DHa Affair revealed

[RaeraeH]

I am in shock and trying to get my head round the discovery (or revealing) of my husbands affair. The OWs DH found an email discussion between OW and my H which makes clear the two of them are in love and it seems to have been going on for around 18 months, possibly longer. They have had sex before but not within the past year, which the emails state however it seems it has continued emotionally on and off.
A week ago OWs DH found me on Instagram and contacted to inform me of what he had discovered and subsequently has shared said email discussion with me which was heartbreaking to read.
Things like he's only with me for our 3 kids and he wishes to be on her arms, will always be there for her etc :(
I'm reeling. We've been together for 20 years and he's been an incredible husband overall.
H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.
From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

[LooseGoose22]

*deceive their partner

[RaeraeH]

Thanks all again.
H has been crying and begging for forgiveness, and made a big fuss of mothers day with gifts etc.
He's staying at his mums at the moment - I told him I need space. He swears blind he will never speak to OW again and has changed his phone number, blocked her on social media etc (he showed me this).
So all those words and connection and he's willing to cut her off just like that. There was no indication from their previous conversation that he wanted to end it and no evidence of him feeling guilty or anything. I feel he's treated two women like shit. I just can't see I'll be able to move past it.

BTW i don't believe the discovery was engineered by OW at all. Her H seems the controlling type - it seems he had suspected for a while and has been keeping an eye on her. He managed to hack her emails and then all hell broke loose.

[ShellsOnTheBeach]

He is drowning and will do and say anything to get you to hold out the oar and allow him to climb back on board.

Till the next time he fancies going for a swim...

[LooseGoose22]

So all those words and connection and he's willing to cut her off just like that.

Let's face it, he can unblock her make new accounts, give her his new number etc etc any time he likes.

Some ow won't forgive such behaviour, many will.

All this is just immature, high drama, demonstrative rubbish.

[LooseGoose22]

Her H seems the controlling type - it seems he had suspected for a while and has been keeping an eye on her.

Well, suspecting (correctly) your spouse is shagging someone else and carrying on an emotional affair would make anyone "controlling".

I wouldn't assume he's controlling, I'd assume his instincts and spidey senses etc were pinging and naturally started looking into her communications. The fact he suspected and dug while you apparently hasn't suspected and haven't dug; suggests your h is a rather good liar and deceiver.

[LooseGoose22]

*haven't

[LooseGoose22]

*I feel he's treated two women like shit.

You're anog person, op, to be able to consider that she has been led on, deceived etc as well

Many of the women I've seen on here would not have the slightest sympathy for her or fairness towards her.

I'm going to get flamed but I honestly think most women, the majority, have affairs for emotional etc reasons, not for sex. Whereas many (most?) men have them for extra sex with a different person (and they perhaps catch some feelings, but that's not their primary motivator and they're often disregarded easily). That means many women who cheat are a bit vulnerable, in a way that very few men are vulnerable. They often cheat to try to "monkey branch" to a new partner because they are fundamental unhappy but not breave enough to leave "cold turkey" as it were.... Or they're unhappy but don't seek an affair partner, rather get pulled in by one if he makes the moves. Like ow who are single, they are often fed a script to convince them that there is a potential relationship there, and they will be in a couple with this guy, and he has feelings for them.

I think you're "lucky" you saw that in black and white, but also that you're a big enough, fair enough person to acknowledge it, and not just get caught up in the vitriol and pick me that many women do.

[LooseGoose22]

*You're a big person!

[LooseGoose22]

So all those words and connection and he's willing to cut her off just like that.

Sorry, just to add - there's a temptation to say "what he said was untrue because he hadn't left, wasnt (apparently?) going to leave, and now - on discovery - has cut her off and doesn't want to leave. But. .. . things are not that simple; people may feel a certain way bit those feelings may not be worth the sacrifice and cost of fulfillment as it were. So it's perfectly possible he felt like that (affair fog related, or not) but acting on those feelings fully, to their ultimate conclusion is still not worth the sacrifice and cost to him. Of breaking up his marriage, of splitting his marital resources 50-50, of losing his partner of 20 years and mother of his kids, whom he may very well still love to some extent/in some ways ... And probably seeing her move on to another partner sooner or later, of co-parenting on his own, with a new partner, of having his kids potentially step parented by/living with another man, of the shock, disapprove and criticism of his family, of the change of status from settled, family man to separated and divorced man, of the status quo etc. etc. etc. There is just so much. So I wouldn't say his words/feelings could not be true just because he feels they're not worth the sacrifices he'd have to make to follow through on them to their ultimate conclusion (leave and pursue a relationship with ow).

