DHa Affair revealed

Don't make quick decisions OP. Don't promise him anything-he may try to pressurise you for a quick response, so that he feels a bit better.
Be aware that if you stay it's possible that you will regret it down the line.
It's possible he won't change, just say that he will (and possibly mean it at the moment).

Just take your time and allow it to settle in your head.

OP I think we always try to rationalise these things and make sense of it all. Why would he invest time and energy with her if there is no sex? Why does he say he wants to be with me if he says he lives her? Etc.
I think humans are way more nuanced and complicated than this. I suspect he loves you in some capacity. You are stable and his home base. He likes his home set up enough to not want to lose it. He probably feels excitement around the affair. This makes him feel stimulated regardless of whether there is sex. It makes him feel wanted and validated himself to himself as someone of value. He possibly doesn't even know fully what he feels about either of you because in all honesty, he isn't thinking about that and has gone with the short term immediate satisfaction of instant gratification over long term stability and life because there is more spark and stimulation in affairs than in the mostly day to day humdrum of regular life with all the dcs activities and dirty towels and clearing away plates etc.
You need to decide what you want. You could do with therapy to help you deal with the emotional turmoil this has caused and to stabilise your confidence. Nothing of this is likely to do with you and anything inadequate about you.

Oh stop. The OWs DH is trying to navigate this just like the OP is. It's not exactly odd to tell the OP. Many many people would want to be told and he may well be one of them. Why would you take such a nasty approach as to blame him for anything?

@DJhowzy wow your post is very insightful

@RaeraeH

Never mind all the ifs, buts and maybe's

How could you ever trust him again?

Divorce him for gods sake and have some respect for yourself ❤️

He knew that OPs husband had no intention of leaving her.

How does telling her help him feeling better? Unless his intention was to destroy the marriage of the man his wife was in love with. See what a man’s bruised ego can do!

He knew that OPs husband had no intention of leaving her. This is nothing more than a child throwing his toys out of the pram.

Why are you trying to silence a women with an opinion? Try some critical thinking 🧐

This doesn’t sound like a man that loves you. It sounds like a man trying to protect his reputation after the OW denied him sex and aired his dirty secret. If she hadn’t he’d still be having sex with her and exchanging disparaging messages about his relationship with you. It’s up to you but honestly? You deserve more than trying to engage in the mental gymnastics that end in you trying to forgive until the next time. He hasn’t been punished and doesn’t expect to be either - if you take him back you’re punishing yourself imo. Sorry if this sounds harsh I feel really awful for you - it's not fair at all. It just makes me so sad the shit we are willing to put up with and how even after everything we’re willing to turn the cheek for another slap.

You begin by screening out any contact or information coming from OW and OH!!! What on earth was the need for OH to tell you such hurtful details. What’s in it for them to do this apart from turmoil?

Then concentrate on your marriage and DH with him alone. Affairs happen. Temptation especially during a long relationship. It’s what the future is now for you both. Neither of you need their part in it. Just you and he and seeing how trust is. Between you

God. The sex was "mindblowing" how old is he? 15? He's a father of 3 for heavens sake.
I'd have lost all respect for him at this stage.
Reminds me of my very middle aged ex husband suddey deciding he needed to go out wearing latex and going to fetish clubs. He was very soon my ex I can tell you.

OP I would sit down with him and ask him all of these questions initially and then decide if there is anything left worth saving / fighting for. Sadly in most cases the person having the affair will always try and blame their partner for ‘making them turn to somebody else’ for what they need. Be ready for that OP. If you decide you want to save your marriage, marriage guidance will explore this further.

So sorry this has happened to you, other posters are right in that you need to decide what you want and if you can forgive him, broken trust takes years to build up after an affair and it’s never entirely forgotten.

best wishes OP.

If he loved you he wouldn’t have done this. That’s all you need to know x

OP, your DH and his OW cared quite a lot about keeping a secret, for nearly two years. Now you know the secret. Who else knows? Your DH’s parents and siblings? Friends you share? What about your friends on SM? I do wonder how “connected” and “mind blowing” your DH relationship with his OW will feel when everyone is in on the secret. Might feel a tad less exciting. Don’t HELP him keep secret by keeping it quiet. Sharing it, as you have, here will provide you with love and support.

Oh, because OP's cheating arsehole doesn't want the expense & inconvenience of a divorce, it's ok to keep OP in the dark?

What about her right to an informed decision?

Whenever a woman posts here about a cheating H, to ask if she should inform the husband of his AP, the vast majority of PP say yes. That poster is never accused of only doing so because of a ego.

Interesting that you double down with "a man's bruised ego".
Why do you think his hurt feelings are less than a woman's?

That would be the end for me because he’s implying he’ll stay with you but once dc are grown he’ll leave. I want to be with someone I’ll grow old with not be worrying he’ll leave as soon as my youngest hits 18.

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you.

Who gives a fuck about the H's intentions?

It's not necessarily going to be his decision.

Critical thinking? Don't make me laugh. Yours own thinking seems to run "the cheat doesn't want his marriage to blow up, so I'll collude with that to make sure he gets what he wants."

What about what his WIFE wants?
What about her right to facts, & her own choices?

None of the women were hurt in this situation until he let his ego get in the way. One was in love with another man and the other new nothing about the affair.

I can tell you feel quite passionately about this. But you seem to be miss quoting me. Could you as MN to delete and then apologise.

I’ll respond to your post once you’ve done that because I’ll know your serious about having a discussion on here x

From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin

I'd leave him.
He's using you both and she put a stop to the physical side of it because she knew he was using her.

Dont let him use you too.

Dump him because you will NEVER be able to trust him again.

He is a liar and a cheat.

I couldn’t forgive or forget this level of betrayal. The OW is now single. You could spend the next few years limping along, trying not to let it eat away at you everyday, for him to leave you when he considers the kids to be old enough. Let him go OP.

Using children as pawns to get back at the other parent is awful!

You ask how he can be begging you to take him back even though he's said those things to her - he's compartmentalised these two aspects of his life. The fact that he hasn't had sex with her for ages sounds like the relationship is an emotional affair, a fantasy, for them both, but it was on her terms.Now he's been forced to choose he's come back down to earth.
I would say that you hold all the cards but take your time. And don't tell too many people IRL yet as you may feel rushed into making decisions before you're ready. This is for you to decide what's best for your family.

@Howtostart - clever. And if both aggrieved spouses did it the affair would be over and the divorce a fair bit more realistic.

Kids were not used as pawns for one moment. They were completely unaware. All they knew was that granny needed looking after. ..and they were looked after by their dad. Who had full care of them for 5 weeks while mum was away. It was his business so had to WFH not with OW . They kids never met her.

I think this website might be helpful reading...
livingwithlimerence.com

To understand how he and therefore you be in this terrible situation.

This page is relevant once you've read up on it

livingwithlimerence.com/what-to-do-if-you-are-married-but-limerent-for-someone-else/