I’m a Serial Liar

[Complex9]

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

I can understand your pain. If i was you, I would just tell your new partner that its not working and then try to live the way you want. Remember you been through a lot lately, its ok to do the things you're doing which feels wrong sometimes, and it helps you heal .When you hit rick bottom, Good thing that you will go up from here.You need to start loving yourself and then look to love someone else. You will get there eventually. I wish you all the best and be kind to yourself.

Even if you're not genuine, I'll help:

1. End it with your girlfriend. Today

1. You need help to get over your relationship ending. Find a therapist. Do that today, too. You need to get help to get over the anger and pain you feel. This is absolutely critical or you will continue with this awful toxic life you are creating for yourself

1. Write to each of your children and explain what happened to the marriage from your perspective. Ask for their forgiveness for your mistakes. Ask to see them when they can

i should - that’s not in doubt.

Without wanting to make an excuse, you could say that to addicts?

Why would you want anybody to feel the way you were made to feel? You know the pain firsthand and yet treat a kind and compassionate woman in such a cruel manner.

Stop bleeding on people who didn't cut you, you are clearly not ready for a relationship and this poor woman sure as shit doesn't deserve to pay for your exes misdeeds, it's simply not fair and it's not on.

Let her go and be free to meet someone who will treat her the way she deserves, you are being nothing other than selfish by keeping her as backup, a comfort blanket.

Judging by your post, you feel guilty about this, suggesting that you are in fact a decent human being, so do what is right.

Sorry for the harsh response OP, I was on the receiving end of such treatment last year and it appears I'm still a little salty about it. My point still stands though, please do the tight thing, it's so incredibly painful to be on the arse end of such treatment, we do know deep down what you're up to too. It made me feel pretty worthless tbh, and I didn't deserve that, neither does your lady friend.

You are entirely correct.

i genuinely hate what I’ve become.

Well done firstly for acknowledging your issues. That's not easy. I feel for you. You had a bad marriage breakup and you miss your children. I think the best thing you can do is let go of your girlfriend. You're not ready. Stop going out and getting drunk, it's making you miserable. Work on yourself. Do some sport or book a weekend away by yourself and start rebuilding. Be there for your children. The best way to do that is to fix yourself first. You're going through a tough time. Good luck.

It’s awful behaviour on my part.

No one should be apologising for calling it out.

I’m ashamed of myself as I considered myself better than that. I’m not.

As I said, my apologies for being so harsh, it's just hard to look at things like this objectively when you've been on the wrong side of it.

Please don't get stuck in a cycle of shame and self blame, you need to break the cycle and restart your life afresh. Perhaps you'll be ready for a lovely lady in the near future, but that time just isn't now, concentrate on getting your life back under control, then you'll have a better time controlling yourself. Therapy might be a good idea 😊

Good luck xx

I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m owning up to my issues and facing what I know I deserve from
a cross section of people who are probably living their lives better than me right now.

Thanks the advice which I appreciate

IMO your therapy isn't working because you're not in a position to be able to get the most out of it. You've jumped into a relationship you're completely not ready for- I've done the same in the past and it's STRESSFUL. Therapy in my experience works when you're ready to take it on- it's hard work!

And also completely unfair on your girlfriend. You say you don't want to hurt her by breaking up with her but you will hurt her far more if you stay together and keep lying to her. Break up- it's the lesser of two evils for her.

Once you're single, I think you'll have the headspace to really focus on your therapy. Focus on the basics- try to sort out your relationship with your kids, get yourself into a routine as a single person, nurture friendships that bring you happiness. Don't get into another relationship until you have found happiness and completeness as a single man.

1 I should but whether I’m too cowardly to do it, only time will tell
2 I’ve been in therapy for a year
3 I still have contact with them just not as much F2F as I’d like. They and their development have to be a priority. I don’t believe a self indulgent letter from me is the right approach although I appreciate the idea. Maybe when they are young adults?

Thank you

Really strong advice. Thank you

FWIW OP I agree with you about not writing a letter- I think it's best to protect your kids as much as possible from the awfulness that's happened between you and their mother (I know it's not your fault, but it won't be good for them to know all the details.)

It must be awful not getting as much contact as you like, I feel for you. But as you're clearly in a bad place at the moment, I'd focus on using the time away from them to really concentrate on healing and getting your life back together. They're getting towards the age now where they can manage their time independently, especially your older child, at which point they can make their own decisions about spending time with you. Make the most of the time you get with them (not having the stress of a relationship that isn't working will help) and remember that all the work you're doing on yourself when you're not with them will really benefit them. Your kids need a happy, healthy dad.

