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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m a Serial Liar

167 replies

Complex9 · 17/03/2023 07:49

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

OP posts:
Choconut · 17/03/2023 08:20

Uuurgh people pleasers are the worst - weak cowards in my experience. You won't end it with her because you're too scared to be alone and want to keep her as a security blanket - but you dress it up as not wanting to hurt her. Nothing is ever your fault, you are always a victim.

You have very low self esteem and shouldn't be in any relationship until you get that sorted out, it's at the root of all your woes.

Donnashair · 17/03/2023 08:21

If you know what you were doing was wrong and didn’t want to do it, you wouldn’t.

You would have been honest with her about what you are doing. Broke it off and stopped contact with her. Not broke it off and remained in contact keeping her in limbo.

You would leave her alone and let her learn to move on.

Moopsi · 17/03/2023 08:22

You need better counselling. You need to figure out why you're not emotionally available, deal with your past hurt and rejection, deal with the self-pity and victim hood, figure out why you feel compelled to lie, start to like and value yourself (and others) again, and work on having a relationship with your children.

Other than finding faith I can't see any other way of you doing this without counselling. Sometimes you have to try different therapists to find someone that is right for you.

Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:22

pilates · 17/03/2023 08:16

First off finish with your gf. Let her free so she can find someone that will treat her better.

How old are your children?

Get in touch with ex-wife expressing your desire to form better relationships with your children. Unless there is a massive backstory why would she not do this?

17 and 14. 17 is off to Uni next year.

I’ve been told by others I was in a controlling relationship. This has carried on even after the split with access.

Again - my side of a two sided story

OP posts:
Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:23

Choconut · 17/03/2023 08:20

Uuurgh people pleasers are the worst - weak cowards in my experience. You won't end it with her because you're too scared to be alone and want to keep her as a security blanket - but you dress it up as not wanting to hurt her. Nothing is ever your fault, you are always a victim.

You have very low self esteem and shouldn't be in any relationship until you get that sorted out, it's at the root of all your woes.

Agree with you 100% I’m a coward.

OP posts:
ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 17/03/2023 08:24

I do wonder OP if you are thinking deep down, "I did all the 'right' things, and I only got hurt, so, fuck it, and furthermore, I'll hurt them before they hurt me."

We've all made mistakes. I myself specialise in a spectacular crash and burn, usually every 5 years or so. Don't let the harsher replies put you off spotting the good ones.

Cincinnatus · 17/03/2023 08:25

I feel so sorry for you and wish I could give you a hug. You are clearly in a tremendous amount of pain. Everything is going to be ok darling.

Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:25

Moopsi · 17/03/2023 08:22

You need better counselling. You need to figure out why you're not emotionally available, deal with your past hurt and rejection, deal with the self-pity and victim hood, figure out why you feel compelled to lie, start to like and value yourself (and others) again, and work on having a relationship with your children.

Other than finding faith I can't see any other way of you doing this without counselling. Sometimes you have to try different therapists to find someone that is right for you.

You are right. I’ve been doing therapy for a year. It’s not working. I’m getting more manic and worse.

OP posts:
Irisheyesareshining · 17/03/2023 08:26

Finish with your girlfriend as it’s the decent thing to do . Concentrate on loving yourself first . You have obviously not healed from your previous relationship, you need to come to terms with this before you hurt other people.

WeakAsIAm · 17/03/2023 08:27

"17 and 14. 17 is off to Uni next year."

I have similar age children in my house, it would be very difficult to prevent them from having a relationship with their father if I left him today.
They have already built a strong bond with him and there's very little I could say or do to get in the way of that.
If you don't have a relationship with those children now that's a question you need to ask yourself.
Start there get in touch with your children and ask them.... their answers will be enlightening for you about why you are where you are today.
Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2023 08:27

You're treating your girlfriend as badly as your wife treated you.

End this sham of a relationship today. Respect this poor woman enough to do that.

Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:27

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 17/03/2023 08:24

I do wonder OP if you are thinking deep down, "I did all the 'right' things, and I only got hurt, so, fuck it, and furthermore, I'll hurt them before they hurt me."

We've all made mistakes. I myself specialise in a spectacular crash and burn, usually every 5 years or so. Don't let the harsher replies put you off spotting the good ones.