[LooseGoose22]

Men can be very pragmatic in that regard. The feelings could well have been "true" but honouring those feelings is just not worth the costs.

People rarely leave their status quo, if they have any choice in the matter.

[LooseGoose22]

As an aside, I wouldn't be too sure your h won't fall back into contact with ow after he thinks danger is past.

That's two years of an affair that he wasn't going to end himself.

(That's if she lets him, of course. The "I couldn't do it to my kids, not til they're older" "she was going to gsrm herself/end up being committed" etc lines will be utilised to effect one would imagine).

[Hoplesscynic]

He's cut contact, blocked, changed numbers... Only because he got caught!
Mother's day gifts, tears - Only because he got caught!
OP if he really loved you, he wouldn't have even started the affair knowing he would/could lose you. He didn't give a shit though, did he and carried on doing this to you. Now suddenly he's "realised" how much you mean to him🙄

[Thewookiemustgo]

@RaeraeH the decision is entirely yours, don’t be swayed by anything he says or does, it may well be real or it may well be bullshit, only time will tell. It’s early days yet and dynamics behind the scenes that you can’t see might change. The OW and her husband’s dynamic might change, literally a combination of anything could happen next. So put yourself first. The lying can be at its peak at the beginning of discovery, because they are desperately trying to control a situation which is now spiralling madly out of control and didn’t plan for it or even expect it. He’s been lying for so long to control it all, that lying now to try to pull it all back under control won’t even touch the sides of what’s left of his conscience, but I can guarantee you it’s making him squirm now he can’t make the lies he told himself to justify it all stack up. If you don’t think you can work through it (there’s no ‘getting past it’, it happened, it would need working through and forgiveness, even with sincere reconciliation, takes a long time.) then start protecting yourself now, look seriously at your future and get your finances straight. If he feels he has burned all his bridges he might start to feel less amicable. If he does, it will show you that fighting for you and sincerely wanting to do anything it takes was only on the surface. Take care and make your plan whatever you feel (it’s normal to swing between wanting to get rid and wanting to stay at this stage, the shock is appalling) so that you feel that you have the power here, because you do. Leaving or staying, it’s all on your terms and you call the shots, he forfeited the chance to compromise on anything now, your needs and wishes come first. A plan for what separation and/ or divorce will make you feel calmer and stronger and show him
that this is not going to get swept under the rug. Get legal advice and everything in order, ask for help from friends and relatives if you need it, it’s a lot to do when you are in shock and hurting so badly. Sending love X

[CaroleSinger]

@RaeraeH

Thanks all again.
H has been crying and begging for forgiveness, and made a big fuss of mothers day with gifts etc.
He's staying at his mums at the moment - I told him I need space. He swears blind he will never speak to OW again and has changed his phone number, blocked her on social media etc (he showed me this).
So all those words and connection and he's willing to cut her off just like that. There was no indication from their previous conversation that he wanted to end it and no evidence of him feeling guilty or anything. I feel he's treated two women like shit. I just can't see I'll be able to move past it.

BTW i don't believe the discovery was engineered by OW at all. Her H seems the controlling type - it seems he had suspected for a while and has been keeping an eye on her. He managed to hack her emails and then all hell broke loose.

The trouble is he's only crying and begging because you found out. Remind yourself of how he was behaving before you found out. Wasn't too tearful then, was he? He found it quite easy to live with the hurtful things he said about you to the other woman. Have you arranged any tests out of interest? It might be wise to be safe.

[billy1966]

@LooseGoose22

Her H seems the controlling type - it seems he had suspected for a while and has been keeping an eye on her.

Well, suspecting (correctly) your spouse is shagging someone else and carrying on an emotional affair would make anyone "controlling".

I wouldn't assume he's controlling, I'd assume his instincts and spidey senses etc were pinging and naturally started looking into her communications. The fact he suspected and dug while you apparently hasn't suspected and haven't dug; suggests your h is a rather good liar and deceiver.

Too right.

He did exactly what any woman that in this case rightly suspected their spouse of an affair, would be advised to do on MN.

Watch, wait, dig around....

Also @LooseGoose22 is bang on the money about loss of control.

There is no harder crying to be done than by somone whom has been rightly caught out, and is having THEIR choices all whipped away from them.

18 months this bullshit has been going on with his talk of mind blowing sex and the greatest connection ever?

Whilst smiling into the face of the mother of his children?

In your place I would honestly wonder if I had ever known him.

OP, you will NEVER trust him again.

You deserve so much better.

Let him cry his tears for HIMSELF on his own time.

