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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

DHa Affair revealed

232 replies

RaeraeH · 18/03/2023 16:12

I am in shock and trying to get my head round the discovery (or revealing) of my husbands affair. The OWs DH found an email discussion between OW and my H which makes clear the two of them are in love and it seems to have been going on for around 18 months, possibly longer. They have had sex before but not within the past year, which the emails state however it seems it has continued emotionally on and off.
A week ago OWs DH found me on Instagram and contacted to inform me of what he had discovered and subsequently has shared said email discussion with me which was heartbreaking to read.
Things like he's only with me for our 3 kids and he wishes to be on her arms, will always be there for her etc :(
I'm reeling. We've been together for 20 years and he's been an incredible husband overall.
H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.
From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

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RaeraeH · 18/03/2023 16:13

Apologies, title should read DHs, not DHa. Are you able to correct please @mnhq?

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:19

H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.

You can safely ignore what your H wants.
What do YOU want?

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callthataspade · 18/03/2023 16:19

I'm sorry. What a shock this must be

I can't tell you what to do. But the fact it's been going on for so long and the no sex wasn't instigated by him doesn't bode well

The fact he's said he's only with you for the kids. To her. Would also be the death knell of any trust I had in him

this isn't a drunken snog. It's sustained deceit Over months and month.

Have you spoken to anyone in real life. Family or friends? What's your housing situation. Are you working? There are plenty of really knowledgeable people on these boards who can help practically.

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RaeraeH · 18/03/2023 16:25

I have no idea what I want at the moment other than to just run away from it all, which obviously I can't, I have to look after my kids.
We haven't had sex much over the past 5 years, probably on average once a month which I know he wasn't happy with. He's very handsome and charming and I love him but I haven't made much effort with the sexual side of things.
He says that's what was missing but the emails read like they have a very deep emotional connection.
That's the hardest bit. How can he be begging me to take him back when he's said all this to her ?? I can't make it make sense.

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RaeraeH · 18/03/2023 16:27

My parents know and my best friend. OWs H has left her.

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TheCatterall · 18/03/2023 16:28

For starters - you’re in shock. So no rushed or knee jerk reactions. No decisions you can’t come back from.

also - massive squishes @RaeraeH

I would probably be numb for a few days and operate on auto pilot

DH may be telling you some things but it’s often the case they minimise or restrict what they tell us so we never get the full story.

there’s ‘the script’ that may follow once affair is discovered.

denial
apology/ humble begging
then the anger and rewriting of history.

I personally couldn’t come back from such infidelity. Even if they are no longer physical as she’s given him the ultimatum of leaving you - they are still having a romantic relationship and had no intention of telling their partners were they not found out.

if you are wondering if your relationship could recover then I would discuss couples counselling.

I would also be taking stock of my financial and legal situation quietly away in case this is the end of your relationship path together.

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Parroteets · 18/03/2023 16:31

I don't think it does make sense. His bubble has burst, he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He wants to stay because it's easier, easier for HIM. You need to take some time to decide what you want to do, the best for you and your DC.

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TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:31

That's the hardest bit. How can he be begging me to take him back when he's said all this to her ?? I can't make it make sense.

He's not convinced the OW will leave her H for him.
He doesn't want to pay the cost of divorcing & splitting the assets.
He wants to have his cake & eat it.
He's playing a waiting game.
He wants the pair of you performing the Pick-Me Dance for him.

Any amount of reasons, none which will be concerned with your wellbeing or happiness.

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RaeraeH · 18/03/2023 16:36

OW was prepared to leave her husband apparently, but hadn't (yet). That choice regardless has been taken away from her because he has left her. So this is on my mind that OW is now single.
It's such a lot to deal with.
Financially H and I earn similar amounts and we don't have a huge amount of equity in our house. I will have to stay here with the children, maybe try to buy him out ?

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Clingthefilm · 18/03/2023 16:38

It would be over for me. You'll be forever wondering what made him love OW more than you and paranoid about whether they are still in contact. You'll always be wondering if someone ele is going to catch his eye, even if current OW disappears (unlikely- she'll be needing consoling after her partner left her).

You're supposed to be the one for him - he's made it clear you're not.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 18/03/2023 16:39

I don't think you can make a go of it if she is now single. He wants her, she is single, you are angry and hurt… It's inevitable that their relationship will start up again. I'm really really sorry. I know how shit this is.

