I’m a Serial Liar

[Complex9]

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

Will do. Thanks for the tip, hadn’t considered that. I do high protein low calories (1000) per day as I’m trying to cut more weight plus 60mins spinning

@Complex9 I don't have much to say to this but I actually feel for you. You're getting a lot of hate on this.

You know you've done wrong and being cheated on is heartbreaking so you definitely need to end it with the gf.

You're in a bad place and need to take time to find yourself again and try be happy.
Be careful going out & getting drunk on your own as that could also lead to some bad habits.

Take care & I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.

Deserve everything I get tbh. The lying and the deceit needs to end (ignore the fact that there’s no sex and it’s companionship - to me that’s just mechanics)

I need to get myself sorted.

Thanks for your compassion

If you don't love her at least like her enough to leave! You need to be single, get counselling maybe and to reset and recover from your trauma. My ex husband cheated on me and it was devastating so I get how much it hurts. But don't treat someone else like this because you hurt.

This will sound messed up but I genuinely care about her a lot. I might even love her but I think I’m so burnt by my marriage that I either can’t love anyone, can’t express my love for anyone or find someone I do love and then self sabotage.

I appreciate this is incredibly self indulgent but I’m trying to verbalise where I am in the absence of professional help or someone to talk to in the real world.

So thank you all

Please afford your girlfriend some of the kindness that she shows you and end things pronto. You've sailed bloody close to the wind in terms of really hurting her- i mean she hasn't found out about your cheating and I feel you're in such a rut that you'll do it again. See it as doing her a favour. Even if you'd be quite good together in better times, you're not in better times and it will be her that gets hurt. Is that fair?

You could be honest (to an extent) and say a version of 'it's not you, it's me'. Maybe something like 'you're a wonderful woman and I have really enjoyed getting to know you. You've been so kind to me at a difficult time but unfortunately I think the best thing to do is to leave things here. I started seeing you in good faith but as time has gone on, I've realised that I'm not in a position to give a partner my full attention as I have a lot of emotional healing and practicalities to resolve after my marriage breakdown. Please don't see this as any reflection on you, it's just terrible timing'.

How do you feel the therapy is going, is it someone you can engage with and make progress with? If so, press on. If not, maybe try another therapist. The exercise sounds great as an outlet so carry on with that.

Your first step in regaining control and being your decent self again is to let your partner go before you really hurt her. One difficult conversation now will save a lot of heartbreak.

Wise words.

i sometimes try and ‘justify’ things with the fact that there’s no sex and it’s companionship/flirting when I meet people but that’s no defence is it?

After a year with this therapist maybe it’s tome to try a different one.

it’s absolutely me not her. Part of me does think that I should invest my energy into her and give it a real go. But my worry is that the deep seated issues remain and the toothpaste is out of the tube in terms of these other encounters - as in I’ve ruined it whatever happens.

It boggles my mind how someone who expresses to be so hurt by their ex wife cheating on them...can then go and do the exact same thing to someone else.

Just end this current relationship and stay single - otherwise find someone who wants to be in an open relationship with you. There is no excuse for this behaviour. You have control over your actions, nothing is making you lie so just stop. Or continue I guess, but don't be surprised when you find yourself in a deeper hole than you were before.

Also regarding your children. You said they are teenagers. They're old enough to have their own relationship with you and determine what level of contact they want. Stop blaming your ex. Teenagers would see you anyway, if they wanted to. It would benefit you to take an honest look at your own behaviour to see if there is anything that has caused a relationship breakdown between you and them and try to make changes. It won't get you anywhere to blame everyone else.

Part of me does think that I should invest my energy into her and give it a real go.

There is no way you will be able to properly invest your energy into her(or anyone else) until you have sorted yourself out @Complex9
You are not in the right place to do that. And the first step is to acknowledge it.

i sometimes try and ‘justify’ things with the fact that there’s no sex and it’s companionship/flirting when I meet people but that’s no defence is it?

There is absolutely no difference IMO. My ex did the same and I was just as hurt as if he'd had sex. You are looking outside the relationship, it feels like the intent is there, it is disrespectful and would be embarrassing to her to know she has a partner that is doing this. You are not being loyal to her.

I doubt very much you'd feel ok with her doing the same if you loved her, and especially given the history already with your own ex.

Thanks for your honesty on this. I needed that. It’s really bad on my part. There can be no justification. I’m actually horrendous.

You’re right. Even though these were all my choices, I’m so ashamed that I’ve gone off the rails so spectacularly. I regret it so much.

Oh for goodness sake, while I really do sympathise with what you have been through it is clear all you are interested in is the Woe Is Me act, self flagellation and it's very very obvious you are not thinking about the poor woman you are continuing to treat like crap because you were treated like crap!

