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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

260 replies

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:03

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

OP posts:
rebecca100 · 16/03/2023 15:29

It's just a list of Rex, previously Regina offences in the UK. Rex would show as the victim in certain circumstances in relation to these types of crime. So if you were to arrest someone in possession of drugs, Rex would be the victim and it would be a crime against the state as there would be no one else to put in the victim category.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 16/03/2023 15:34

I feel for you, this can’t be easy, and I also feel for him. I agree that while active addiction begins with poor choices, no one would ever choose to be a drug addict. It’s concerning that you view personal drug use as a victimless crime though, I’d advise some reading on the chain of manufacturing and supply of illegal drugs, which your husband has contributed to. Would you consider some counselling for yourself while he’s away? It might help to get things straight in your head. I understand you can’t switch off your love for someone even when they are making poor decisions, but you need to weight that love against your health and well-being and own peace of mind.

SweetSakura · 16/03/2023 15:35

rebecca100 · 16/03/2023 14:59

These are a few examples of victimless crimes, they are actually classed as crimes against the state so Rex would be listed as the victim.

Show quote history

That doesn't mean those crimes are victimless. Lots of people may suffer as a result of those behaviours. It just means a victim isn't named in the proceedings.

Drug use, even recreational, fuels the gang and cartel violence that wrecks huge numbers of loves every year.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 15:36

rebecca100 · 16/03/2023 15:29

It's just a list of Rex, previously Regina offences in the UK. Rex would show as the victim in certain circumstances in relation to these types of crime. So if you were to arrest someone in possession of drugs, Rex would be the victim and it would be a crime against the state as there would be no one else to put in the victim category.

If it’s ‘kinda your job to know’ (which I’m not convinced of, as if you are in the UK - seeing as you refer to Rex/Regina I’m assuming so - you wouldn’t have screengrabbed an American site) you’d know that drugs and prostitution are not victimless crimes, for at the root is human exploitation, and not only that, all criminal cases are against the Crown.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/03/2023 15:38

Ovidnaso · 16/03/2023 12:37

There are plenty of victimless crimes. The government is making new ones at an alarming rate. Just have a look at Amnesty International's list.

That's on top of political policies making it hard for some (e.g. some disabled people who are victims of private companies controlling whether they're allowed money for food) to survive without using crime as a last resort. Many have died as a result, but I wouldn't blame any who stole food instead.

My grandmother was in prison for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament's campaign. We're very proud of her.

I presume she was actually in prison for criminal damage or attacking someone, or maybe espionage? Anyway OP ‘s husband is in prison for drug dealing, so even AI wouldn’t approve?

googgodno · 16/03/2023 15:40

Good god Rebecca. That doesn't mean a crime is victimless 🤦🏽‍♀️🤣🤣

What job do you do and how did you blag it?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 15:40

googgodno · 16/03/2023 15:40

Good god Rebecca. That doesn't mean a crime is victimless 🤦🏽‍♀️🤣🤣

What job do you do and how did you blag it?

I think that poster is best ignored. Nothing they’ve said is credible.

googgodno · 16/03/2023 15:41

True

LifeExperience · 16/03/2023 15:44

I have not read the entire thread, but I don't think anyone has pointed out to you that you are not the most important thing in his life--the drugs are. He is an addict, and to an addict the drug comes before anything and anyone else.You come second, maybe, although with a personality disorder you may even be lower on his needs hierarchy. Ignore what he says (talk really is cheap) and think about what he's DONE, 3 times now. He hasn't destroyed your life once, he's done it 3 times. Really think about that.

Having had a close family member with a drug addiction, I can tell you the odds of him re-offending are overwhelming. He is very unlikely to completely overcome his addiction, and highly likely to go back to drugs when he's out. Yes, a few get clean, but not the vast majority. It's easy to stay off drugs in prison when you're constantly monitored, but it's a lot harder, and to most impossible, to stay off them when you have easy access to them.

Please, OP, let this man go. You deserve so much more out of life than wasting it pining for a man who considers drugs more important than you. Someone else mentioned trauma bonding. I think you should look into it and get counselling. In the meantime, stop taking his calls and break away.

