DHa Affair revealed

[RaeraeH]

I am in shock and trying to get my head round the discovery (or revealing) of my husbands affair. The OWs DH found an email discussion between OW and my H which makes clear the two of them are in love and it seems to have been going on for around 18 months, possibly longer. They have had sex before but not within the past year, which the emails state however it seems it has continued emotionally on and off.
A week ago OWs DH found me on Instagram and contacted to inform me of what he had discovered and subsequently has shared said email discussion with me which was heartbreaking to read.
Things like he's only with me for our 3 kids and he wishes to be on her arms, will always be there for her etc :(
I'm reeling. We've been together for 20 years and he's been an incredible husband overall.
H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.
From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

Thanks so much to every one of you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate the advice and support.

Kids are 13 and 7 year old twins.

My head hasn't stopped spinning since I found out.

This sucks OP, I hope you're getting support from your family. Try to take some time out to get your head straight.

It all depends on if you want to try and save your marriage OP.

I would be asking him to leave just now while you get your head together. Take notes of everything financial etc just incase you need it in future. You need to have a discussion with him when you’re less shocked about if he really loves her or was just caught up in a fantasy.

Im so sorry to read your post OP. I have been exactly where you are standing and it’s one of the toughest things I’ve done. It does get better though.

You’re in shock, this is new to you, it isn’t to him. Now isn’t the time to make any decisions, unfortunately you just have to let this sit with you for a while to enable you to make decisions from a place of clarity and strength.

My thoughts:
You need some space, I’d be asking him to move out for a short period of time whilst you consider your options. You probably want to cling on and make things work, you may feel differently once the shock has worn off.

Given the length of time that this has been going on, the depth of feelings and the fact you found out via a third party, my concern is that he will want to be with OW now that she is single. Perhaps not now but months down the line. I don’t see them breaking contact especially now, thus causing you more heartbreak in the future.

Stay strong.

TBH OP I don’t think that there’s anything to be gained by telling him to move out while you think things through. Because he’ll go straight to the OW. Will likely tell her that because she’s now free he’s decided to leave you.

IMO if you tell him to move out then it ends to be permanent, so I would let him stay put while you decide what it is you want to do.

If he moves out you can’t very easily let him back. But if you stay for now then you can always throw him out when you’ve decided.

The fantasy bubble (his) has been burst.

Get yourself a therapist, take legal advice, and work out what you want

I would get legal advice and have some time to think about what is best for you and the children. Ignore what he wants and says. Remember, there is a good chance he will go to her now she is single (or rather, stay with her) or else start another affair with someone else in the future.

TBH OP I don’t think that there’s anything to be gained by telling him to move out while you think things through. Because he’ll go straight to the OW. Will likely tell her that because she’s now free he’s decided to leave you.

That was my first thought too 😢

There’s no way I forgive that. Sorry.

I wouldnt put too much store by his so called "depth of feeling". Ime men will say practically anything when there is the chance of getting a leg over. Seems like she has been dangling the carrot of sex to get him to leave you. She may well love him, but he didnt love her.....if he had then he would have left you long since. Love is a big real thing and worth the risk of starting again, shiny new sex, whilst attractive and nice if you can get it, isnt worth giving up a family, a home and a loving wife for. He wanted both.

And that is why for me it would be "Bye Bye". Because he has no problem with being with you and shagging her. Stringing you both along because it suited him. It was what hurt me so much when my ex did the same. If he had loved her then, as much as it hurt, at least it was something that mattered. Shagging someone else who he didnt care about but just did it because he could was so much worse somehow. And the flowery language will all have been to get her to shag him again "I do love you, I want to be with you, I cant imagine being without you.....but I have to stay because of the kids...." is his way of trying to break the stalemate and get him what he wanted.

He is a maggot and you will be better off without him. YOu will never trust him again.

I am so sorry, but you will get there my love, we all did xxx

If he;s going to go to his OW, he will do so whatever OP does.

