I’m a Serial Liar

[Complex9]

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

Not sure what you want people to say.

You are treating your girlfriend like shit. Because you hate your life. That was completely ruined by your ex. Nothing you could have done and nothing you can do. Everything has an excuse.

Nothing that’s ever happened to you is your fault. And you can’t change.

But you are a serial liar, so I am guessing you are lying now.

Thanks for replying.

it’s clearly my side of the story of which there are always two sides. I’m being as honest as I can be.

I’ve spiralled out of control and I absolutely accept that.

I know I am behaving appallingly.

I appreciate your total honesty.

Yes, self pity it is. I accept that.

You make a great point about my children.

Thanks for replying

I think the crux of it is that you got with your current partner too soon after the end of your marriage. You can't be in a relationship with someone when you are still mourning the loss of your previous one.

You need to end it with your current gf, and then work on yourself. Believe me, I leaned that the hard way, it was messy! It sounds like you are carrying a massive load of hurt, anger and bitterness and until you get rid of that and find peace within yourself there is no point even thinking about being with anyone else. Yes, it's sad your marriage ended but it's happened and rather than feel bitter about it you need to learn to let it go. Concentrate on a good relationship with your kids, plan things with your friends and just try to find that enjoyment in life again. You can't do that whilst being in a relationship with someone who you're not happy with.

Men get a tough ride on here, but the advice I give you is the same as I would give to a woman!

Agree, you need to end it with this woman. Work on your mental health and relationship with your children before anything else. Don't take on too much too soon.

I think you are right. I’m still hurting and I’m emotionally immature.

it doesn’t excuse my behaviour.

I’m not here for sympathy - I deserve everything I get . I’m here for people being honest with me.

Thank you for replying

I know but how? She deserves better than me and I don’t want to hurt her.

i need to find some peace in my life.

I miss my children so much.

Thanks for replying

I hope you are not lying now, given we are giving our time to try and help.
Ditch the poor gf. Let her go and be with someone who deserves her. Be single and work on yourself - your bitterness and unhappiness are dragging you down and you need to turn that around. Focus on your relationship with your kids. Life can be unfair - deal with it.

End your relationship, you’re not ready for it.

If your counsellor isn’t helping, try someone else.

You’ve been dealt a shitty hand by your ex, it will take a lot to get over it.

Shitting on your girlfriend's life because your ex shit on yours is not the way to deal with your hurt.

But this is interesting: "I’m not here for sympathy - I deserve everything I get . I’m here for people being honest with me."

Did you post just so you could get your arse handed to you? It sounds a bit like you're playing with fire trying to blow up your life in real life, and actively seeking out a kicking here too. Why are you doing it to yourself?

Break it off in a blunt this isn't working way. It's short term pain but better than the long term pain of this continuing.

Hmm, are you enjoying this just a little too much op?

i will try and do something kind.

I’m actually a massive people pleaser and can’t say no to anyone. This is why I’m so appalled at myself. It’s out of character.

(not an excuse)

I think op is getting his kicks at our expense.

There are some horrible people on here. I hope you find peace ✌️

I promise I’m not lying now.

Why would I do that on an anonymous forum?

Thanks for replying

I think I probably did post to get my backside handed to me. I deserve it.

I need to hear truth.

Thank you for replying.

I’m actually a massive people pleaser and can’t say no to anyone

being a "people pleaser" is a pathetic excuse for not growing up and finishing with your girlfriend.

You need to sort yourself out, and build your relationship with your children. When you are stable with that you can think about relationships with other adults.

A strange way to get kicks.

I’m seeking truth and clarity and I’m getting that in abundance.

Thank you for replying

First off finish with your gf. Let her free so she can find someone that will treat her better.

How old are your children?

Get in touch with ex-wife expressing your desire to form better relationships with your children. Unless there is a massive backstory why would she not do this?

You're punishing your girlfriend for what your wife did to you?

Do a kindness. End this relationship and don't get in another one until you've healed a bit. You're not being very nice.

I think people have been very fair given what I’ve posted.

I hope to find peace in my life eventually.

i’m not in denial that I’m awful, I hope to fix myself as soon as I can.

Thanks for replying

Sound advice. Fair.

Thanks