[AmandaHoldensLips]

I do think that, if you are able to, it would be beneficial for you to take yourself off somewhere to think things through without any distractions. A week away, or even a few days, to give yourself some room for perspective.

He can take care of the kids and the household routine.

I know that it helped me when I was in a big decision situation. It also demonstrated my "invisible" role with all the shit that he didn't have to do.

[RaeraeH]

@LooseGoose22

*You're a big person!

Thank you ❤

[RaeraeH]

Your insights are unbelievable, thanks to all of you.
Can't tell you how much its helping.

I have arranged STD tests yes (today as it happens, prompted by my sister). Everything is so bloody surreal.

Doesn't help that OW is very attractive/beautiful physically either. Opposite to me looks wise/height/colour hair/skin. Same age though pretty much.

[RaeraeH]

@LooseGoose22

Men can be very pragmatic in that regard. The feelings could well have been "true" but honouring those feelings is just not worth the costs.

People rarely leave their status quo, if they have any choice in the matter.

This is nail on the head!

[LooseGoose22]

Doesn't help that OW is very attractive/beautiful physically either.

Well, for a beautiful woman, she's just gotten dumped by two men ... One (entirely fairly) cause he won't put up with her infidelity, and the other cause he has no intention (at this time anyway) of leaving his wife & family for her. And he's cut her off in a way where - if she has a grain of pride etc - he can't expect to schmooze her back too.

Which confirms looks aren't everything.
In fact they're rather irrelevant at times.

[Thewookiemustgo]

@LooseGoose22 by selectively quoting my post the thread is getting taken over, so I’m not going to post any more after this. You choose to believe ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ which is not true in every single case, not at all. I know five couples personally where it was a one off and they are years down the line now. It saddens me that people get labelled as unable to change or grow as a person, it is entirely possible. It still doesn’t mean they should be taken back after infidelity, that’s up to the individual couple, nobody else. Of course there could be many more who do not change, but I can’t possibly claim to know that any more than you can. Just because they are rare here dodgy mean they don’t exist. Of course you have your opinion, and I respect that and you are of course entitled to it, as am I mine. Far more women who decide or decided to leave post here than those who choose to stay, they get a far easier ride. It therefore skews the statistics here into seeming as if many more leave than stay after infidelity, where if surveys are to be believed, the reverse is true. The ones who stay are missing on MN and there’s a good reason for that, but so many actually exist. Those who believe that in the right circumstances (very hard to achieve, granted) that reconciliation is possible, or want to just give it a try rarely post here, for obvious reasons. I get many, many private messages from OPs who asked for advice on here after discovering infidelity and don’t know what to do, who for fear of getting criticised daren’t post any more on their thread or daren’t update that they decided to try reconciliation. Recently someone posted on an old thread where the OP hadn’t posted for a while that they were worried about them, hoped they were ok and then said that they hoped that the OP’s disappearance didn’t mean she’d taken her husband back. If she had taken him back, she’d never post again after a comment like that. Not everyone repeats the disasters they create in their relationships over and over. They learn about themselves and do better. Nobody can pretend that they know every single person who has ever cheated did it more than once, it’s impossible for anybody to know that. Of course there are serial cheaters, selfish entitled men with little empathy, and nobody in their right mind would stay with men like that. When anyone does anything which they know is wrong, to any extent, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily have ingrained irredeemable character traits, or that they are inherently bad people. It is absolutely possible to recognise your flaws and weaknesses and change your behaviour, work to be a better person. Everyone should be doing it every day. Some people just refuse to change and continue their pattern of cheating or stealing or drug use or gambling or whatever it is that is destroying their lives. Sad but until the penny drops change won’t take place. But it doesn’t mean that it never does, or that it can’t. At no point did I suggest the OP ‘should’ do anything except what is appropriate for the OP, whatever that may be. I have put that throughout my posts but you’ve chosen to ignore it. Reconciliation isn’t popular on MN and it’s not for everyone, not at all, but I’m prepared to put an opposite view because otherwise the tidal wave of ‘once a cheater’ and ‘LTB’ marginalises and shames those who want to try to save their marriage, thus silencing them and closing down an avenue of possible support. Not what MN is supposed to be about. Not everybody does want change, and not everyone who cheats even wants to change, but anyone can be a safe partner if they choose to. Sadly for the ones who do, when the penny drops, their desire to do this comes too late after they have irreparably damaged their relationships. I’m no advocate for reconciliation in all circumstances, by a long, long way, but OP at first had said that she’d not decided what to do and was struggling. I put an alternative, with a big, big, caveat, and nothing more. It is up to OP what she does, nobody else.

