Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

Great insightful posters here. What I think @googgodno is trying to point out is that he's again lying to you about this role. Firstly to big himself up in your eyes (most important job etc), secondly to show that people trust him (because he was supposedly recommended for it) so you should too, thirdly to imply that he's being drugs tested regularly so can't possibly be back on drugs.

Sadly you know from the past that even when he's living with you, he can hide his drug use.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

OK, so a Newton hearing is like a mini trial. They are only necessary when the defendant has pleaded guilty 'on a basis', so for example they say "Yes guilty but I didn't do x part of it". An easier example is of an assault, so they say "Guilty, yes I punched him but I didn't kick his head." If the prosecution does not accept that, AND it will make a material difference to sentencing, THEN there is a Newton Hearing to work out whether he did or did not kick his head. This would be like a mini trial, with witnesses, medical reports etc.

If the prosecution does not accept the 'basis of plea' AND it would make no real difference to sentencing then no newton hearing would take place, as it would be a waste of court time and public resources. (An example could be "Guilty, yes I punched him but only 27 times" and the prosecution say it is 30 times. There would not be a material difference to the sentence whether someone punched 27 instead of 30 times, whereas there may well be if someone had punched and kick in the head, or just punched.)

It would be set up like a trial, with witness availability and need a longer slot of court time, which is hard to find so may well be months away.

Then regarding mental health reports, often they can take a couple of months to come back depending at what level they need to be done.

Finally there are significant delays in the court system and things are often double listed so sometimes things just can't get done on the day as there is not enough court time.

The above all said, I am surprised at the length of time this case seems to have taken. Something still doesn't seem quite right.

Oh OP!! You’ve had some excellent advice here on the prison side. I can’t help with that but I can with the NPD/ BPD thing.

I was married to someone like this. It nearly destroyed me. Some of the things you talk about are really typical - lies, lies you don’t even know are lies, risk taking (drugs can be common), believing you are cleverer than the law, experts in playing the system, charming, endless discussions about feelings and a real (selfish) worry he will lose you - because without you in ‘the game’ there isn’t a game. He needs you at his disposal to convince and win over, to lie to and get away with it, because doing that stuff - and I’ll be blunt - has absolutely FUCK ALL to do with you as a nice person, you are just a pawn. A necessary. And he’d try to win you back if you pulled away, because without you, how can he behave that way?

Read up on it as much as you can. Being with someone like this, no matter how much you think you are in control you are not.

You have the foundations for a life away from this. With healthy, happy love and a future. Leaving someone like this is hard, but the long term result is huge. Please consider your future carefully!!

I hear you but I definitely have personal knowledge of addicts buying that much for themselves at one time. Especially with something like coke or crack because the high is short and your tolerance goes up so fast.

My post wasn't so much aimed at you as it was at PPs who are saying the husband must be lying, and must have been dealing. That's by no means necessarily the case at all, although of course as you say, in the eyes of the law having that much on you would definitely get you charged with intent.

These are a few examples of victimless crimes, they are actually classed as crimes against the state so Rex would be listed as the victim.

"The only reason I consider staying is because I know what he’s capable of"

Maybe consider leaving because you 'know what he's capable of' which is going back on the drugs despite your support, your own personal losses and putting your needs aside for him. He's capable of putting your needs and your life aside for his addiction.

Your tendency to rescue creates this thought pattern where you get angry with him, then immediately that takes you to the fragile child part of him which makes you think if only I love him more he'll change.
That behaviour is not stupidity.
It feels like that because you don't understand why you do it. But it's a learned pattern of responding which you can unlearn. It's a mixture of what you learned from role models in your life plus the woman's natural tendency to be a nurturer of others.

It's drugs.
It's an addiction.
All the love in the world from you will not stop his addiction.

Being in prison hasn't stopped him.

By going to visit him and pledging your undying love is enabling him and tells him you accepting that behaviour. By not leaving him you are teaching him that he can be on the drugs AND have you as well. You are confirming to him that you share his view that your life is not as important as his need to escape his uncomfortable feelings about life by using drugs.

You are allowed to change your mind about somebody without a reason. Because you want something different for yourself.

Get the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It'll be in most libraries too. Also think about joining an Al Anon meeting. They do them online too so they are very accessible. You will meet other relatives of addicts and that will help you not be alone with it. Best of luck with it. You are a strong woman doing your best.

I truly never expected such a response, so grateful to anyone who’s contributed to helping me in this situation, I’ve felt pretty alone and now I’m so glad I chose to post, I’d been debating it for months.