You’re obviously not in a good place but it sounds like you’re catastrophising things and taking it out in your girlfriend. You haven’t lost your kids, you’re still in regular contact with them. You’ve been working crazy hours and making all sorts of changes to your weight. You’ve started a new relationship. So why you’re making out like it’s all out of your hands and you’re this out upon victim I don’t get.

Yes your ex wife cheated on you but it doesn’t sound like anywhere near as bad as your initial post made out with your work and kids. You are deciding to make your current girlfriend pay because you’re bitter you got cheated on. Using her as a proxy to get back at your cheating ex is basically piss poor behaviour and your poor me act is further selfish behaviour.

You don’t love this woman, you had no business taking her love and support and then dramatically indulging yourself about how you’re so fucked up you can’t love her properly. You’re ok to take what she offered before all this ‘out of character’ behaviour. if you had any integrity you wouldn’t do that. You say you’re a serial liar - probably mostly to yourself it sounds.

100% this - it’s all on me and I’m so absolutely freaked out by my own dreadful behaviour when it’s firstly written down and then put to judgement (by me) with the inevitable and correct responses.

I guess I’ve necessarily faced up to a combination of my own demons and some very bad self inflicted choices in many aspects of my life.

I should probably seek professional help.

i appreciate your honesty

@Complex9 whilst its always very nice to see a poster who acknowledges their shortcomings, its starting to make me very uneasy.

Yes youve fucked up with your current DP. It's clear.
But you won't make any meaningful advance if you don't stop the 'I know what I've done is really bad. I am so bad, I recognise it. I'm such an awful person'.
You've said it a few times now. Its great that you are recognising that. Now you need a new take on things.

Tell us. What are you going to do differently now?
The weekend is coming. Will you have a chat with your DP?
Will you still go out and drink and flirt? Or will you stay at home?
Any plan to see your dcs? What have you planned to do with them?
When are you going to contact a new counsellor/psychotherapist (I'd encourage you to go down that route rather than 'just' a counsellor)?

You need to stop looking backwards and beat yourself with a stick. And start klooking forward and CHANGE THINGS.
And if you are working as a profesional, you know that projects happen only if you start making a plan, with ACTIONS (and if possible some sort of timescale - even if I'm finding it might not be that practical when it comes to personal stuff).

So can you talk to us about those actions? What will you do?

I’m going to see my GF and give her the nice weekend she deserves.

I’m going to stop going out randomly and stop drinking completely

I’m going to stop these other friendships

I’m going to investigate whatever one up from therapist is and get that sorted.

I’ve also messaged both my kids and told them I love them and asked what they are up to. I’ve sent them money to buy something for their mum on Sunday.

Do you work op?

Yes all the time. I took today off as I was overwhelmed/burned out

Wow, I hope your daughter never becomes involved with a man who laps up her kindness, devotion, and intimacy, yet degrades her with lies, humiliation, and emotional/physical infidelity (yes, kissing is a physically intimate act).

Do you plan to continue cheating with this OW? Does she know that you have a GF? Do the others you’re pursuing for validation/emotional connection know you have a GF?

Yes, your Ex shattered your world in the worst way. You’re still traumatized, so focus on your recovery: new therapist; perhaps some medication that you stick with; don’t stress your body/mind with too much alcohol, too much exercise, and too little calories/nutrients.

Locate your integrity and decency and stop mistreating this wonderful woman. Behind your smile is deception and infidelity that you rationalize with claims of ‘mitigating circumstances.’ No, there are no valid reasons for you to stomp on her boundaries and make a mockery of her. Set her free asap.

Again, I hope your daughter is never used and abused like this. Or your son.

i agree with you. I want my kids to do better than me.

No, I do not plan to see the OW again.
Yes, she knows I have a GF as do the others

I regret everything. I hope to make it up to GF and if it’s not to be, then it’s not to be. But not like this. She deserves better.

But will you stop lying to her about small and big things?

You can give up the double life and treat her to nice weekends, but you still don’t love her. You’ve stated that ‘I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love.’’ After 18 months, you know. She will be assuming that you do love her, so she will still be investing her all in an unequal relationship with a self-serving man who is using her as a crutch.

Fair point.

I’ll stop the double life and the absolute lies but the bigger issue is the L word. I think I know the answer there but why is she investing in this? When you put it as you do, there are so many red flags on my part. She should be pressing for her needs to be met beyond what I am offering. We are both mid 40s btw so not getting any younger

When I met my wife there were proper explosions. I knew i would marry her as soon as I saw her. That didn’t end well. But I know not all love starts like that, it can grow.

I appreciate everyone’s advice and fully accept that you are all indulging a person that doesn’t deserve it. It’s helping me and I’m grateful.

Really? After posting here all day you think the issue is, why is she putting up with not hearing you say ‘I love you’. The issue is her not prioritising her own needs?

The issue is you. You have hidden who you really are from her. You being awful and disrespectful behind her back, is your issue. Not hers.

Her trusting you when she shouldn’t, is on you. Not her