[Itsgottobeme]

Oh please.begging forgiveness after 18 months
Blocking won't talk to her.after 18months.
He's just been caught.
He's too old too.lazy to want to start up all over again.thst would be messy.spenny.fanily,friends,work,god can you imagine bless him... Can't give up on his comfort blanket now.
Fuck off.
Lying rat

[LooseGoose22]

@Thewookiemustgo

@LooseGoose22 by selectively quoting my post the thread is getting taken over, so I’m not going to post any more after this. You choose to believe ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ which is not true in every single case, not at all. I know five couples personally where it was a one off and they are years down the line now. It saddens me that people get labelled as unable to change or grow as a person, it is entirely possible. It still doesn’t mean they should be taken back after infidelity, that’s up to the individual couple, nobody else. Of course there could be many more who do not change, but I can’t possibly claim to know that any more than you can. Just because they are rare here dodgy mean they don’t exist. Of course you have your opinion, and I respect that and you are of course entitled to it, as am I mine. Far more women who decide or decided to leave post here than those who choose to stay, they get a far easier ride. It therefore skews the statistics here into seeming as if many more leave than stay after infidelity, where if surveys are to be believed, the reverse is true. The ones who stay are missing on MN and there’s a good reason for that, but so many actually exist. Those who believe that in the right circumstances (very hard to achieve, granted) that reconciliation is possible, or want to just give it a try rarely post here, for obvious reasons. I get many, many private messages from OPs who asked for advice on here after discovering infidelity and don’t know what to do, who for fear of getting criticised daren’t post any more on their thread or daren’t update that they decided to try reconciliation. Recently someone posted on an old thread where the OP hadn’t posted for a while that they were worried about them, hoped they were ok and then said that they hoped that the OP’s disappearance didn’t mean she’d taken her husband back. If she had taken him back, she’d never post again after a comment like that. Not everyone repeats the disasters they create in their relationships over and over. They learn about themselves and do better. Nobody can pretend that they know every single person who has ever cheated did it more than once, it’s impossible for anybody to know that. Of course there are serial cheaters, selfish entitled men with little empathy, and nobody in their right mind would stay with men like that. When anyone does anything which they know is wrong, to any extent, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily have ingrained irredeemable character traits, or that they are inherently bad people. It is absolutely possible to recognise your flaws and weaknesses and change your behaviour, work to be a better person. Everyone should be doing it every day. Some people just refuse to change and continue their pattern of cheating or stealing or drug use or gambling or whatever it is that is destroying their lives. Sad but until the penny drops change won’t take place. But it doesn’t mean that it never does, or that it can’t. At no point did I suggest the OP ‘should’ do anything except what is appropriate for the OP, whatever that may be. I have put that throughout my posts but you’ve chosen to ignore it. Reconciliation isn’t popular on MN and it’s not for everyone, not at all, but I’m prepared to put an opposite view because otherwise the tidal wave of ‘once a cheater’ and ‘LTB’ marginalises and shames those who want to try to save their marriage, thus silencing them and closing down an avenue of possible support. Not what MN is supposed to be about. Not everybody does want change, and not everyone who cheats even wants to change, but anyone can be a safe partner if they choose to. Sadly for the ones who do, when the penny drops, their desire to do this comes too late after they have irreparably damaged their relationships. I’m no advocate for reconciliation in all circumstances, by a long, long way, but OP at first had said that she’d not decided what to do and was struggling. I put an alternative, with a big, big, caveat, and nothing more. It is up to OP what she does, nobody else.

There is no way I'm reading all that .... And I already know the tune that you play in every thread on infidelity.
I recognise your username from previous threads.

You will peddle reconciliation because it's so close to your heart (though your insistence on doing so suggests you are actually not ok with it) and others, often including myself will feel compelled to counter balance the reconciliation schmaltz.

[billy1966]

@RaeraeH

This is nail on the head!

I also agree with this.

Men rarely leave on the hop, they invariably like to move on seamlessly to another comfortable set up, at THEIR discretion.

He's crying tears for himself, out of frustration and fury that this isn't on his time scale, at HIS convenience.

IMO someone prepared to wax lyrically to another woman for 18 months is not someone to bet your retirement on!

[LooseGoose22]

You choose to believe ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ which is not true in every single case, not at all. I know five couples personally where it was a one off and they are years down the line now.

Some people have standards that make once enough - it doesn't matter whether they repeat it or not

Incidentally from this forum alone I could raise your 5 considerably ... of the opposite scenario. They stayed, they got cheated on again and got left or left themselves.

(What was the gender of the cheaters in the 5 couples btw?)