I’m a Serial Liar

[Complex9]

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

I know I am becoming a joke

You aren't going to end it with your GF are you. That is the ONE thing you can do that will protect her, it is the decent thing. You are shitting all over her life and she doesn't deserve any of this. The only reason I can see is that you are a selfish coward and would rather use her as a comfort blanket than actually be a man for a few moments and let her find someone who will treat her like she deserves.

You got shafted. Big deal, millions of us do. It's crap but what you are doing to your GF is worse. Grow up and stop acting like a bastard.

I think you need to process the end of your marriage with a therapist and work on your self esteem . You won’t be able to accept someone else viewing you as being worthy of love and kindness if it contradicts your own internal belief systems and you will continue to sabotage anything good in your life, by acting like a dick (lying and cheating) and disproving them , you’re also in here looking for people to tell you how awful you are ?
You need to end the relationship kindly and get some help from a qualified therapist.

Interesting. I did think the replies (all the thank you’s etc) seem a bit off but I’m not familiar enough with the poster to really know.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working.

Try spending thousands on lawyers instead, & get a contact arrangement in place for your children.

Millions of people suffer divorces, it doesn't make them set out to punish an entire opposite sex over it like you are.

Finish with your lovely understanding g/f, she deserves a better man than you.

Therapy works when you engage with it by the way.
If you are doing it just to justify your behaviour, you are not addressing the root cause of why you have allowed yourself to act like an embittered sleazeball.

I can't believe you have put so much energy into chasing compensation sex, & so very little on moving heaven & earth to see your children.

I was prescribed ADs after the first affair had ‘ended’. My wife even sat in with me while I burst into tears with the GP. I later discovered she was still seeing him when I did that. I’ve not seen a GP since for any reason and just stopped the Setraline.

And you mention elsewhere that therapy isn;t working & you are becoming increasingly manic?

It is a really bad idea to take yourself off meds unsupervised.
Get back to your GP & get an all-round health check, including bloods, & be frank about your current emotional state. Take whatever advice (& meds, if any) they give you, & keep doing it.

I've seen a later update about your kids now & you've given yourself a harder than necessary time there. You ARE in contact with them, they are just being teenagers, leading their own lives away from the boring adults.
You might find if you stop with the self-flagellation & just start offering normal, fun divorced-dad stuff to them like seeing a film you know they;ll like & taking them for a pizza that you will end up better engaged with them.

Yes, it’s self sabotage. I need to sort myself out.

My kids see or hear nothing of my issues. The game face is always on and I’m always upbeat, happy and engaged around them. They make me happy and I am very conscious to not drag them down with issues that are mine, not theirs.

My kids see or hear nothing of my issues. The game face is always on and I’m always upbeat, happy and engaged around them. They make me happy and I am very conscious to not drag them down with issues that are mine, not theirs.

That's great, but it's a world away from your original claim:
She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me.

We know how it goes for men over access, paying for a lawyer’s new BMW for a similar outcome is fruitless.

I have never slept with other women behind my GFs back btw, in my opinion just meeting up with them and lying about it is as bad because of the emotional cheating.

Thanks for your engaging viewpoint.

When I message them (tone), in the 5mins I see 17 at their work and the 10mins I see 14 for when I pick him up from school twice a week.

So admittedly a bit of an exaggeration but a world away from a couple of hours doing something together. Maybe I’m naive and selfish in hoping for that from teenagers.

We know how it goes for men over access, paying for a lawyer’s new BMW for a similar outcome is fruitless.

We know nothing of the sort.
Men who engage competent lawyers & work hard at ensuring they maintain good relationships with their children are perfectly able to live with those children 50/50, or with acceptable access arrangements.

It's only fruitless when men give up & don't bother to stay connected to their children, because deep down they think childrearing is womens' work.

How often do you ask them to join you for activities?

Have you ever asked them to come & stay with you?

That last sentence is not a view I hold. I was a very hands on parent in our marriage albeit working 50hrs per week as the main earner to keep everything rolling.

OP I think you need to be a little kinder to yourself. Yes its easy to shoot someone down who is being completly open on here and tell you that you are treating someone appallingly.

The reason you need to be kind to your self is the fact you have been through trauma. You need to let this poor woman go too as she cannot be your plan B when you are feeling the need for a chair to sit down on. She cannot be that person. You are clearly very self aware with your declarations, but you need to go back to basics, work on who you are, not what you have done, the lies, but work on who you are, what makes you you and all the good qualities you process.

Its so easy, and we all have been guilty of feeling crap about ourselves, its such a shock to the system when the ultimate betrayal is thrown at us, but what is not good is you are lying now, and that is what you need to stop, be honest with your GF and work on your self-esteem

My advice OP is to stop using the word "I" so much.
You're welcome...

I know I am treating her badly. I am aware that I reverse engineer justifications such as ‘I don’t sleep with these people, we just chat so where’s the harm?’ when clearly the bigger issue is the lies that surround such rendezvous.

I don’t do the craziness that often, maybe once a month when I need to lose myself. I will see the 2 other women that I’ve got a friendship with on a platonic basis maybe fortnightly.

The issue is why I lied about them in the first place and how I came to meet them. That’s the poor behaviour.

Well it’s a post about me so it’s difficult to avoid.

I accept the earth doesn’t revolve around me and that my GF and kids feelings and needs certainly deserve more of a priority than my own

I think you're not just devastated by your marriage breakup and the cheating - you're angry too. I think that's why you're treating your GF badly. It's a subconscious way to get back at your wife. Or to self-sabotage.

I've got to say you don't sound 100% mentally well. You've been under a hell of a lot of pressure with the divorce, your business (being a business owner during Covid was HELL) and your dad. I get the sense that your tank is on empty.

End it with your GF and find a different therapist. I might even suggest, if finances allow, a 28 day stay at an intensive mental health treatment centre (go private to one of the cushy ones - South Africa has some really good ones that take a lot of UK residents - ex rate means excellent service and facilities but much cheaper than Priory UK) because I feel like you really need to remove yourself from your daily life for a bit and focus on healing.

I know I’m not mentally well. I haven't taken more than 2 successive days off in 4 years as I just worked through the pain to blot out the bad stuff. I also crash dieted and exercised like mad and lost 8st in that time. I’m burned out.

The few that know everything (not the cheating) are amazed I’ve not died of a heart attack.

I thought you said 7 st or have you lost a further stone this morning from sweating through some of the replies on this thread lol?

All the more reason to take a break and get your head sorted tbh.

Very funny. 7st in the first year. 1st since. Will hit the scales later as I’m sure my texting fingers are now shorter than this time yesterday so that will count for something

Well that's great but don't start getting paranoid about food, the last thing you need is an eating disorder on top of everything else.

Ditch the GF, take some time away to get your head straight and get some real perspective on your life.

Also don't worry about your kids, I was estranged from my dad for years but now I see him more often than my mum, we are close. Life can get complicated but kids always want to engage with their parents on their own terms ime.

That ship has sailed - I’m weird about food now as I’m terrified I’ll stack it back on and be ugly again.

That’s encouraging about your dad. I hope that we will always have a good (and maybe closer) relationship in the future.

Everyone's a bit weird about food in the developed world. My point was more, don't deprive your brain of the nutrients it needs to function properly. There is plenty of evidence that malnutrition, particularly insufficient carbs and fats, screws wth your executive function (ie decision making, perspective, emotional wellness). Google the Minnesota Experiment if you want to see an infamous example from the 1970s. So if you're already mentally struggling, just make sure you are feeding your brain sufficient nutrients and don't make it struggle any more than it already is.