Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

Not being funny but you don't end up in prison for being caught with a personal quantity of drugs (it is possible but exceedingly rare). He must have been charged / pleaded guilty to possession with intent or being concerned in the supply of drugs or another 'heavy' crime related to the drugs

Thanks for the clarification, JustanotherJP - always good to have it from the horse's mouth

I had 3 short weeks of enjoying the clean him after rehab before his arrest after years of struggle.

OP please get some counseling to understand why you think you have to be a doormat to your husband and his addiction. Your husband is married to his addiction not you.

Then divorce him.

Tell him during divorce proceedings that you are no long to contact each other, and if he contacts you again take steps escalating to legal steps to prevent him.

If in doubt prioritise your children, in the first place because you should and in the second because it might help clarify your thoughts and feelings about their father/your husband.

Perhaps I’m too liberal here but I find it very hard to ever blame drug users. Poor government, bad education and funding issues create addiction. Decriminalisation is the only way to get genuine help and increase regulation.

It is a forgivable crime IMO but one that he needs to actual seek help and change from, you can’t spend your life worrying about this. I’m not sure I could stay with him as a result but if you’re happy otherwise I understand.

Good luck Op

The one and only reason is simply because he has no choice and he knows it. It’s his final shot at living out a any sort of decent life otherwise he will be screwed forever. With or without him, I would like to hope he can get his life on track once and for all. Although anything can happen and I don’t want to risk my potential last shot at life before I feel to old to meet someone new so to speak.

Also remember that he had 18 hours a day to get into your head, write poems, make crafts etc etc. How many letters/poems/crafts did me make/do in the preceding year of the relationship?

He’s essentially love-bombing you so you’ll still be there when he gets out, despite his lies. Now is the point to divorce him so he cannot come after the business/profits etc as all his needs are catered for in prison.

Please, not a single person on this thread is advocating for you to stay with him and continue wasting your life! And as an aside, as a single lady without children, you’ll be more popular on dating sites than you’d imagine for able, solvent, normal men, you really do deserve a fabulous life!

I'm sorry, he clearly needs to stay in if after two previous releases he hasn't had enough common sense to stop doing it.

Recovered addict here (have posted about it elsewhere) and I don't know much about JP'ing but I do know that you can absolutely go to prison for being caught with a large amount of drugs for personal use. An ounce of cocaine? Absolutely.

The issue would be with the judge not believing that you needed that much for your own personal use. Anything an ounce or over (for Class A), you risk getting charged for possession with intent even if it is actually all for you (bevause your addiction's that bad).

Anyway it's all immaterial because OP is the only important one here.

OP - sweetheart, you're clearly doing brilliantly on your own. Please think carefully as to whether you want this man back in your life. I've been in a long relationship with an addict, both when I was in addiction and when I got clean and sober. It was NOT fun. I was always stressed and on edge. Addiction is a demon. Put yourself and your happiness first x

Yes I’m in England. He pleaded guilty at the first hearing keeping in tact his guilty credit. For a long while a newton hearing was planning over discrepancies which were then settled and this was then pulled from happening. So now it is simply sentencing in late summer. It pains me so much not knowing because it’s a mental block for me. I wish it could happen sooner but truly I have no idea why it’s taken so long. We’ve had so many dates and non of it has ever happened. I’ve shown to court for sentencing 4 times prior to the Newton hearing decision. Only for more time requested for mental health reports and statements for his defence and rehab gathered. He also had to change firms due to neglect of his case which took time.

"He’s has became a role model prisoner with head leading job in the entire prison."

God he's such a Billy bullshitter. Let me guess, he's a listener? So basically runs around the jail passing rizlas and more. Or a red band cleaner pushing fucking lunch trolleys around. Wow. Chapel orderly? Hoovers the carpet and hangs around eating biscuits.

Drugs tested most days for his "job" 🤣 no he's not. You know that the prison service can't retain staff for love nor money these days. If you think there's 2 officers going and piss testing some remand druggie every day then you're as deluded as he thinks you are.

Get rid. He's not on his "last chance, life ruined forever otherwise". What a load of old nonsense. Raise your bar ffs.

There is no victimless crime - and for starters you are one of his victims. A victim of him being an addict, of him being a prisoner, of him manipulating you.

Who gets jail time for personal drug use? I don’t believe he had a single wrap of weed, coke etc. and has been imprisoned 3 times for it. There is more to this.

