DHa Affair revealed

[RaeraeH]

I am in shock and trying to get my head round the discovery (or revealing) of my husbands affair. The OWs DH found an email discussion between OW and my H which makes clear the two of them are in love and it seems to have been going on for around 18 months, possibly longer. They have had sex before but not within the past year, which the emails state however it seems it has continued emotionally on and off.
A week ago OWs DH found me on Instagram and contacted to inform me of what he had discovered and subsequently has shared said email discussion with me which was heartbreaking to read.
Things like he's only with me for our 3 kids and he wishes to be on her arms, will always be there for her etc :(
I'm reeling. We've been together for 20 years and he's been an incredible husband overall.
H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.
From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

Ok I realise I may get flamed for this but here goes. Op you absolutely do not deserve what you going through, that this has happened is devastating for you and rightly so. And what happens now is entirely what's best for you moving forward and is totally your choice. All that said you do have to accept some culpability, you've admitted that the physical side of your relationship has been lacking for 5 years, and that you knew your husband was unhappy with that, but you did nothing to address that, you buried your head in the sand. That does not mean it was ok for him to do what he did, at all, but it does form part of the whole picture that you have to consider. Ultimately it's up to you what you decide to do, everyone has opinions but the choices are yours and yours alone. Good luck op and be strong x

@Lizzt2007 I respect your opinion but cheating is the responsibility of the cheat, nobody else. Whatever OP did it didn’t do is irrelevant, he could have left the relationship, told OP he could not live this way and would need to seek sex elsewhere. It was not a good enough reason to put her sexual and mental health at risk without her knowledge or consent, that is abusive behaviour. To insinuate that she is partly responsible for this is victim blaming. There is no excuse whatsoever for lying to, deceiving and putting your partner’s mental and physical health at risk in this way. Cheating is 100% the choice and responsibility of the cheat.
The roles played in a marriage are a side issue, OP is responsible for her 50% of her marriage. That is all she is responsible for. She is not responsible for anybody else’s behaviour, nobody is. Adults are responsible for their own conduct and nobody forced him to cheat, it was not his only option. There is no excuse ever for choosing to abuse another human being. OP has no ‘culpability’ here, none. She didn’t make him do anything, he chose to of his own free will. She’s his wife, not his policeman. Thinking like this excuses men to treat women like shit if men perceive for one minute that if they don’t think they are getting enough sex it is justified to sleep around and lie about it. No excuses for cheats, none.

Make sure you stay in the driving seat OP.

I went through an extremely similar experience with my DH a few years ago.

I cant describe the pain. I felt totally bereft , and that he had stomped over everything i held sacred. I had some dark desperate thoughts.

I was devastated at the loss of my family unit.

I threw him out and a little while later he realised what he had lost and wanted to return.

He had got greedy and wanted too much from me ... we had small children, i was working in a very emotionally stressful job , and he wanted a great sex life.

I took him back and it was the strongest bravest thing I have ever done because everyone else felt that i was being a "mug".

However I knew what was right for me and my children.

I agreed to take him back , but took it very slowly and insisted he did not live with me or the children for six months.

I needed to show him we couldn't just pick up from where we left , and he needed to show me that i was worth him working with this arrangement.
It was also a way of protecting me and our DC , and the time while he lived separately gave me the opportunity to nurture myself.

Eventually i was ready for him to move back in and I don't regret it for a second.

I know he loves me and i love him and trying to save our marriage was the right thing for me.

Have the courage to do what is right for you.

If I had listened to everyone else's opinions i would be laid here unhappy and lost .

Don't be rushed- allow yourself time to feel your feelings and that way , you can then move forward.

When the time is right you will know what you need to do.

This pain will pass.

And @Thewookiemustgo you are completely right.

There is no excuse for cheating or inflicting that pain on anyone.

One of the things I told my DH was that in trying with our marriage he could never expect to have a time frame on how long it would take me to recover.

If he wanted to come back he had to accept that emotionally i was sad, lost, angry, empty and extremely anxious for a long time.
Those we're feelings that i had to sit with- and i made it very clear that he would have to sit with the impact those emotions had on me and on our relationship.
It was rocky as I vented so much hurt towards him and so that made emotional and physical intimacy hard.

I held him accountable and willl always hold him accountable for the pain he caused.
Im not perfect by a long shot but as @Thewookiemustgo said , there are options and choices in a relationship.

@RaeraeH You need time to process it but a good friend of mine went through similar. Decided to try etc and did for years not months but in her words the betrayal never went away and she couldn't get out of her head the picture of him being in bed with the OW.

He had been the model husband since so when she told him she couldn't go on he was devastated. She says it was the best decision and wishes she hadn't wasted those years after the affair and should have gone for divorce then.

BTW...she has really happy now and recently remarried

@Sunflowergirl1 it was the opposite for me.

Im so thankful i had the strength to ignore everyone around me and go with my gut.

Bottom of is doing what's right for you.

Hi OP
Your thread popped into my head as I was driving back from work today. Thought I would check in - how are you doing?