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DHa Affair revealed

232 replies

RaeraeH · 18/03/2023 16:12

I am in shock and trying to get my head round the discovery (or revealing) of my husbands affair. The OWs DH found an email discussion between OW and my H which makes clear the two of them are in love and it seems to have been going on for around 18 months, possibly longer. They have had sex before but not within the past year, which the emails state however it seems it has continued emotionally on and off.
A week ago OWs DH found me on Instagram and contacted to inform me of what he had discovered and subsequently has shared said email discussion with me which was heartbreaking to read.
Things like he's only with me for our 3 kids and he wishes to be on her arms, will always be there for her etc :(
I'm reeling. We've been together for 20 years and he's been an incredible husband overall.
H is begging me not to divorce him and wants to work through it.
From what I gather though, OW put the brakes on the physical side of things because he wouldn't leave me.
My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

OP posts:

Duckingella · 18/03/2023 23:34

I bet their "connection" doesn't seem so exciting now they've been rumbled.

You deserve so much better than a lying cheat.


sammyjoanne · 19/03/2023 00:20

If you take him back, but I dont think you could ever trust him again. All that going on for months. Its not like it was a one night stand. Its a full blown affair with emotion. You could stay and be miserable for years wondering if he is seeing her everytime he leaves the door, or even someone else; or yes its going to sting splitting with him now, but in the long run you will be much happier on your own/with someone who values you, than being in a untrustworthy relationship.


MoreSleepPleasee · 19/03/2023 00:29

He will be with her within the year seeing as she's now single and everyone knows. Don't allow him to cause you further embarrassment as people will only say what did you expect.


Seasider2017 · 19/03/2023 01:17

Pm you


Straycatblue · 19/03/2023 01:46

Start getting your finances in order without alerting him (if you have a joint account)

Regardless of what you decide, you should book yourself in for STD check

Look up the website forum Surviving Infidelity = lots of good advice


Monty27 · 19/03/2023 02:02

Poor him. He cheated. End of.


MsDogLady · 19/03/2023 02:04

Ditto checking out Surviving Infidelity, especially their Just Found Out forum.


IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 19/03/2023 02:10

Sorry you're going through this @RaeraeH

I've known of an affair at close range- best friend and a married man- and having seen a lot of that from as close to "inside" as you can get without being one of the two in the affair, I would never take my husband back after doing that. Even sex you might- maybe- be able to forgive, but the emotional stuff? No way. All the worse that you've read emails between them exposing all the emotional stuff.

If you leave him now it will hurt and you'll always carry that to a certain extent, but you've got the option of another, better and most authentic life afterwards. In five years it is won't hurt so badly and you may very well have met someone else who's decent and faithful. If you stay with your husband you're just papering over the cracks of being with a faithless man who you'll never fully trust again. Not for me.

You can be happy in the future but I doubt you will be if you stay with this man.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


Wineat5isfine · 19/03/2023 02:14

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. What an absolute f’ing arsehole.

You deserve so much more 💐 And to be treated so much better. Sending a very unmumsnetty hug x


ShellsOnTheBeach · 19/03/2023 02:47

Whatever you do, don't do the pick me dance.

Don't bother with the Surviving Infidelity forum. It's far too focused on reconciliation. Read Chumplady instead.

The sad truth is that there's rarely any meaningful or lasting reconciliation, particularly if there is/has been a strong emotional connection with the affair partner.

Your husband may say that he wants to work on the marriage, but sadly he is likely to be motivated by practical considerations rather than love for you.

Don't be his Plan B! He'll most likely regret staying ultimately leave you anyway. Even if he stays, you'll always worry and second guess yourself.

Given that the OW is now single, the decision may well be taken out of your hand.

Focus on the practicalities: educate yourself about the divorce process, especially the financial aspects (dont forget his pension...), and try not to be scared of what lies ahead. You WILL get through this!!


barmycatmum · 19/03/2023 02:51

He does NOT get to push you to make any quick decision. He’s the one who turned everything upside down; he can damned well wait until you’ve had time to process things and work out how you feel.

he had PLENTY of time to come to grips with the fact that he was choosing an affair - so do not let him rush you.

I’d kick him out. He can sort out some lodging and give you space. Useless ass.


LorW · 19/03/2023 05:23

Don’t focus on the content of their emails OP. In my experience some men will say anything to get what they want, because she said no , he then made it his mission to change her mind because he has an ego, he probably doesn’t give a shit about her.

Look at it this way, you’ve found out and better now than further down the line, get your financials etc in order, move on, close that chapter of your life (I know that’s quite hard cause of kids but I mean the marriage) and look forward to what the future holds instead of wasting another 20 years on this man.


JustBeKinder · 19/03/2023 06:24

This happened to me also, married at that point 17 years, he left and was gone for 3 months, I felt ( foolishly) that when he split with my friend ! everyone deserves a 2 nd chance, 4 years later I discovered he was doing it again with a different friend! I ve now been on my own for 20 years, happily divorced, downsized house, close relationship with kids, good friends, free to enjoy life. This doesn’t help the pain you re going through now and I know it’s heartbreaking but you deserve better and so do the kids, wishing you lots of luck


Justalittlebitduckling · 19/03/2023 06:45

So unbelievably hurtful. What he wants should be very low down your list of priorities. He hasn’t given any regard to your feelings or
dignity at all.


