DHa Affair revealed

[RaeraeH]

I am in shock and trying to get my head round the discovery (or revealing) of my husbands affair. The OWs DH found an email discussion between OW and my H which makes clear the two of them are in love and it seems to have been going on for around 18 months, possibly longer. They have had sex before but not within the past year, which the emails state however it seems it has continued emotionally on and off.
A week ago OWs DH found me on Instagram and contacted to inform me of what he had discovered and subsequently has shared said email discussion with me which was heartbreaking to read.
Things like he's only with me for our 3 kids and he wishes to be on her arms, will always be there for her etc :(
I'm reeling. We've been together for 20 years and he's been an incredible husband overall.
H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.
From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

Are in... Not be in!

OWs husband was/is absolutely furious. I think mention of his ego is spot on. He seemed to act without thinking initially and wanted H to suffer as he was and to lose his family. The situation blew up from the outset.
The other H and I are in contact by message and he says that OW feels he doesn't love me and that if we stay together, she knows its only for the children which is what she expected anyway.
It seems there is a confidence to her about his feelings for her, in spite of knowing he wasn't planning to leave me.
H is trying to play down his feelings and said he enjoyed the fantasy of it all. The emails are pretty damning though and their bond appears strong. At one point he says that his connection with her is on a different level to anything else he has experienced. Reading that was like being stabbed :(

Your insights on this are invaluable. Thank you.

Hopefully you take this as intended..

I’m sure to some extend it was all a big fantasy, away from the stress of real life - to be honest though, none of that stuff is actually relevant to YOU, - it is all about HIM and what He wants / doesn’t want.

You need to think about YOU and how you feel and throw the fucker out so you can get some headspace away from his pathetic apologies.

If your friend, sister, mother, aunt etc came to you saying their partner had systematically cheated and lied for months, what would you tell them?

The one upside here is that you have the full picture via the emails. You have seen the truth of his deceit.

The fact that he is minimising this early on rather than taking responsibility for his actions is a clear sign that he’s not really sorry.

He’s waiting for this to ‘blow over’ then he’ll be back fooling around with her again behind your back. Are they still in touch?

Also I’d stop contact with the husband of the OW. You now have all the information that you need.

He has his own agenda, don’t let that cloud yours. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

To echo what everyone else has said about taking time to think about what you want, this x100.

FWIW my Dad had a multi-year (decades) on off affair which was discovered in the ‘on’ phase by my Mum when I was 18. Both my Dad and the AP were hoping to make a go of it at the point of discovery.

My parents ended up staying together and although the first year or so of reconciliation was shaky they are very happy as a unit 20 years on. They didn’t have the internet resources or the counselling suggested, I think they white knuckled their way through it. Contact with AP ceased at once though, and I don’t believe my Mum spoke to AP’s other half either.

I think that is important, both the AP and AP’s OH have an agenda (as mentioned by a PP) and continued contact may do more harm than good.

I know compartmentalising and fantasy was a huge part of it for my Dad. I never for a second growing up doubted that he loved my Mum and I don’t think she did either- the 6 months or so before D-Day were tense but I think if things have been good between you and DH (I note you describe him as ‘incredible’) then that is really important.

Im sorry I know I’m rambling, but I hope you can take some comfort that there are lots of internet strangers rooting for you.

Forgot to add to my above post - I’m not sure I would put my stock in who was willing to leave who etc because of the fantasy and compartmentalising aspect. Although at the end my Dad wanted to leave I don’t think that is what he wanted. As my Mum left for a couple of weeks after D-Day it was just me and him.

The limerence (new word for me!) faded very quickly and the things I had overheard as evidence - my dad said it sounded like the speech and writing of a stranger.

I actually agree with this, him being very handsome, and the ow maybe somehow engineering the split with her husband, another way to see of op's husband will leave his wife.
I've a feeling she's into him more than he is into her, I think op's husband is punishing op for the lack of sex and adornment so he's got himself a new best friend.
The initial sex kept her captive for her to be dangled on a string just being a friend, I have a feeling she'd have sex tommorow.

No I think her husband knew full well his wife was in love with op's husband.

This ow is infatuated and doesn't give a shit that her husband has gone.

I think the husband was warning op of the strength of his wife's feeling's for her handsome husband.

Nobody just finding themselves in this situation needs comments about self respect. It's aggressive.

The emails are pretty damning though and their bond appears strong. At one point he says that his connection with her is on a different level to anything else he has experienced.

Oh, Raerae, that is absolutely gutting.

