Being told you're letting yourself go

rosiebertie · 2023-03-16T17:58:18+00:00

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not? But is this a huge red flag I am missing? Has anyone been in this position?

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 16/03/2023 18:00

You should be letting him go!

TheChoiceIsYours · 16/03/2023 18:02

After a year?! Run a fucking mile. This won’t end well.

Knullrufs · 16/03/2023 18:02

Surely how you feel about you is crucial here.

He’s allowed to lose interest — this doesn’t mean his loss of interest is your problem. Don’t start practicing the steps of the Pick Me dance — even if you’re doing it yourself in your own head.

Surrounded by beautiful women at work — irrelevant. He will have been surrounded by them 12 months ago and he decided he wanted to go out with, and be in a relationship with, you. So they’re not a factor here.

Lockedinforwinter · 16/03/2023 18:02

Massive red flag. He's saying his love is conditional on you looking a certain way. You deserve way better!

RandomMess · 16/03/2023 18:03

Sometimes when people let themselves go it's because they are depressed or too lazy to make an effort and it is off putting.

Why weren't yourself at the beginning? What sort of lengths did you go to in order to be polished?

TBF I would be very wary of him. Although if he's super polished perhaps that is what he values 🤷🏽‍♀️

WhineWhineWINE · 16/03/2023 18:04

Dump. He's an arsehole.

Soontobemumof2x · 16/03/2023 18:05

Sorry but no. Massive red flag. You can’t be put together all the time. The fact that he’s pulling away because you don’t dress a certain way? He sounds really vain!

LTB!

SunnyLion · 16/03/2023 18:05

It's hard to hear but you've admitted its the truth.
If it were the other way round, would you tell him or put up and shut up?

NonYogiBear · 16/03/2023 18:08

This is tricky and a bit hurtful but the thing here is that you have changed not him. Everybody to some extent is on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship and then relaxes into themselves a bit. But if one of the things he is attracted to about you is the way you present yourself and then after only a year you dramatically change this then he may well have doubts. Is it genuinely about mini skirts and nails done or are you slobbing out in a wearable blanket every night (like me, I’m not judging!).

WeeOrcadian · 16/03/2023 18:09

A year? One fucking year!!??

Throw him back. Massive red flags. He's basing his feelings for you on your wardrobe.

You can do better.

TwilightSkies · 16/03/2023 18:14

He’s pulling away and losing interest after one year because you aren’t polished enough for his liking…..
Hes just showing his true colours. Don’t change yourself for any man, they aren’t worth it.

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 18:14

This is always a difficult one. I have adhd and am either all or nothing. For months I will be put together, then not. I usually, end up putting more effort in when I realise I don't like what I see in the mirror. I know what it feels like to have 'let yourself go'.

In theory, it shouldn't matter. We are told that if someone truly loves us, it doesn't matter how we look. But attraction, inside a relationship does matter. People have preferences. And it's not always something you can simply ignore. Yes some people still fancy their partner if they put on weight, don't make an effort etc. But that's luck. Not that they love someone more.

We can argue that men are conditioned to see women a certain way and anything different as not attractive. It might be true, but doesn't change the problem. He still has his preferences. Which is one of the things that attracted him to you in the first place.

We also often like people who share the same values as us. If he feels putting an effort into appearance is important, it will be something he is attracted to in their partner. If he feels you putting effort in to your appearance, is a projection of your feelings towards him it will damage the relationship.

Relationships don't do well long term if one is not longer the preference of the other and attraction goes.

Wether you should change is different. Are you happy with the level of effort and your appearance. If so, then you shouldn't change it. Being happy with yourself is worth far more than a relationship with anyone. If you are unhappy with your appearance then maybe there's a compromise. I have no idea what he is expecting of you so don't know if there is a compromise.

You can't compare your relationship with your partner to your friendships. Your friendships don't need you to fancy each other. Sexual attraction shouldn't be a significant part of friendships. So looks are less important

PlanetLuna · 16/03/2023 18:15

Massive red flag. Dump him before you invest more time in an undeserving man.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone so shallow he pulls away based on what you’re wearing?

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you unconditionally. Someone who builds you up, not tears you down and that you feel loved & confident around.

Dotcheck · 16/03/2023 18:16

I suspect that you both still go out together, and so you still dress up?
Is he objecting to the time you do have together where you are more casual?

A relationship should be able to develop to where you wear comfortable clothes around each other. Are you upset if he wears comfortable clothes? Do you ‘see’ him for himself or do you think less of him if he is in sweats?