He’s drugs tested for his job and being on the enhanced wing which rules are drugs testing for the privileges available only on that wing. He’s not drugs tested because of having active addiction prior to prison, simply for the wing he is on & the job he got through being on this privileged wing.

His job is to report issues in the prison to the governor at committee meetings each month given that he was given this position through being a trusted prisoner with recommendations for this role from officers… I immediately just think what an are licker he must’ve been, as well as cleaning, cooking.

@Puppers another valuable contribution to the discussion. Yes, she likely meant non-violent crime. Your comment doesn't disprove that. It's been done to death, nobody cares about one little word.

You would be better off on your own than with this loser. Dump him, move on and get your life back. You are worth more than him and plenty of women manage on their own.

Trust me. The prisoners are all subject to random VDTs and it will be a criteria that you do not fail a drugs test to remain on the enhanced unit (even then there are exceptions 🙄).

Pmsl. The job you describe involves rounding up a "rep" or two from each wing every now and again and they sit in a room with either a governor (not THE governor - there are many of them) or maybe a CM. The prisoners moan that there's not enough eggs on the trolley at weekends or that canteen sheets aren't coming through in time. Or that there's not enough gym sessions on a Sunday or that they want a certain Xbox game adding to the prop list.

Please believe me that this is not "the top trusted prisoner job". It's not even a job. It's a meeting that ticks a box to help meet a KPT. Nobody gives a shiny shit about it.

Why do you believe what he's telling you? He's talking utter nonsense and you're soaking it up like a sponge. Get rid. Cut him out of your life!

@JustanotherJP can you explain what the OP has said subsequently about the ‘delay’ to sentencing? I, like you, wondered if he’d kept her in the dark too.

The random drugs testing is not even nearly every day. Not even every month. Even back in the good old days we couldn't staff that 🤣

What a difficult situation for you.

I am one of those people who don't believe that addiction is an illness, that it is down to poor decision making and the consequences of that.

It sounds to me like you would benefit from some counselling whilst he is inside so that you can make a more balanced decision about your future.

I would also be super interested but I am the direct contact with his solicitor the entire time so I don’t think I’ve been told any lies in regards to what’s going on because the firm wouldn’t lie to me on his behalf.

I agree in some capacity. I think it starts with a poor choice and ends up leaving people choice-less they become a slave to their addiction. It most defiantly began with poor choices.

Wow seems like you truly actually know a fair bit about what goes on inside of prisons. Which i appreciate you sharing because it enlightens me as I didn’t know some of the things you mentioned!

looks like he’s just feeling proud to have achieved it which he’s entitled to be, but doesn’t seem that great when you’ve written what it actually entails tbh.

No, it seems he’s using a ‘non’ situation to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Which given his track record, isn’t much of a surprise.

Ah, needing the Newton hearing would have slowed things down a lot. Also MH reports can take a long time.

@potniatheron The thing is 1oz of cocaine is an awful lot to have on you for personal use. The lowest band of sentencing for PWITS (possession with intent to supply) starts at 5g cocaine. Nearly everyone who is in court charged with PWITS says it's for their personal use, I have seen people who say the fact they had 140 deal bags of cannabis in their rucksack is just because they like to ration themselves!

Anyway, OP, I don't wish to derail. I think you need to think very carefully about if you want to be with this man and what positivity he brings to you. Personally with the combination of drugs and other issues, I would be out of there sharpish. Good luck to you.

"He is not awaiting trial. He pleaded guilty immediately, due to the court system and backlogs is the only reason he hasn’t been sentenced."

Very strange that he's been held so long already. There must be a very good reason for this.

He cries and says he feels guilty
He tells you he's afraid of losing you (which makes you feel guilty)
He sends you poems and craft trinkets and flowers

He has the gift of the gab and can turn any situation to his own benefit

OP please see the relationship between the last one and the first three.

You feel you have to stay with him because in the past you forgave him. You are allowed to change your mind. You're not bound by that decision for the rest of your life on pain of death.

It sounds like you're a very forgiving person who wants to see the best in him. You've written that you think the first few years after him getting out will be amazing. That suggests you still have feelings for him. But your feelings are for the man you thought he was. He's shown you who he really is so many times. And you'll not feel safe that he won't do it again from the minute he gets out.

You've also written that you believe a relationship can be salvaged if both people are prepared to make the effort. He has shown that he isn't. You begged him not to do this but doing it was more important to him than not doing it for the sake of your relationship.

OP you don't need my permission to leave him. But you have it anyway. And I'm sure I'm not wrong in saying that that goes for 99% of the posters on this thread too.