He sustained such deep emotional intimacy with OW for almost 2 years, yet now he is minimizing that to manipulate you. This is not true remorse, transparency, honesty or respect, and indicates that he is not a good risk for a successful reconciliation.

You now know what he is capable of, RaeRae. Can you move forward with this devious adulterer who so easily and seamlessly carried on his fake devoted husband/family man act while romancing his emotional mistress?

You’d be wise to send him away for the time being. He needs to experience a sharp consequence for his betrayal. His toxic presence is muddying your space as you process your feelings and make decisions. Get him out so you can breathe and think.

You've all the proof you need.from his behaviour.from the emails.length. and how he is being now! He is minimising it.excuses.no hang your head in shame and just be fucking sorry because you did WRONG.wrong.wrong.
Fantasy of what?oh.yeh an affair.well that ain't great.fantasy.fuck sake what end of that sentence can ever be forgivable.
And you mentioned you not having sex as a reason almost earlier @RaeraeH but it never is.never.and she was with holding it anyway so he was still with her.
For nearly 2 years he's chosen another woma over you and your kids.
For a Fantasy oh fuck off you disgusting man.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. For me it wouldn't necessarily be the sex I couldn't get over especially if that part of our relationship had been sliding but the emotional element.

I wouldn't ever be able to get the words he said and feelings he has out of my mind and I don't think I could regain any sense of security in our relationship again.

It sounds very much like they think they are in "love". I wouldn't want my husband to stay with me for the kids as heartbreaking as separating would be.

Since she is single now I would be terrified that he would end up leaving me anyway and the affair would continue.

I would ask him to leave and give your self some space. Get legal advice and counselling as soon as possible to give yourself a safe space to work through this.

I don't think it's fair to dismiss the AP's husband's feelings as onl ego.

Why shouldn't/ wouldn't he be equally devastated at finding out his wife is having an affair?

We haven't had sex much over the past 5 years, probably on average once a month which I know he wasn't happy with.

I actually think once a month for a couple together 20 yes with 3 kids is not bad at all.

Just in case you think it's justification at all op.

*20 years

I think he is devastated, he knows full well how his wife feels and he has been discarded.

The op's husband though has yet to show what he wants, looks like he doesn't like is ow as much as his home comforts and money at the moment.

His bit on the side is going to be dissapointed.

I don't know I just have a feeling that the ow feels more invested in this than op's husband, even with those e mails.

Women don't have 2 year affairs without falling out of love with the husband, men I've found can compartmentalise more, and think they are in love with both women.

All supposition.

This buf also; anyone who inserts themselves into someone's marriage (invited or not, obviously in cheating situations they are always invited) in that manner, knowingly fucking and romancing someone's spouse; whom they know is none the wiser .... Thereby helping to remove their agency in their own life, helping to remove their true consent to sex with their partner etc ...... Deserves both fucking barrels in the head.

When it comes to married couples like this, I think the phrase "you treaty marriage like it's meaningless, I'll treat your the same".

Obviously the "wayward spouse" is more at fault in both couples but the cheating partner - if they knowingly do it - can't expect others to respect their privacy in such circumstances; it's open season. Don't cheat if you don't want someone exposing your cheating. Especially someone you're helping to fuck over.

"At one point he says that his connection with her is on a different level to anything else he has experienced"

I couldn't get beyond that tbh. Either it's true in which case the relationship between you has been fatally undermined, or he's willing to lie to a woman about something like this to get a shag.

I don't think he's worth your time. Concentrate on your DC.

*knowingly fucking and romancing someone's spouse; knowing the someone is none the wiser ...

Would be a clearer way of phrasing that

*When it comes to married couples like this, I think the phrase "you treat my marriage like it's meaningless, I'll treat yours the same".

In terms of the begging to stay op; there could be a no of reasons for it, bit I think it's worth pointing out that in my experience one of them if often just regaining/retaining control & choice.

They are used to having that control and choice, and they want to remain in that position. Ie if anyone's leaving anyone, it will be them ... If they want to, when they want to, how they want to.

People will often say anything to regain to status quo of control & choice. They very much panic when they think they are losing it.

Just another thought about the ow's husband - you have absolutely no idea what was going on in that marriage. People often have exit affairs, if their own marriage is in a bad place. I would be wary of having too much input from the husband, other than what he's told you already.

The only thing you need to look at here is whether you will ever feel that you can trust him or build a relationship going forward. As I said earlier, I don't it's possible after something like this, but you'll have to work through it and find your way.

Absolutely. 👏👏👏

This struck a chord. Rings true of him I think.