I know I’m not bound and I know I can leave. The fact he is not here, & that I have no interest in another man means that I have just been observing him & his behaviour I suppose as an indicator of the future he potentially has whilst remaining with him but falling out of love due to the emotional pain he’s caused and that I tolerated before. Now things are getting closer it’s shaken me up and I realise I really do need to make the decision to leave very soon. Sooner than later, I can’t carry on with the stress all of this carries in my head, then it’s all the ‘what if’s’ that creep into my head….

thank you so much everyone I never expected so much support & responses. Very very great full !

I've spent a hell of a lot of time there and yes, each evening consists of prisoners telling their family a crock of lies. Not all of them of course but yeah, he's just been selected for a prisoners forum.

It'll have gone something like "I need a couple of fellas to go on this governors forum next month. Any takers?"

Your husband says "I'll do it" then acts as if he's been given keys to the jail 🙄. He's just moaning about menu choices once a month. Great he's on the enhanced unit but it's not hard, all you need to do is toe the (very relaxed these days) line for 3 weeks and you're on.

Where have you got that ridiculous list from @rebecca100? 🤣

It's kind of my job to know! ☺️

When you talk about never meeting anyone else, I'm sorry but that's bs. Can't remember how old you said you were but you do know people tend to live 90+ years right? What do you think life ends at 45? xD

Besides, even if you stated single forever, so what, what's wrong with being single? You could get a ton of animals. Or travel the world. The choices are limitless.

Oh wait...it's a kid thing right? Sigh.
So many amazing, talented, strong, clever women lost to a madness and wallowing over wanting kids. Stuck in shitty relationships, to scared to leave.

Just choose something else. Choose another life. Look into fostering someday maybe if you really like kids. But don't stay with this guy, continually worried about the ifs and buts of what may or may not be if you leave.

You will find love again. And no one dream or worry should come at the expense of living your life.

You think prostitution is a victimless crime?

All you’ve done is Google ‘victimless crime’ and screen grab something from Lawinfo.com, which is literally the first result.

OP I started writing a reply to you but couldn't find the words. But now @Mykittensmittens has said it for me. Thanks, Kittens, and I'm very sorry to hear you've been through it too. Hope you've come out ok the other side.

I spent 10 years of my life with a man with BPD. It damaged me irreparably, it damaged my family and those who I love most in the world, and it left me not knowing how much or even if anything during that time was true. After a lot of counselling and working on my boundaries I'm ok, but I'll never trust anybody again.

Please @Evan39, leave this man and make a new life for yourself.

You have a job?!

Nothing wrong with being single. Even though I remained with him the past year, he’s not been here so I pretty much have been/am single in some sense. It’s just kind of lonely I can’t lie… I have two beautiful cats they are so great and bring me joy, I need more in my life, I think this thread has helped me to realise if I can find an inexpensive hobby where I could socialise that might help me. I work from home & im pretty isolated so that’s my reason for being/feeling lonely, not necessarily being alone I suppose.

This ^

This doesn’t make sense. You can’t be remanded for a longer period than your potential custodial sentence, if he’s been in prison for over a year after pleading guilty surely that is his sentence?

Op

how has he been financially supporting himself during his time out of prison?

@Evan39 developing hobbies and interests is so important. If you love cats, you could look at volunteering for your local cat rescue (I do). You could join a reading group or a walking group. Your local Facebook page may have information on what there is in your area, and having a network of friends would be so good for you. You don't need this man, you need to build a life of your own.

Indeed.

there are a lot of questions holes

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Even though I remained with him the past year, he’s not been here so I pretty much have been/am single in some sense. It’s just kind of lonely I can’t lie…

But at the moment, your mindset is closed off to not really being single, and therefore you wouldn't look for companionship elsewhere, or take opportunities that may come along.

I think that the fact that you've bitten the bullet and posted this means that you know things need to change. It will certainly be a lot easier now, while he is still in prison, than it would be if he were in front of you. Have the strength to do what I think you know you need to do.

@rebecca100 why did you post a screen grab of an American ‘law info’ site. What’s your field, exactly?

No point digging over the "victimless crime" thing, start a thread if everyone wants to discuss it even further.

It is not victimless though. Even if his drug association was purely personal his actions have made you, his family and friends victims , and there is a whole network of crime and abuse within a supply chain. He has had several chances but not learned enough to prevent recurrence.