Brunts12 · 16/03/2023 18:16

This is very concerning, given you’ve only been together for a year, as well. I would seriously review the relationship before “clear out the wardrobe and put in the work”.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/03/2023 18:17

No. This is controlling bullshit. Dump him.

winterbegone · 16/03/2023 18:17

He's very shallow, does he think you should be dressed up like on your first date everyday, you aren't letting yourself go, and no one should be expected to dress in a high maintenance way everyday. He doesn't love you for you, dump him and find someone that appreciates you.

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 18:18

He can want what he likes, but he's not the love of your life if he wants you to be different from how you are.

Why do you think he is?

DelphiniumBlue · 16/03/2023 18:19

He's lost interest in you. That won't return, whatever you do. Best to end it now, on your terms.

Spectre8 · 16/03/2023 18:25

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 18:14

This is always a difficult one. I have adhd and am either all or nothing. For months I will be put together, then not. I usually, end up putting more effort in when I realise I don't like what I see in the mirror. I know what it feels like to have 'let yourself go'.

In theory, it shouldn't matter. We are told that if someone truly loves us, it doesn't matter how we look. But attraction, inside a relationship does matter. People have preferences. And it's not always something you can simply ignore. Yes some people still fancy their partner if they put on weight, don't make an effort etc. But that's luck. Not that they love someone more.

We can argue that men are conditioned to see women a certain way and anything different as not attractive. It might be true, but doesn't change the problem. He still has his preferences. Which is one of the things that attracted him to you in the first place.

We also often like people who share the same values as us. If he feels putting an effort into appearance is important, it will be something he is attracted to in their partner. If he feels you putting effort in to your appearance, is a projection of your feelings towards him it will damage the relationship.

Relationships don't do well long term if one is not longer the preference of the other and attraction goes.

Wether you should change is different. Are you happy with the level of effort and your appearance. If so, then you shouldn't change it. Being happy with yourself is worth far more than a relationship with anyone. If you are unhappy with your appearance then maybe there's a compromise. I have no idea what he is expecting of you so don't know if there is a compromise.

You can't compare your relationship with your partner to your friendships. Your friendships don't need you to fancy each other. Sexual attraction shouldn't be a significant part of friendships. So looks are less important

This is the most sensible response here! 👏 👏 👏

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 18:27

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

He sounds very superficial.

If he gets turned off by and loses attraction that easily, I fucking dread to think what would happen if/when you have kids (presuming you'd like to) ..... It is a real old fun time of trying to avoid stretch marks, getting puffy, recovering from birth (and often birth injuries), possible caesarian scar, body returning to some form of normal, trying to breast feed (if you choose to) and the fact boobs deflate til quite a while after when the fat migrates back into them (or whatever technically happens), sleep deprivation, trying to put yourself together with a baby/toddler demanding your time and attention constantly, then giving you virus after virus etc.

What if you suffered ill health?

He sounds like he wants a dolly.

That is not life.

Or if it is life ..... Not many ppl want to live like those women live. What about when you age? Will he accept a polished, botoxed, immaculate 40, 50 etc woman it will he dump you at 40 for a younger model? Will he accept your menopausal and post menopausal looks or, again, are you out in your ear?

Not many men give such clear signals if how superficial they are a year in. Maybe you should take that warning gladly and gtfo of Dodge.

NevieSticks · 16/03/2023 18:28

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?
I don't believe this for a minute.

Alstothemarvshien · 16/03/2023 18:30

You should wear clothes, do your hair, etc. for yourself not for anyone else. Trying to please another person in this way is doomed to failure. What happens when you get older for instance and he complains that your skin isn't as smooth?
He sounds an utter bellend.

GarlicGrace · 16/03/2023 18:33

Well, he's going to be a joy to have around when you're pregnant, frazzled & covered in baby sick in your big post-partum blood pants, when you're ill and when you're old.

Experience tells me he's probably got the hots for one of those glossy women he only sees at their most public best. I just thought I'd highlight what you won't be missing after you dump his superficial ass.

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 18:34

he's surrounded at work by beautiful women.

Not many people are conventionally beautiful without grooming and presentation as such.

Most "beautiful" women make a big effort outside home/in some circumstances and tend to be quite different (even if they have the fundamentals of a well proportioned figure and good features etc) at home/when casual

Most "glamazons" I know look very different indeed at home/casual - with lounge wear, glasses, no makeup, slippers/trainers etc.

Most men accept their partner having a more casual look at home and around them in certain situations. They don't expect a super polished, groomed, dressy, sexy appearance all the time.
As I said he's superficial and unrealistic and makes for very uncomfortable partner material.