he can hear his mates voice notes instead of waiting for me to finish speaking first.
Just feel like he doesn't really respect me Nymore. Doesn't hear me when I try to talk to him. Totally neglects conversation with me. I'm feeling lost. He isn't supportive when I feel like we need some time to talk through anything he just puts his phone in front of his face and doesn't take the time to listen to me. He won't even open up to me about his own feelings.

She had after all been involved in a romantic relationship with him for two years, and whatever build up beforehand. She's risked her marriage for that relationship (and lost it), she was probably invested to some degree, he told her he was out with you for the kids and probably implied ...and she probably believed, he'd leave once they were a certain age. He's apparently a handsome charismatic man. She may not have given you all hope and investment yet; so perhais you cannot rely on her to be honest/straight/neutral.

*given up

Good to hear you’re seeking support - my guess is you got given Zopiclone? I know they don’t like to prescribe it to the general public for long periods of time - it might be worth exploring Mirtazipine if you need longer term support, it’s more for anxiety but has a calming effect and can aid sleep

There is a huge amount of grief attached to this process. You may recall from previous posts in the thread that my parents reconciled. I’ve never spoken to them about how what happened affected their shared past or their planned future but they became very adventurous in the years after and have continued to - like a shock to the system, albeit a terrible one
Obviously not advising that route necessarily - I’m probably more pro-R than most but I recognise it isn’t for everyone

As far as OW goes - I wouldn’t whether or not you decide to reconcile or part ways. If you choose to leave you don’t need any more information than you already have and if you choose R then her comments (truth, lie or somewhere between) may hinder your own personal healing as well as that of your marriage.

@Needadvice2972

Hello sweetie, scroll up to the top of the page and you will see Start new thread.

x

And welcome

I am wondering if I should contact OW. The emails do reveal a lot but
would be interesting to get her perspective (if she will speak to me).
What do you think?

Do whatever you want to do, I personally would as it makes you real. Many ow seem to be able to classify the wife as some non existant being that only exists in the bad fairy tale yarns their ap tells them.

Realising they've hurt a real life human can be good for them.

I think it will be a case of needing time to process it all.

OP, time is exactly what you need so feel free to take exactly however long you need. Your DH won’t be going anywhere or making any moves soon esp if he’s been outed and he cares about what others think of him. There isn’t a rush or some timeline you must adhere to. Breathe in deep and know that giving yourself the time and space you need will give you the perspective you need, whatever you choose to do.
You must be exhausted. And why wouldn’t you be? Your brain is on constant overdrive. EVERYTHING is 100x more difficult when you are tired. I bet the OW is tired and on overdrive too. Nothing helpful can come of having a conversation with her right now. You’re the bigger person/woman here. Don’t give her a microphone. Maybe after all of the dust has settled. But not now.

Just came to say... Hugs xx

Don’t contact the OW. What have you got to gain?

She, like her husband, will have her agenda and you won’t feature.

You’ve read the emails, you have a good idea of what went on. You don’t need any more information.

At this time you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to come to terms with what he has done and gradually start to rebuild your life, with or without him.

BBC 4 are re running The Mistress. A good watch and I thought very true of how husbands play both sides when caught out.

You're in shock, and the pathway now is just the same as grief. You'll go through all of the same phases - denial, anger etc, and it takes time.

Yes to the sleeping tablets short term. If you speak to your pharmacist, you can buy the same drug that is in Night Nurse over the counter, and that is effective too.

Honestly, counselling is incredibly helpful if you can afford it.

I know what you are feeling about the OW. I was in a different situation, but found I needed closure on loose threads. It doesn't actually help, but it makes you feel like you've tied the ends off.

@RaeraeH I would think very carefully before contacting the OW. If you really need to, which is understandable, it’s a tempting thought, then ask yourself exactly what it is that is motivating you to do it. If you want information, then think carefully over what it is you want to know. Then remember that there is a big incentive for the OW to lie. She is already a proven liar, and since you do not know her, you can’t predict her reaction. You don’t know whether or not she is now feeling remorseful or actually feeling hostile, contact with her could make you feel worse. Any information she might give you which is at odds with what your husband said will only add to your confusion, since you would be choosing between the word of two liars. If she refuses to give you any information you will be tormented as to whether or not this is because she is just being hostile, or maybe because she wants to just dump it in her past and try to move on, or because there is a lot more that she doesn’t want to come out. You can never know any of that for sure, so it can’t really serve you in your own processing and moving forward.
She will be probably shocked by what is going on in her life, despite being part of the cause of it all, some people in affairs never think through what the real consequences will look like if/ when they are found out, however obvious it is to those on the outside. It’s a way of avoiding guilt and a desire to discard any teality based thoughts which come between them and continuation of the affair. I personally wouldn’t contact the OW, but if you feel you really have to, just remember you are talking to a proven liar with their own agenda who are not exactly in a good place mentally, then treat what you are told accordingly and with huge pinches of salt. Take care of yourself at all times. X

You've seen the most honest your going to get out of them.
She will either lie to: protect herself
Protect him
Or protect what she thought they had
And that will either make her lie.or embellish or downright make it up if she then means to hurt you.
No truth will come.

I would avoid any contact with OW. She will likely embellish things and make you feel rubbish.

You've got their true feelings on the email. Anything else will be said to destroy you.

She wants your crumbs, remember.

Good luck

My own feeling is that it would be better to initiate a temporary situation , give it 6 months and see how it goes. If he rushes off the OW I think you have your answer- it's much easier I feel having been in a position like this (but different) to reflect , heal and then see how you feel with some distance between you. I didn't do that and found it very hard to actually get a clear head whilst they were so in your face- and the problem is if they don't want to split they often ramp up the being nice, presents, making plans and I personally didn't want that , as I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to actually be in the relationship- so found the desperation very off putting

Good job 💐

@RaeraeH Yep I think that's how you have to be. I think finding the anger within can be a very good thing and stops you rushing into making instant and sometimes poor choices. I saw my Hs stuff written down too so I totally know how you feel. In my case it was a mixture of disbelief, sadness and rage to take me for such a mug