I’m a Serial Liar

[Complex9]

First time poster (m) and I’ve got myself into a mess relationship wise.

3 years ago I split with my wife who cheated on me multiple times. I lost everything - my kids, my home, my cats, her and most my money. It was the most painful experience of my life. She makes it impossible to see my teenage children and it kills me. I know I will never be the same again. I hold it all together professionally and have a stressful job. I lost tonnes of weight (and I mean loads) through heartbreak so I now look much better than I did but I still have no self esteem. I loved her so much, I always did my best for my family who wanted for nothing materially and I never once cheated, suffered from any addictions (possibly work) and I was deceived. Deceived with the affairs and deceived when the house was sold (with the intention of us buying somewhere else) to be told I’m not coming with them. The kids never even got a proper explanation about it. Just getting this down, hurts me so much.

I met someone 18 months ago who is kind and will do anything for me yet I cannot feel any more for her than I do at the moment. It isn’t love, I wish it was but it isn’t. I’ve never told her I love her, she’s never met my friends, we see east other a couple of times a week. She couldn’t be more understanding. I care for her, I support her, I try and be a good partner.

For no reason at all I started lying to her about things. Started off with small things. Now it’s big things. I go out alone, I get drunk in bars. I meet other women and then see them behind her back on a platonic basis. I recently crossed a line with one and I feel appalling as I don’t know why i do these things and I now have to face up to the consequences of my actions. Ultimately I cannot make someone feel the way I felt when I was cast aside as it very nearly finished me. It’s not fair and I hate myself for my behaviour which I know is wrong.

I hurt every day. I miss my children so much. I still can’t cope with the injustice of what happened right me. I’m exhausted by the lying and I don’t sleep. All of this is on me, I own it and understand that. I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’ve spent thousands on therapy. It’s not working. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I needed to get it down. I need the voice of a crowd to tell me some honest truths about myself and where I go next. Here seemed a good place.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have peace in your lives.

I cannot disagree with anything you have said there

So you’re shifting the blame to your P for not acting on your red flags??

You really don’t respect her very much, do you? You praise her kind and understanding nature, but you don’t actually respect that and have incorporated this devaluation into your justification agenda.

I assume that she knows you’ve been badly burned and is patiently giving you time. A gift that you’ve shit all over. Of course she isn’t privy to the major red flags: lies/secrets/heavy drinking/other women/your not loving her.

My heart goes out to her.

So this is all her fault is it for not providing you with 'explosions' and not walking away at your countless red flags? Wow. Just leave this poor woman alone.

@Complex9 you will actually be hurting her more if she finds out and yes she deserves a bit more than crumbs, so put her in a position she can get the full loaf

Be single for a while and deal with yourself.

You are medicating yourself with women.

Maybe you should try and suggest family therapy?

Hey
I'm going through something similar on certain things. Sounds to me that you've never really got over your wife although she treated you terribly. And your off getting attention from other women to feel loved and wanted and whilst at the time it feels great your left feeling more lonely then ever after. Although the gf sounds lovely she's clearly not enough for you sounds more friends then romantic in my opinion so you do need to deal with that situation because it really isn't fair on her. It sounds like you need to find yourself again and be happy in yourself first before trying to move on. I do wonder from what you said if you maybe slightly depressed so it might be worth speaking to a doctor. Also I think you have been left with low self esteem because of how you were treated. Yes that was a rubbish time in your life but that's just what it was you can build a happy probably better life for yourself. You just need to come out the other side and do some healing first. Xxx

I was following this thread and waiting for you OP to finally confirm what I’ve been thinking. This victim mode is quite a cosy place for you to be, even if on the surface you don’t think you like it.
Accept the truth about yourself. You won’t like what you’ll see but that’s the only way out that can save you - and others that have contact with you. Start taking full responsibility for your actions. Truthfully.

I have a male friend (we're not close, but I've spent a fair amount of time in his company) who sounds very similar to you.

He has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and he wears his victim hood (perceived wrongs against him) around him like a clock. He uses women for validation, and an ego boost, nothing else, he just can't go any deeper, he just isn't able to.

I'm not judging whether the experiences he's had in life haven't had a massive impact on him, but I do judge his manipulation and abuse of women, he's clearly messed up, I just don't forgive they way he devalues them.

Something very very sinister and unnerving about this OP

im going to hide the thread

I know! I do think it became eventually became too obvious to ignore, even for the more supportive people.

I'm still amazed 1) that it's still here and 2) that so many couldn't read the weird vibe from the off.

@Lovelyveg82 +1

There is something else at play here.
The victim persecuted vibe is just tooooo heavy. I know someone with bipolar who could have written half this

@knittingaddict Agree! There's something very weird about this thread, a very nasty undertone that makes for uneasy reading.

You have clearly been through a lot. I agree with everyone else that you must end it with your GF. Stop the drinking, casual non-flings and lying.

But how? Everyone has suggested therapy and I know you've been seeing one for a year but it's clearly not working. I have an unpopular view that I don't think therapy is the answer to everything. Great if you find a therapist you really connect with. I never have.

I think you should spend a lot of time alone really thinking about what's happened. Go for walks. It's incredibly healing. And be totally honest with yourself, without your victim glasses on. See if you can start to understand where things went wrong and start to accept it. Talk to a loved one in your mind as though you were explaining the problem to them. See if you can find some peace.

Thanks for everyone’s input. It’s made for some very uncomfortable but very necessary reading.

I know I am messed up and it’s time to acknowledge this, my poor behaviour and be better by making changes. I needed a virtual shake and people to literally point out to me what is so obvious.

I’m stepping away from this now as it’s never been my intention to make others feel so uncomfortable and this thread has probably run its course.

I wish you all nothing but the best and hope you all live your best lives positively and in peace.

I'm sorry but your post just doesn't ring true. Of course I could be wrong but I suspect you're getting off on this, so....
Yes, you are a snivelling weed of a man who deserves everything you get. You're behaviour is despicable and you deserve to be punished in the harshest way possible for being such a pathetic looser.

Have you cum yet?