Breaking up with your girlfriend IS the kind and right thing to do.

You are hurting all the time. You are disrespecting her.

i don’t believe it when people say ‘it will hurt them if I break up with them’. That’s not the reason you won’t break up with them.

You won’t break up with them because it suits you. You can do what you want but still experience having a steady relationship and its benefits. Might even be part of you, that enjoys that YOU are getting one over on someone for once. But you are with her for your own benefit.

If you cared or respected her, even just a little bit. You wouldn’t do this to her.

I can’t disagree with anything you say.

I wish I could be good enough for her. It’s my bad choices that have caused all of this. There might be an argument for mitigating circumstances but it’s on me and I hate myself for it.

You need to concentrate on one thing at the time.
At the moment you are trying to be in your dcs life, be a partner, get over your ex all at the same time. It’s not working.
And it’s not working because you are not over your ex and the divorce.

Now everyone has a different way to get over stuff. Mine is to create something anew.
Nit a new relationship - in your case, it’s clearly too early! - but a life for yourself. One where you like yourself and feel confident. Your partner, despite her understanding and support, can’t do that for you.

Go back and have a look at what you’d like your life to be. How often you see your dcs, what do you do with them. When you are in your own, what do you do? What do you enjoy doing - it’s nit getting drunk in pubs and chatting random women up. What’s part of hobbies, sports, seeing friends. You will know better than anyone else on here what makes you tick.
And build that up. A life where you are happy on your own. A life where you are present and see your dcs. A Life where your happiness and self worth isn’t linked to your ex anymore.

And yes, tell your DP that it’s not working. That you can’t be there for her in the way she deserves. That you are not ready for a relationship. From what you say, she won’t be surprised by it tbh.

If you feel your behaviour is manic and escalating, you need to talk to your GP.

My sister is a compulsive liar. I don't know why she does it. She would lie about many small and some big things. She actualy thinks she's a good liar, and that I never knew. But we all knew, all of us talked about her and laughed at some of her outragous lies. We're no contact now, because what is the point in a relationship full of lies?! You need to sort yourself out and stop lying.

Where is hating yourself getting you?

The self pity isn’t really helping is it?

Look, I have fucked up hugely in my life. Things have also happened out of my control. My mum, went from fine. To thinking she had developed and allergy to her dog and it was impacting her breathing to collapsing and dying in 4 days. It broke me. I didn’t deal with the first year particularly well. I didn’t go around severely hurting people. I won’t ever be the same. It’s changed who I am. I miss her and the person I was so much, it feels like the pain will never stop.

But my kids need me. Need me to maintain a job. Need me to show them a good example. Need me to be a good person and a good parent. Feeling sorry for myself and berating myself for mistakes made, doesn’t help my kids. Doesn’t help me. What does help is action. That’s the only thing that helps.

While you are feeling sorry for yourself and talking about how you hate yourself, instead of doing something you aren’t helping anyone.

Go to your Gp if you are manic.

I think you may need to accept that maybe your kids, just aren’t that comfortable for lots of face to face meeting with you. When people are spiralling and manic, others can tell. They are kids and probably don’t know what to do. They need you to take action and take steps to sort yourself out. Then you may find your relationship and contact with them improves.

That should be your priority. Not a partner who you are using and abusing.

"I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next"

I'm wondering do you feel you are really able to open up to your current therapist?

It's not up to the therapist to fix you or tell you what to do. And it's not up to other women that you meet to become an authoritive mother to you.

The therapist can do nothing unless you truly want to invite them in.

It's about you really looking at yourself with openness and looking at your own unhelpful patterns of responding in relationships too.

You possibly have an entrenched view that you are a victim of life's circumstances and therefore cannot be changed.

That your only strategy currently of getting love and caring from another person is to make the other person feel sorry for you.

You might do this by repeating stories about other people's bad behavior towards you, while likely minimising your own part in things.

Your teens already have struggles, they cannot be hearing your struggles. Not saying you do, but be wary of that. Basically, don't be whining to them about your terrible sad life.

Sometimes we go to therapy, find we don't open up to the therapist but don't want to leave, so we then phone it in from there on. We sort of say the right stuff to keep the therapist happy. If this is you then get a new therapist.

With respect unless you tell your gf you've crossed the line and then face the risk of losing her, you're still not owning it.

Good advice thank you

I hadn’t considered what you say about the therapy before. Thank you