MyStarBoy · 16/03/2023 15:45

I think you already know the answer. When love is gone, it's gone.

He's a desperate cunning and self-centered man.

You don't need to live your life with a constant head-fuck going on all the time, and it will if you stay with him.

Don't you feel guilty for him or his family.

StellaAndCrow · 16/03/2023 15:47

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 14:13

The one and only reason is simply because he has no choice and he knows it. It’s his final shot at living out a any sort of decent life otherwise he will be screwed forever. With or without him, I would like to hope he can get his life on track once and for all. Although anything can happen and I don’t want to risk my potential last shot at life before I feel to old to meet someone new so to speak.

Presumably he could have said the same about his previous sentence and rehab? What's different this time?

Popplesareus · 16/03/2023 15:50

It's extremely difficult to keep a relationship going when one party is in prison.
The person in prison becomes a small part of the day to day life of the person on the outside whereas the person outside becomes ever more significant for the prisoner.
And it's very, very difficult for the prisoner to understand and accept that. Plus they're bombarded every day with stories from their peers of being abandoned or betrayed by their partners outside.
If the relationship doesn't survive, your DP will forever say you abandoned him when he needed you most but remaining in a relationship out of obligation or guilt is not likely to result happily.
Everything you're feeling is normal, if you need/want to end the relationship than you should. Go easy on yourself OP.

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 15:51

Thanks so much for more of your replies everyone, it’s hard to reply to each one because I didn’t expect so many replies & im very grateful & I’m reading each one.

& yes that’s true. Over the course of almost 15 years, it seems like such a long time ago the other 2 very very short prison times, it’s nothing like this time. He was clean entering prison with a view to changing his life. It’s his final hope for himself, truly. It’s down to him what he chooses to do, he says all the right things but I can’t view his actions until he’s in society and resettled and over the excitement of having freedom back.

my biggest concern is that he will feel life is not worth living because of how hard it will be for him to plant seeds and how long it will take for them to blossom when he is released. I worry that could be the biggest relapse trigger. Aside from that it all sound and seems so stressful to go through the process of this with him. I feel I can’t handle more stress especially of that nature.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 15:52

Op

how did he support himself before prison???

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 15:54

THIS!! Yes. I have said these exact words to him. Although my brutal truth may be hard for him to hear, he is in no denial that he cares about me more and loves me more. I forgave him and stood by him a lot, his love for me increased whilst mine decreased with each forgiveness.

Now the reality that things are getting closer I know my decision needs to be made soon. I defiantly think speaking to a professional would help me process things instead of them eating away at me. This has all been so so helpful, you guys have given me a lifeline today when I felt so alone. Thanks all!

OP posts:
SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 15:55

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 15:21

Nothing wrong with being single. Even though I remained with him the past year, he’s not been here so I pretty much have been/am single in some sense. It’s just kind of lonely I can’t lie… I have two beautiful cats they are so great and bring me joy, I need more in my life, I think this thread has helped me to realise if I can find an inexpensive hobby where I could socialise that might help me. I work from home & im pretty isolated so that’s my reason for being/feeling lonely, not necessarily being alone I suppose.

There are LOADS of inexpensive hobbies which you could try. Eg singing in a choir, all sorts of volunteering ( many will even pay your bus fare ), hillwalking / rambling , Parkrun.

If you start a new thread just asking for free / low cost hobbies for a single women in her 30s in the Greater Manchester area ( or whatever ) you will get lots of good suggestions.

There is NO NEED a at all for you to sit at home in an evening, really there’s not. Don’t act like your life is on hold waiting for him .

Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 15:57

good luck OP xx

catscatscurrantscurrants · 16/03/2023 16:00

Good luck OP. You deserve happiness, success and a peaceful life. This is the time to put yourself first for once.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/03/2023 16:05

There's quite a bit here that I don't quite understand.
Firstly, what led to his arrest? If he was already clean at the time, I can't quite visualise what happened? Was the arrest relating to an incident ( what?) that happened before he went into rehab?
Did he go into rehab because ge knew he was going to go to prison? Or did he go voluntarily before all this happened?
Secondly, if he was pleading guilty, why did he need to change solicitors? If he's got the various reports, any barrister could do the plea in mitigation on very short notice on the day, it's not something that needs a massive amount of input. The reports are available now, so what is causing the delay? If the crime is as minor as you are suggesting, it seems strange that he is being kept in prison for a period that could be longer than his potential sentence.

I suppose my point is, either you haven't been told the whole story, or you are minimising. As a former solicitor and long time cynic, this story isn't hanging together well for me.

I can see it's really hard for you, but you sound now like you know you need to end this relationship, that he is unlikely to change, and that the lies and subterfuge that he has already subjected you to means that you won't be able to trust him.
All of us here have said that you are entitled to leave him, that you have your own future to think of. If you need permission, you have it!

Fifi0000 · 16/03/2023 16:07

You don't get generally jailed for drug possession the courts do see it as addiction. Was he selling ? Anyway buying drugs keeps organised crime going it's not a victimless crime , how many people are murdered every year over drugs ?

Fifi0000 · 16/03/2023 16:08

I hope you haven't got DC with this man , leave him he's choosing his drug addiction over you. Leaving you lonely for years and shouldering all the burden of life. Dump him.

Zola1 · 16/03/2023 16:16

Please, please, believe me when I say life can get so much better.
His addiction is not your responsibility to manage, you can't fix this for him. I would suggest if he's been on remand for 16 months, he's done something a little more serious than holding some drugs for personal use.
This is your third time around this particular wheel and you need to accept that it isn't going to change.

You need to think of yourself. Be honest with yourself. When he is in active addiction, what is that like? How does he behave? What is his priority?
Does he always come home? Does he show you, the house, the finances respect? How do you feel when he is out and using? Are you anxious, worried, stressed? Do you live on your nerves trying to predict another relapse or slip? Do you behave like miss Marple?
I ask because I've been there. I promise you can't do it for him, you need to leave. You weren't given this life to spend it worrying about this man. He certainly wasn't worrying about you when he committed this offence. You are a kind person and that's why you have tried so hard. At this point you're enabling him to continue this terrible path which is going to eventually kill him. Its ok to walk away. Sometimes we have to love someone from a distance. If he was able to change for you, he'd have done it by now.

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 16:17

DelphiniumBlue · 16/03/2023 16:05

There's quite a bit here that I don't quite understand.
Firstly, what led to his arrest? If he was already clean at the time, I can't quite visualise what happened? Was the arrest relating to an incident ( what?) that happened before he went into rehab?
Did he go into rehab because ge knew he was going to go to prison? Or did he go voluntarily before all this happened?
Secondly, if he was pleading guilty, why did he need to change solicitors? If he's got the various reports, any barrister could do the plea in mitigation on very short notice on the day, it's not something that needs a massive amount of input. The reports are available now, so what is causing the delay? If the crime is as minor as you are suggesting, it seems strange that he is being kept in prison for a period that could be longer than his potential sentence.

I suppose my point is, either you haven't been told the whole story, or you are minimising. As a former solicitor and long time cynic, this story isn't hanging together well for me.

I can see it's really hard for you, but you sound now like you know you need to end this relationship, that he is unlikely to change, and that the lies and subterfuge that he has already subjected you to means that you won't be able to trust him.
All of us here have said that you are entitled to leave him, that you have your own future to think of. If you need permission, you have it!

Good luck getting answers to this questions from the Op

Cornishclio · 16/03/2023 16:18

I think deep down you don't trust him and I don't think I would either if this is the third time he has offended. It sounds like you have coped ok without him so I would not take him back when he is released if I were you. Anything drugs related would send me to the hills to be honest.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/03/2023 16:18

Also, I think it's the case that cocaine is sold by the gram, and a gram is what a small group of occasional users might buy for an evening's entertainment . I think there are 28 grams in an ounce, and so by anybody's reckoning, that amount is for dealing, not just personal use.
He is still not being honest with you.