I suspect he won't leave OP for her immediately, as he is begging her not to divorce him. But I don't think he'll give her up either.

Some space is just what OP needs, how can she think straight & examine her own feelings with him around?

Absolutely NOT this. Why make it easy... ok DH just go off into your bubble and pretend you are not a father with responsibility.... have loads of sex with OW and convince yourself it's for the best .

No no no.

Ask him how he is going to look after HIS kids and have OW. Because you are not default parent.

When this happened to best friend she played a really hard but incredible stroke.

She told cheating bastard that her mum had fallen and needed care. Left him in charge of kids. (4.) aged 14 (stroppy) 11, 8 and 3.

Honeymoon bubble impossible.
5 weeks. (Came home weekends) but by that time she was so pissed off she went back to her DH.

They divorced. But on HER terms.

As someone who has gone through this, I’d say strongly DO NOT take him back when he is now being so enticing, saying he wants you back etc.

Even if you do take him back, you have to see how serious he is and the only way to do this is by separating and giving time to yourself without him.

If he IS serious, (and sadly I do think you can ignore anything he says at the moment, it’s empty words, actions speak so much louder), then he will

• wait for however long it takes you to take him back
• be truly remorseful, by acting on it and making up for it, if necessary for months to make you feel you can trust him again
• will not look at other women until you take him back
• will give all support, financial, emotional to you and your kids in that time
• will be absolutely open about himself so that you can regain trust

In the time separated, I would say work on you and your family only and don’t really give him or the affair much thought. Do not see you in relation to him. Find your core and get yourself a great job, great passion, do loads of nice things with the kids, nurture all of you but just don’t try and do the ‘pick me dance’ and be alluring to him.

You are OK and great enough as you are. You don’t need to change to get him back. He’s the one who needs to change. Don’t sell yourself short. You may well after a while of separation realise that he’s not serious, is still behaving in an entitled way, and then feel strong enough to make a decision.

What I'm struggling with so much @PyongyangKipperbang is, if he didn't love her, and she hasn't has sex with him for a year, why was he investing so much emotion and time into her?
He is very handsome and charismatic so if it's just a shag he was after he could easily have done this with anyone while away with work etc. Which he may have as well, but I really don't think so.
These two have shared a lot about their childhoods, chatted for hours, were physical for a period of time which they refer to as 'mind-blowing' but emotionally he appears smitten in the emails.

If he really loved me, surely he wouldn't do this with someone else?
If he feels so strong why does he want to be with me? Is it to maintain his family man image ? I dont expect anyone to have clear answers. But these are the questions I ask myself over and over.

Unfortunately many cheaters I believe are cowards, otherwise they would have been brave and left their partners before an affair, or confessed. Instead they lied and played both.

So yes your DH absolutely does not want to be shown up as a weak cheating man, whose affair partner is also playing him, and whose wife kicked him out. He will also be worried about how his kids will view him.

My Ex reacted very strongly when I discovered his cheating, and did not want to leave. I took him back. However a short while later, when he saw an ‘opening’ to leave the marriage and blame me, he took it. So now he got to leave without looking like the bad guy, even though I realised he had just gone back to cheating!

RaeraeH
I am so very sorry. This is a dreadful shock, and you are just in the first few hours of it now.

Firstly: you must just let yourself calm down and get used to this news over the next day or so. It can take a good 3-4 days to take it in. Just live with the new reality and let it sink in. I'm afraid you do have to do this.

As far as your DH is concerned, for now I would require him actually to look after you as you are in total shock. Others might not say that, but I think that if he is saying that he wants to have counselling, etc, then right now you should just do nothing, exist, get through these first few days.

As for what happens next, you need time to come to yourself again and take stock. You can't make decisions now (in my opinion).

For what it's worth, I'll say what my initial opinion is. As I understand, you've said you hadn't been bothered about sex with him, that he'd found this difficult, and that he refused to leave you and wants to stay together and get counselling. It will be up to you. I personally would consider counselling. People can and do get through this kind of situation. But the only way is to put everything on the table and work out what was lacking before this happened.

