I’m a Serial Liar

[Complex9]

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

Sound advice.

I’m only lying to the GF. I don’t lie to anyone else in any area of my life. Even the women I meet are not lied to about my status. The one I crossed a line with was a kiss. Even this awful person has some kind of bizarre line that wouldn’t be crossed.

Easy to blame everyone else for your problems isn’t it? Your wife fucked you over by cheating on you but she’s not responsible for every other problem in your life. You’re the one being a waste of space now, you’re treating your girlfriend like shit because you’re too wet to break it off with her. As for your kids, I don’t believe for a second that she’s stopping them seeing you, they’re 14 and 17 ffs. You said yourself they’d rather be with their mates.
Take some responsibility and get yourself straight, this is just pathetic.

You’ve probably nailed it in that last sentence

Me too. ☕

I promise you it isn’t.

I needed to hear some home truths. I googled relationship forums, I found this.

Your ex wife has damaged you more than you know. Understandable when she has behaved in the most cruel ways. I can’t imagine what goes through someone’s head when they use children in their games. I think you need to get back into therapy.

I don’t think that shaming yourself is going to bring out the best in you. Your wife does deserve blame for her actions and you do need to apportion that for a time but nonetheless this happened and you have to learn to deal with it. This stuff is extremely hard. It rocks everything in your world when someone betrays you. You lose confidence in people, in your judgement, you don’t feel like you can trust, that makes you feel very insecure. You start to question yourself and everything about yourself that would lead someone to do this to you. As you have found your children start to resent you because children are quite narcissistic especially teens and when you are struggling you can’t meet their needs so they go elsewhere and they likely resent you a bit too which given what you are already going through with the betrayal seems like another sting. But honestly, honestly if you deal with all of these facts, if you come to accept them as your reality, if you make the changes necessary in yourself that allowed this to happen to you, address your beliefs and worldview and learn to accept the way things are, you will come out of this a much better person.

It is extremely painful, it is extremely difficult but honestly even the most painful things that happen in our lives can give us the opportunity to learn more and grow and develop as people.

You are not a bad person. You are going through hell and you are acting out. You cannot knowingly bring another person into this situation but you can heal. I really mean that.

I recognise I’m damaged. There are other factors at play, the break up was during COVID a time where it was hard on everyone and I had to keep a business running and not let any of my stress show at work. Right now, my dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer so I’m dealing with that too. Not excuses, others dealt/deal with it too.

Your replies have a weird vibe to them.

OP get yourself back into therapy. Break things off with this woman straight away.

Some replies on here are really harsh, and if it was a woman posting about it and the roles were reversed and a man took everything she had, the replies would be very different. MN at its finest I'm afraid.
What you've done to your partner is wrong, and you know that. Please end things with her.

Keep fighting for your children. Don't try and brainwash them, but keep trying. Don't ever give up on your children. Get yourself into therapy. Have you seen your GP? Maybe a course of antidepressants may help lift your mood but I think you need a lot of talking therapy. Posting on here and taking a battering from the holier than thou women in here who are so desperate to scorn men at any given moment probably wasn't the best idea.
I wish you well OP.

I’m actually quite emotional having read that. I’ve screenshotted it.

thank you so much

I've been through this myself

Exh cheated on me, I lost everything

Went completely off the rails and jumped straight into a relationship I wasn't ready for, lots of lies, toxic, not good for anyone

Please end your relationship and get some help, talk to someone about how you're feeling

I was prescribed ADs after the first affair had ‘ended’. My wife even sat in with me while I burst into tears with the GP. I later discovered she was still seeing him when I did that. I’ve not seen a GP since for any reason and just stopped the Setraline.

I will never play games with my kids as they are at an important time in their development. They don’t need he said/she said. No one comes out with credit. One day the truth will out when they are adult enough to understand it.

I’m not able to cope with things right now. My decision making on an emotional level is dreadful. Thanks for sharing your own experiences.

You tell your current partner that you did the too much too soon thing and let her go. Then you do what you need to do and get your head straight whilst you're single.

If your kids are teens, you don't need a relationship with their mother. If they have phones, speak to them directly. Don't just lie back and give in, as these kids will think you've fucked off without a care.

Yep definitely a serial liar, infact you do it all the time on mumsnet, always long scenarios, always appeasing the naysayers, agreeing with everything, never arguing back, you seriously need to up your game and writing style

There's some really horrible nasty people on here who seem to think it is acceptable to be abusive to the op and not just that, but to be abusive to someone who is clearly in emotional distress and is clearly struggeling. Shameful, disgusting behaviour.

OP you have had some really good replies in amongst the others. You have been through a really tough time, a tough time that the majority would really struggle with. I think the best way forward is to end the relationship and focus on yourself. Get a good therapist, CBT therapy sounds like it would be good for you or a psychologist. Next, focus on your kids. Have you considered a solicitor? Continue to work on yourself and on processing and overcoming what you have been through. Wishing you the best of luck. You will get there.

Thanks for the practical advice.

it’s not untrue to say my head is all over the place and that I need to sort that.

We message frequently about all sorts. I tell them I love them every day. I send them money over, I make sure they have money to get their mum birthday/Xmas presents etc

Has this OP posted before then about different things but in a similar vein?

I came here for truth and I knew i would get/deserve what was coming to me.

Thanks for your reply which has some great advice within it.

I need to find peace with myself.

You need to dump the girlfriend nicely obvs.

Beyond that i think you need to really focus on your kids and yourself.
Practical tips for the kids

-whatsapp them two or three times a week with articles / tiktoks or memes or images or whatever.
Keep doing it and do it consistently even if they dont they reply and keep it light - none of the "i miss you / i am thinkiiiing of you" stuff. Funny dog videos or topical news items.

• when you pick up your daughter from school can you bring a snack or take her somewhere after school?
• find out what she interested in / the names of her friends and teachers/ what she is studying specifically not generally
• offer your son a lift / pick up from work. If the weather is bad and you know he is working you can mesaage to offer a lift back to his mums.

Re yourself you might benefit from exercise it really does do wonders for mental health and within your work find out about programs for balancing work/life and "refuelling". My dh and i work in high pressure roles and both conpanies offer this / similar.

Many a time, always really longwinded and descriptive, I recognise the style or writing and answering. They mostly come on as male

I know I am behaving appallingly.

Well you could always, you know, stop.

I agree flutterbyebaby. I haven't seen threads by this op as far as I know because I rarely come on the relationships forum, but the style is instantly recognisable.

Thanks for the practical advice. Weirdly I do much of what you suggest. We message most days, all light stuff but always with an I love you every day. I pop in and see 17 at her work. I collect 14 from school. I tell them I’m proud of them. I do parents evenings.

I beast myself with diet and exercise. I got fat in my marriage and lost 7st in a year afterwards which I’ve kept off but it’s fair to say I’ve got food issues now in terms of being paranoid that I’ll put the weight back on again

Im hapoy you both are coping with the work life balance. It’s tough out there.