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Helpmethanks · 18/03/2023 16:49

Sorry to hear this, surviving infidelity forum is excellent

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SpringViolet · 18/03/2023 16:51

You start by kicking him out if you haven’t already. You need space to process this without him in your face. If he had any remorse, he’d understand you need some time to work it out for yourself.

Also be interesting to see if he goes to the OW as she’s free now too.

It doesn’t matter if he wants to work though it. It’s what you want.

For me, I’d rather work through the grief of the relationship ending, than try to get over a betrayal of this scale. It will always be there and it’s obvious he cared more about this OW than you, his wife.

I couldn’t reconcile myself with that and the nagging suspicion he’d do it again. He only feels sorry now that he’s been found out and the fear of losing his comfortable way of life is in front of him.

What’s to stop him carrying in with her, if he’s so in love with her or someone else, later on down the line after you’ve tried to get over it and forgive him?

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Beaverbridge · 18/03/2023 16:56

So sorry love, like many others on this forum I've been where you are. Can still remember the lies, deceit horrible sick feeling like it was yesterday. But, he's now an ex, I wised up after a week, it was over for good. As someone else said she's now available so he, ll go to her. Who cares what or where he goes, concentrate on you and your kids. 💐.

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Luckyluv · 18/03/2023 17:00

I could get over a drunken one night stand but I couldn't get over an emotional affair.

We all have our own boundaries and they are different for everyone. You have to figure out what yours are.

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Summer2424 · 18/03/2023 17:10

Hi @RaeraeH i'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a shock to have found all this out. I think you'll need time to process this all then make a decision on what to do. You deserve better and what your husband done was wrong.
Sending you strength to get through this time x

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MarshaMelrose · 18/03/2023 17:12

This isn't about what anyone else would or did do in these circumstances. It's about you, how you feel about it, and how you move forward. In the first instance don't make any kneejerk actions or statements. Take your time and work through if or what you can forgive, live with, and what you want. Don't be rushed, don't listen to promises, put your realistic head on and make your decisions at your own pace. And remember that no decision is irrevocable.
I know 2 couples whose spouse cheated where they forgave them and they stayed together. One are still together 30 years later. The other split after a few months as he found he just couldn't trust her. Everyone's different.

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Cleargreysky · 18/03/2023 17:19

He’s lied to you and to her.

i wouldn’t want to be with a man who treated me like that.

i wouldn’t want to be with a man whose treated her like that.

He’s a man who thinks he’s justified lying to women to get/ keep them where he wants them.

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MidgeHardcastle · 18/03/2023 17:23

Remember he's only sorry because he's been found it. He hadn't ended it and it would still be happening if her DH hadn't told you; he would still be lying to you and humiliating you however much he's pleading etc. Hope you find the best solution

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XMissPlacedX · 18/03/2023 17:30

I would leave him before he leaves you tbh. Other woman would always know you finished with him then and that he didn't leave you for her, sorry if that's not helpful. Sorry your going through this , please don't do the ' pick me dance '.

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dottiedodah · 18/03/2023 17:31

Hes probably got cold feet, now that you have found out and she is single! He could have his fun with OW and return home to you before.Now he is facing reality ,Divorce ,half his pension/savings split(Rightly so)with you .Take time, talk it over with friends ,stay with your DP for a bit, maybe a short break with your bestie? Dont be rushed by what he wants!

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Cocobutt · 18/03/2023 17:32

I’m so sorry to hear this.

My only advice would be that it’s ok to take things slowly whilst you are dealing with it.

If you have a spare room he can stay in there and your DCs don’t need to know until you have worked through it in your head.

I don’t think buying him out eventually is a good idea.

You do need to be prepared that he will probably end up with the OW but they are both cheaters so I can’t see it being happy for very long.

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ProfessionalWeirdo · 18/03/2023 17:35

OP, how old are your children?

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determinedtomakethiswork · 18/03/2023 17:39

XMissPlacedX · 18/03/2023 17:30

I would leave him before he leaves you tbh. Other woman would always know you finished with him then and that he didn't leave you for her, sorry if that's not helpful. Sorry your going through this , please don't do the ' pick me dance '.

I agree with us. I wouldn't want them to think it was their decision.

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NorthernDrizzle · 18/03/2023 17:41

My friend had the same
Was called at work by a man she knew who told her that her DH and his DW were having an affair and were at her house. She left and the 2 of them found them- the other man had known for a long time

They didnt divorce although it was close. He then had a stroke following an accident about 3 years later and she has ended up as a carer. I think that she regrets not divorcing him.

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