HappinesDependsOnYou · 19/03/2023 07:06

I am so sorry you are going through this. If he is contributing financially you don't have to do anything right now. Therapy might help you get the answers you need in a safe and controlled space. Serving infidelity website is also a good place for support.


Hoplesscynic · 19/03/2023 07:15

OP, read again what you've told us. Can you even consider "trying to rebuild"?
He didn't want to rebuild anything with you until he got caught. He obviously has very strong feelings for her if it's been going that long and it obviously wasn't about sex either.
Now his self-preservation instincts have kicked in, he'd do anything to avoid getting kicked out. Why?
Because he doesn't want to have to frantically look for a new place, fears expensive divorce/child maintenance, doesn't want his children and friends/relatives to know what a scumbag he is.
He's been playing you both - didn't leave you for her and didn't break it off with her either.
The other H has done the best thing for himself, and you should too.


Badger1970 · 19/03/2023 07:29

He may love you, OP, you've got family and history. But he doesn't respect you.

He's really not an incredibly husband. He's a liar and a cheat, no matter how handsome he is.

He will destroy your peace of mind, and your self respect if you stay.


ApiratesaysYarrr · 19/03/2023 07:31

Howtostart · 18/03/2023 20:18

When this happened to best friend she played a really hard but incredible stroke.

She told cheating bastard that her mum had fallen and needed care. Left him in charge of kids. (4.) aged 14 (stroppy) 11, 8 and 3.

Honeymoon bubble impossible.
5 weeks. (Came home weekends) but by that time she was so pissed off she went back to her DH.

They divorced. But on HER terms.

That's playing a blinder from the point of view of the adults, but I'm not so sure that it was the right thing to do for the kids in that situation. If they found out that she lied about something to leave them for 5 weeks, I'm sure they'd be pretty hurt.


Libelula21 · 19/03/2023 07:37

Just checking - are you sure it’s the OW’s DH contacting you, and not the OW pretending to be her DH, to try and prompt you to leave.


Hellenabe · 19/03/2023 07:41

I also know of two couples, the male AP didnt leave his wife but the female AP begged for her husband back and got him. It can work out I think. I couldn't get over the deceit though.


Bagatella · 19/03/2023 07:48

SleepyRooster · 18/03/2023 19:57

The fantasy bubble (his) has been burst.

Get yourself a therapist, take legal advice, and work out what you want

This: lawyer and therapist.


Willow1980 · 19/03/2023 07:55

I've experienced this myself. I took him back once and it was never the same. The only person who suffers is you and you will resent him for what he has done. I left him and it was the biggest relief and in time you will feel this also. The deceit and lies eat away at you and when I was parted from him it lifted off my shoulders and the fog had gone. It was very liberating. Someone who you trusted and believed In massively betrays you is very hard to forgive and forget. My advice is think of you and the children. Don't waste time even thinking of the OW she's clearly not worth your head space. Time really is a remarkable thing and you will be much happier in the long run.
A wonderful husband wouldn't betray his wife and children. It shows what he's capable of.


premicrois · 19/03/2023 08:02

My head is a mess. Where do I begin.

By staying strong; not getting hung up on the relationship you want with this man because he has fucked that right up. He isn't a good husband. 18 months of deceit is a king time. 18 months of telling someone else he would rather be with them than you. 18 months of not having the backbone to say 'this isn't working' anymore. 18 months is a long long time.

There is no way I could come back from this.

Don't be one of those women who wants it so bad they ignore the fact he isn't actually it.

I'm so sorry he has don this to you but take the time for you now, rid yourself of the deceiving piece of shit, you would never be able to trust him again.


Buildingthefuture · 19/03/2023 08:11

I wouldn’t set any store by the shite he said to her. The fact is, men like this are simple and selfish. If he had wanted to leave you, he would have. He didn’t. Instead, he created himself a nice little fantasy life where he could get his pathetic ego stroked and play at being a star crossed lover, all the while enjoying his wife and dc at home. Oh, it was all so exciting, until you found out and suddenly, there are consequences. There is nothing special about him, he is your stereotypical, cake eating Twat.
But op, you need to remember that this man is NOT your friend. He will now do and say anything to avoid looking at the reality of who he actually is (a weak, selfish, sad little man) He will lie, lie and lie some more. He will also try and blame you. But, know this. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. If he was unhappy, he had a million different options (suggest counselling, talk to you about it, amicable separation). He chose none of those. Instead, he chose to fuck you over, royally. It was not a mistake, it was his choice to engage in this seedy sordid shite.
You need to put you and your dc front and centre and give no thought to him (like he hasn’t to you). Make him leave. If he goes to her so be it (and she is also a vile specimen). Get him out, get some space and try to figure out what’s best for YOU now. Reading will help. Surviving Infidelity is good, it’s not just about reconciliation, there are loads of good divorce stories and advice on how best to separate. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, I honestly do not understand why people have to be such dicks 🤬🤬🤬


Itsgottobeme · 19/03/2023 08:11

so fed up of reading dont act on knee jerk. no act chuck the fucker out. he doesnt care about you. he wasnt stopping he was caught.
he has been lying every second fo the day for over a year
to you and your children he hasnt been who you thought he was every thikng out his mouth every movement was a lie becasue he was always with her too. for over a year.
he was having wifely things done for him at home and a mistress,all was well. hes been found out.
or maybe even worse that he thought he could have both and that that was in ayn way ok!
get rid.
hes not the husband of 20 years. hes a cheating bastard.

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