I think there’s something in that.

it doesn’t excuse it.

I need the spectrum of responses to process everything.

I hope you are on top of all your own battles

OP posts:
Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:28

Cincinnatus · 17/03/2023 08:25

I feel so sorry for you and wish I could give you a hug. You are clearly in a tremendous amount of pain. Everything is going to be ok darling.

I’m in a lot of pain and I’m exhausted.

I recognise it’s self inflicted.

Thank you for your kindness

OP posts:
Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:29

Irisheyesareshining · 17/03/2023 08:26

Finish with your girlfriend as it’s the decent thing to do . Concentrate on loving yourself first . You have obviously not healed from your previous relationship, you need to come to terms with this before you hurt other people.

Thank you

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 17/03/2023 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 08:31

I bet your ex wife and your kids have one heck of a story to tell about how you shat over them

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/03/2023 08:31

Tell the gf you need to have a serious chat. And then tell her you just don’t mentally feel in a place where you can commit to this relationship because you’re still grieving your ex and your old life and you need to take some time to work on your shit. That you want to break up and end it. The longer you string her along, the more of her time you’re wasting and the harder it’s going to be.

Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:32

WeakAsIAm · 17/03/2023 08:27

"17 and 14. 17 is off to Uni next year."

I have similar age children in my house, it would be very difficult to prevent them from having a relationship with their father if I left him today.
They have already built a strong bond with him and there's very little I could say or do to get in the way of that.
If you don't have a relationship with those children now that's a question you need to ask yourself.
Start there get in touch with your children and ask them.... their answers will be enlightening for you about why you are where you are today.
Good luck

i think they recognise that mum looks after them day to day. I offer all the time. I think they’d see rocking the boat with her over me and my access as disloyal.

17 works a lot. I pick 14 up from school twice a week. I get they are busy. I remember being their age. I wouldn’t make time to see my parents, I’d see them around the home. I get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:34

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 08:31

I bet your ex wife and your kids have one heck of a story to tell about how you shat over them

That categorically isn’t true.

But I am in no position to take any form of moral high ground.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 08:35

That categorically isn’t true.

see you thread title 😂

ShimmeringShirts · 17/03/2023 08:36

You’re not awful, you’ve been through hell and it’s manifested itself in some prickly and unpleasant personality traits. When we feel shit on the inside it manifests in our behaviour.

Stop with the self pity, not because you don’t deserve to feel the way you are but because self pity makes your brain think your life is shit and you can’t change. Start with telling yourself positive aspects of your life. Start a gratitude journal - just write three things each day that you are grateful for. It will help you to focus on the good in life which boosts your mental health, boosts healthy behaviours and ultimately makes you happy. When you’re happy yourself then you can find loads more in life to be happy about.

Is the lying something you do with everyone in your life or is it specific to the woman you’re sleeping with just now? You’re not in a relationship with her, the kindest thing you can do is end it. She may feel some really short term pain but it will be better for her life in the long term and it’s the least you owe her.

Original poster
Complex9 · 17/03/2023 08:40

Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 08:35

That categorically isn’t true.

see you thread title 😂

There is an irony there admittedly.

But on the other hand, I believe there is mostly good in me. I’m confident that although I’m not entirely blameless in the break up, that it would not be described in the way you say

OP posts:
Sandbag69 · 17/03/2023 08:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lostmarblesfinder · 17/03/2023 08:41

You need to heal and to recover. You are nowhere near ready for a new romantic relationship yet. I would focus on healing. Your emotions are appropriate. The betrayal is absolutely enormous. I would recommend a therapist who deals with internal family systems. I think you would really benefit from having a forum to allow all of those conflicting emotions you describe a place to be voiced and to allow you to work through them.

I genuinely am sorry for what you have experienced but what you are doing to your GF is so wrong. You need to bow out of that relationship to get tight yourself.

One other thing I wouldn’t write off your relationship with your children yet. You probably aren’t in a place yet where you can all address the hurt your wife has caused but in time that situation is likely to improve of you can get well.

isitjustmey · 17/03/2023 08:43

I'm sure this is a windup and I'm waiting for MN to come and delete it.