I cannot say strongly enough that his behaviour is unacceptable and he has blown a big hole not just in the relationship, but in your lives. Having said that, he seems to regret it. Some guys don't, they carry on with the OW, they continue to wreck things. They can only be shown the door. You will need to work out really how you feel about him, and if it is worth trying at least to unpick what's happened and see if there's a way forwards.

But right now, you need looking after. I'm really sorry, and I hope things work out. I'm sure they will, in time, one way or the other. X

oh and I'd just say, he's been infatuated with her/the emotions of the new connection. But this will blow over and disappear.

Because she said no.

I am sure you have been on a diet at some point, havent we all? On a diet you cant have chips or chocolate. You have never been bothered by either, until your diet tells you that you cant have them.....so what do you then crave? Chips and chocolate.

He wants her because she is saying no. He wants to win. He is charming and attractive, he could have any woman he wanted....except her. Its not the sex, its definitely not love, its about proving he could have her if he wanted to. He sounds terrifyingly like my ex. In one of the FB messages he sent her he said "We both know I could have you if I wanted to". And the stupid woman did and lost her family as a result.

I cant help wondering if he has a very self important and proud view of himself. I wonder if you think so wonderfully of him because has very subtly made you feel grateful that this Adonis chose you over all the other women he could have chosen. I know that I did with my ex.

In all seriousness, if you do want to try and make your marriage survive this (many do, I did for a while, no judgement), you need to be the one he cannot have. Do not beg, do not plead. Take back the control. You get to decide now and right now you are deciding that you are thinking about it. To be honest, I would say that a man that you have to manipulate and play games with to make him want to be with you isnt worth the effort. But of course it is your choice. Take care xx

@PyongyangKipperbang good post and good advice. Do we have the same Ex? 😂😬

If he really loved me, surely he wouldn't do this with someone else?
If he feels so strong why does he want to be with me? Is it to maintain his family man image ? I dont expect anyone to have clear answers. But these are the questions I ask myself over and over.

I am sure his answers to these questions will be that he doesn't know.

I understand how absolutely sickened you must feel, like a kick in the stomach. Do not rush any decisions, do not let him absolve responsibility to your DC. Would it help for you to go away and stay with a non judgmental friend or family member? Just to step back and look at the whole picture.
Relationship counselling will be useful wether you choose to stay or go.

Wouldnt surprise me! Turns out that he had been around more houses than a fucking postman!

I must admit op it does seem strange and I can understand you wanting to make sense of it, who chased who is what you are asking ?

Were there no signs or suspicions on your side, I know the sex was lacking but did you have any spidey senses going off ?
Her husband clearly did and was snooping into her emails so maybe she had disengaged from him, for him to check up on her. I presume your h told you that they didn't have sex because she wanted him to leave you ?

It appears they both had their needs met in different ways in this affair but to go for over a year without sex if you are meant to be infatuated seems impossible to me, so who was it who put the sexual brakes on ?

It's going to take time working this one out, maybe you could speak to her husband again to gain more clarity of the situation but ultimately he has been unfaithful and disloyal and that is a certainty.

Your pain is palpable, @RaeraeH. I am so sorry.

It would be game over for me. Your H has spent the past 18+ months heavily investing in his romantic connection with OW while making an utter mockery of you and the children.

He is clearly capable of hiding so much long-term deception behind his smile and ‘incredible’ gestures. If he’s been in so deep with OW for almost 2 years, I highly doubt it’s truly over between them, particularly since she is free now.

He’s begging you to stay, and there are a multitude of reasons why this
self-serving manipulator would do so. I just know that I couldn’t sacrifice my peace of mind for a life full of anxiety and uncertainty.

@RaeraeH, consider seeking the support IC to help you gain clarity.

Sending hugs. You don’t have to decide right now. Give yourself some time to think.